Forget the Writer or the Artist, I Buy Books Based on Who the Associate Editor Is!

So I'm leafing through All-Flash Quarterly #8.  You may recall that the powers that be put a poll in the book, asking readers to weigh in as to how they felt about Winky, Blinky and Noddy as well as whether they wanted to see full-length stories or four shorter ones.  Winky, Blinky and Noddy (unlike Jason Todd) were given a vote of approval by the readers, while readers were reportedly evenly-divided as to the length of the stories.  So, they cut the figurative baby in half and announced that future issues would have two longish stories of 32 pages (rather than four 16-pagers or one 64 pager), disappointing everyone equally.

I, for one, wanted short stories but I was about 70 years too late to cast a meaningful ballot.  I wasn't in favor of long stories because that meant when a story opened with something like this:

... you were stuck with it for 64 pages.  

What struck me as funny about this is that the kid was blind and was having complications from an operation designed to restore his sight.  The upshot was that if he couldn't stay awake without stimulus (no Mountain Dew for him!), he wouldn't survive. The kid's mother remarked that the kid was a huge fan of the Flash and so Jay shows up to tell him a story.  Because kids never fall asleep when you tell them a story while they're laying flat on their backs in a bed.

Which meant that we got a lot of stuff like this: 

I don't know what kind of "quick relief" he's talking about, but the look on his face is telling me I don't want it.

It didn't get any better, even in a "it's so bad it's good because I can make fun of it on CMNS" kind of way.  As you might expect, the kid regains his sight and realize that Jay and the Flash are one in the same.

And now that you can see, do I have any boogers?

Okay, I'm better than that.  My point with the panel is that Jay was talking to the kid as the Flash the entire time and isn't quick enough to stop the kid's chatter before he gets out everything but the last syllable?  That room still has the doctor and the kid's mother in there, so I'm pretty sure the cat's out of the proverbial sack.

Here was an ad I saw for the second issue of Wonder Woman:

Well, I was going to skip it, but ALICE MARBLE, WORLD'S FORMER AMATEUR TENNIS CHAMPION IS THE ASSOCIATE EDITOR?  Well, put a gun to my head, why don'tcha?  That rocks on so many levels!

See you tomorrow!

Death Strikes and Major Stuart Drinks Heavily!

As I bid a fond farewell to Pep Comics #3, let's pay a visit to Bentley of Scotland Yard!

Don't ever hang around with Bentley.  People who hang around Bentley drop like flies.

I accuse nobody... I trust nobody... I guarantee the safety of nobody...

I told you so.

Fortunately, Major Stuart clearly sees this as a wake-up call to treasure the moments of his own life...

And Bentley discovers the killer used a knife-shooting cane to kill his victims discreetly...

... and, of course, Bentley knew exactly how to use said cane:

So, is there a training course at Scotland Yard on knife-throwing canes?  Because he sure picked that skill up in a hurry!

Check out this ad in the back cover....

I have no idea how/if this worked, but if this is an honest-to-goodness vinyl recorder, a similar device will run you about $4200 bucks these days.  I presume that for $4200, you can make an LP as opposed to a "full 3 minutes."   But it was this little bit of text that tickled me....

Well I don't know how many orchestras or radio programs only performed for three minutes, but I'm guessing it wasn't very many.  And telling me to pirate performances?  My, how times have changed.

See you tomorrow!

Clever Lois!

Hey!  Robert Gillis was kind enough to send me some panels from the always-bizarre Lois Lane title.

Here's the setup: Lois got superpowers somehow because all kinds of strange physiological things happen to her in her own title despite the fact that they rarely happen anywhere else.  She decides to become "Superwoman," partly because she's not that creative and partly because she's one of those chicks who tries out your last name long before you've given her any inclination that you're that serious about her.  You know the type.  

Anyhoo, she makes lightning with her hands.  Thusly:

Okay, lightning comes about when ice and water particles collide and build up large electrical fields in the clouds.  The lightning is the discharge of that.  Sooooooo... while I appreciate that she can applaud with the best of them, I don't think the prerequisite conditions for lightning have been met.  But Lois Lane  is a comic meant for girls, I suppose, so why worry about being accurate?  How much science does a girl need to know to be a secretary or a housewife?

