Trainin', Mom-Surprisin', Slappin' Fun!

So I went through about seven issues of Amazing Spider-Man and came up with nothin', but then I get to the first story arc of the Black Cat from Amazing Spider-Man #194 and 195 and it has everything we love!

It has ODD NAMES! (tm!)

Well, that is an unfortunate handle.  Seriously, don't give your kids a name that is a pun.  Life is hard enough.

It has RANDOM  SLAPS! (tm!)

Slap her back, Pete.  No jury would ever convict you.

It has the ORIGIN MONTAGE! (tm!): 

Apparently she "trained for years" wearing the same blue leotard.

I presume the cat is there for symbolism only, because most cats aren't interested in you enough to watch you do stuff unless you're using a can opener.

Not that I have anything against cats.  I love cats, but they tend to do their own thing.

Anyway, it even has FUN WITH OUT OF CONTEXT DIALOGUE! (tm!)

And finally, the OFF-CAMERA DEATH! (tm!):

I admit I fell for that last one.  I was pretty young when I read this the first time, and I naively thought they were being awesome by just having May pass away off-camera.  Of course, now I realize that there was no way they were going to end the never-ending "Poor Aunt May's Weak Heart!" storyline, but it would have been awesome had they really gone that way.

See you tomorrow!

HOOTIN' ZOOTS!

I plowed through several issues of Amazing Spider-Man, and while they weren't great, they didn't give me anything to go on, so back to the All-Flash Quarterly.  By now, it has been 14 issues and I didn't even realize that the Three Dimwits, pictured here in a gag that I found pretty dang hilarious:

are actually a thinly-veiled Three Stooges.

You may be wondering how I missed that.  Well, I miss obvious things, but I'll catch some obscure reference that'll have me laughing and no one else.  It's the same reason I can cook almost anything from scratch better than you've had in many restaurants, yet I can't make frozen waffles without them being either soggy or burned.  That's just how I roll.

Check out this ad for Thom McCann shoes:

I don't think you can be "trim" and "husky" at the same time.  When I was growing up, I wore a lot of "husky" clothes, and no one has ever accused me of being "trim." 

Anyway, check out poor Bill's love interest: 

That seemed to be a common theme back in the day. Not that there's any shortage of women these days who have the same attitude.  Yeah, I said it.

Lose her, Bill.  You'll thank me later.

There was a Captain Tootsie ad on the back, which is always interesting because of the C.C. Beck artwork.  Here we see the good captain, who is looking more and more like a blonde Captain Marvel all the time, teaching Rollo how to flash gang signs:

Meanwhile, here's a phrase I think needs to make a comeback:

HOOTIN' ZOOTS!

And there's a little premium to help you burn off all that nervous energy a Tootsie Roll will give you:

The fact that learning how to use signal flags might "help me later in life" tells me that someone wasn't very optimistic that the war was going to end any time soon.  I note that there's no indication they would send you the actual code to learn, so I guess you just walked around waving your flags haphazardly like an idiot.  It's not like they had Internet access to look these things up.

That's actually a pretty sad image... just walking around, half your teeth pulled out of your head from sticky Tootsie Rolls, waving little flags hither and yon.  No wonder comic book nerdlingers have historically had a hard time getting women.

See you Monday!

Big Wheels, Tuna Fish and Sexual Harassment... I Have the Greatest Blog Ever

Although I make it look easy, it's actually a bit of a process looking for cringeworthy things in comics.  Sometimes, it's a matter of reading several issues just to find that one panel.  It's like finding a needle in a haystack, or an episode of Modern Family that's actually funny.

But then, sometimes all you need is to check out the cover:

Wow.  And believe it or not, this is the second part of a two-part story arch with the Rocket Racer.    Because one terrible character isn't enough, we need to have a nemesis named after the tricycle I had as a child:

Meanwhile, let's check in on Helen and Frank:

Geez, Frank.  BOUNDARIES!

I've come upon some really early issues of Crazy Magazine.  My parents wouldn't let me read Mad Magazine, yet Crazy was okay for awhile.  I have no idea why.

Anyway, Crazy was very topical.  The issues from 1973 were full of Nixon jokes penned by none other than friend-to-the-blog Tony Isabella.  And they would also poke fun at popular ads of the day.

Charlie the Tuna doesn't get a lot TV time these days, but he was a common sight on the three networks we had back then.  We also changed the channels by walking up to the TV and turning a knob, but I digress.

Here's some interesting history of Charlie the Tuna:

And a look at a typical Starkist ad:

Anyway, the character has been around since the 1950's, so mad props.

Anyway, something that iconic (particularly one as odd about a fish who apparently wants to be killed and eaten) is ripe for parody.  Thusly: 

But WTH is with that second panel????  Wow!  Not that Crazy was the most politically correct publication, but that is one inflammatory slur.  If you can't read it, "Chollie" refers to ballet as "faggy type dances."

Yikes.  Just... yikes.  Another Cringeworthy Moment in Comics(tm!)

See you tomorrow!

Frank is Attracted to Helen's Cold Aloof Professionalism

So the Green Goblin returns and Pete is convinced it's Harry Osborn.  But, as any comics reader will tell you, new characters are usually introduced to be (a) future villains or (b) future victims of villains, so in Amazing Spider-Man #180, we learn that....

It's really the fault of the artist more than the writer.  On paper, Bart Hamilton's only major flaw was that he was a psychiatrist.  But as we've seen these last few days, the man's expressions and choice of decor gave us some pretty clear signals.  Between Bart Hamilton and Dr. Faustus, Marvel was really taking some digs at the mental health field.  I wonder what Freud would say about that?

Some relationship tips from Amazing Spider-Man #176:

Never use the phrase "sitting here feeling impotent" with anyone you find remotely attractive.  Even if you don't mean it that way, you're just putting ideas in her head you'd rather not be rattling around in there.

Here's more relationship advice from Amazing Spider-Man #182:

We can glean from Frank's comment that there's no "imbalance of power" there, so Frank is probably within the bounds of... 

Oh, Frank.  You just sailed right over the line there.  That radio call is probably from Human Resources.  Don't make any plans for Saturday, because I expect a sexual harassment workshop is in your immediate future.

See you tomorrow!

Cops and Codependency Issues

I am the first to acknowledge that sometimes my lawyerness gets in the way of enjoying things.  I generally can't watch courtroom dramas or crime shows because I'll get disgusted at the inaccuracies of the portrayal of the legal system.  I think folks are confused enough about things without entertainment making things worse.

Case in point, Amazing Spider-Man #176:

What's Aunt May doing?  Well, it appears she's committing assault and battery with a dangerous weapon on a police officer per New York State Section 120.11 of the New York Penal Code.

Heh... Penal Code. 

Depending on how you interpret the law, Aunt May could have just bought herself upwards of somewhere between 25 and 30 years in the slam.

Most restrained. Officer. Ever.

And no, having a heart attack during a felonious assault has nothing to do with the crime that was just committed. 

And then along comes Pete, who decides to commit an assault of his own:

Okay, everyone in this scenario who doesn't have a badge should be in handcuffs at this point.

Yeah, that'll happen.  I've represented more than one scenario where the whole family got involved.  The only "break" everyone usually gets is a free ride in a squad car to jail.

But not these guys.  This is the wimpiest police force I've ever seen:

Wow.  I'm all in favor of compassion from law enforcement and all that, but come on.  It's one thing to exercise restraint appropriate to the situation, but it's another thing to be boo-hooing about the perp who just gave herself a heart attack as she was assaulting you with a weapon.  Shenanigans!

In other words, don't do what Aunt May and Pete just did.  It will not end with the officers feeling all sorry for you.

See you tomorrow!

'Cause He's a Rocket Man... And I Think It's Gonna Be a Long Long Time... He's Not the Man You Think He is at All... HE'S THE ROCKET-RACEEEER...

As was pointed out by our eagle-eyed readers, Pete's "bad guy fake-out" problem in Amazing Spider-Man #170 was at least the third time something like this had happened:

Anyone know of any other times?  sPat? Robert Gillis? Marv?  Allergy?  My supply of Amazing isn't complete, so if anyone knows of any additional times this plot device was used, it would be fun to know about!

But you know who Pete hadn't been seeing illusions of?  The Rocket Racer.  Because he pops up in Amazing Spider-Man #172:

You know, he has made something of a comeback in recent years, even making a couple of appearances in the awesome Avengers Academy, not to mention an episode of Spider-Man: The Animated Series of the 1990s.

But he's still an awful character.

I think Pete was trying to oversell it there.  Granted, symbiote villains like Venom and Carnage were still more than a decade away, but I'm pretty sure this guy wasn't on the short list of villains to audition for the Sinister Six.

But that issue had JJJ dancing, so there's always that:

Fast forward to issue #174, where Harry is all emo because his fiance Liz Allen dumped him.  Why?  Because Liz's brother, who everyone except Aunt May seemed to know was the Molten Man, forced her to steal chemicals for him ("Why, Liz?  Why are you stealing chemicals?" "I can't tell you why, Peter!" "If only I remembered that you only do these things when your brother is in town and emotionally blackmailing you, I could solve this infernal mystery!") bit the big one and, as everyone who has ever been in a serious relationship will tell you, the death of a family member requires you to end an engagement.  Because that's the rule.

Anyway, Pete and Flash take Harry to that psychiatrist who gives me the creeps:

Oh.  Well he doesn't seem that creepy right THEREOHMYGOODNESSWHATISTHATONHISWALL?

You know what else will set my therapy back?  Looking at carved images of demons while I'm in therapy!

Oy.  See you tomorrow!

Robots and Hallucinations are NOT the Same Thing! We are NOT Running Out of Ideas!

The Amazing Spider-Man...

... respects posted instructions.

Signs, signs, everywhere signs... SING IT WITH ME!

Okay, enough of that.  Time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue(tm!):

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!

That's awesome.  It really is.

Let's take a look at Amazing Spider-Man #170: 

If we hadn't learned it already it's that mental health professionals in comics are always evil, and Doctor Faustus is no exception.  His main ability appears to be causing his cigarette holder to appear and disappear whenever the situation calls for it:

As we might expect the good evil doctor is using his psychiatric training for evil, causing Spidey to think he's gone wakka-wakka and getting attacked by his some of his greatest foes.  Well, his greatest foes and  Man-Wolf.  Thusly:

I'm not sure why seeing all of his enemies coming out of nowhere to attack him is surprising.  It seems like he's dealt with that before...

Oh yes:

Wow.  They didn't even get through two years of issues before they recycled that plot device.  They used different characters (for the most part, because you see the Vulture in both issues), but after my first go-round of seeing bad guys who aren't there and learning it was a sham, I'd be pretty skeptical the second time.  Especially so soon after the first time.  

But Pete's questioning his sanity on both covers.  I guess since Dr. Faustus used hallucinations in #170 and Smythe used robots in #150, we're supposed to think this is all a fresh idea or something.  Hey, comics were only 30 cents back then.  We took what they gave us.

See you Monday!