And here we have Lois failing to see through yet another disguise:

I'm impressed that Perry White was able to hide a cigar under a mask.  I'm not certain from this vantage point that it was actually lit, but that would still create kind of an odd bump in the mask.  Egad!  You have a tumor shaped .... almost like a cigar!  You should really get that looked at!  Of course, the king of the ridiculous disguise application is still Batman, what with the ability to hide rigid bat ears in a skull cap, but that's still some pretty good work by Perry White.

See you tomorrow!

Fatigued? Maybe You've Received an Undiagnosed Gunshot Wound!

As I've gone through a few of these issues of Pep Comics you may have noticed that I overlooked the "Kayo Ward" feature.  This is largely because I find comics that aren't about people with superpowers (can I say "superpowers" without getting sued by the Big Two these days?) are dreadfully dull.  But this particular installment from Pep #3 caught my eye:

It won't be Kayo Ward!  And as you can tell by my demeanor, I LOVE COCAINE!!!!

Okay, the logic of this kind of threw me off.  Kayo gets a telegram, right?  This is what it says:

Now, I recognize that the Western Union guy probably doesn't pay much attention to the messages he's given all day long, but wouldn't that one kind of leap out at you as you're wiring it?  It's not like the message is so cryptic that even the most careless reader can't glean what the sender is driving at.  Those people at Western Union must be some stone cold-hearted dudes is all I'm saying.

But this panel sold me:

THAT is a man who is not in touch with his body's signals.  I sure am tired.  It must be all the Red Bull I've been drinking.  Or maybe the bullet wound is keeping me from getting a good night's sleep... nah, probably the Red Bull.

That's some good stuff right there.

See you Monday!!

Guest-Starring BATMAN! Note That There Are No Refunds!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a "Man of the People."  I respect anyone who is working any job, because every job is important in making the world go around.  So, I am often the last person to complain or criticize someone when they're struggling with getting their job done if  they're giving it their all.

That being said, the Queen of Diamonds needs to raise her standards:

How many times is The Rocket... excuse me, SIR Rocket, going to have to duke it out with these guys?  I appreciate their enthusiasm and their desire to protect the Queen, but their cognitive reasoning skills leave a lot to be desired.  Frankly, I'm surprised the Queen has lasted this long.

Hey!  It's a guest appearance by Batman!

Well.... okay, but he's the KING OF THE BAT-MEN.  That should count for something.

Okay, that was a bit of a disappointment.  The only thing that would make me feel better is a shot of a dead dragon's head being crammed into the mouth of gigantic blue turtle.  And... AND... the turtle should have striped legs.

Say what you will about Pep Comics, it has its moments of greatness.

The problem I have with that statement is that there are going to be kids who are as dumb as I was and think that it's possible to go kayaking and travel the speed of light.  And I would insist that it was possible because I "had read it somewhere."

So how do we end such a fanciful epic?

Yeah, just have him repair the ship off-panel and launch 'em.  Of course, he arguably could have done that at the beginning  of the story, but I don't read these things for their gritty realism.

See you tomorrow!

Pitching Pennies at Tecumseh!

Let's check in on The Midshipman from Pep #3, shall we?

Considering how demanding Princess has been in the past, she's being a surprisingly cheap date.

I had to Google what "pitching pennies" actually is.  Apparently, you toss the pennies at the statue, and the person who has their coin closest to the statute wins all the coins on the ground.  It is believed that variations of this game have been played since Ancient Greece and may have shown up in the first Olympics, where I'm sure it was really entertaining for onlookers.

Hey... if you have areas designated solely for parades, you've got to expect all kinds of parades.

Yeah, the free use of "gay" and "queer" back in the day make for easy cheap jokes.  I never claimed I was above it.

The MIDSHIPMAN is NOT UNHURT!

Give me a minute....

Okay, that means he was hurt.  I had to diagram the sentence to be sure.

You know he's hurt because his head is fully wrapped:

Even the President of the United States has asked me to thank you!

Really?!

Well... he didn't NOT ask me to not unthank you!

I love the Golden Age.

See you tomorrow!

Do You Like Whips? Because Von Leo Would Like to Speak with You.

The Press Guardian story from Pep #3 has me befuzzled.  First, it appears that even though they totally revamped the character from the first story, they're going to bring it up.  

So, was Perry "The Falcon"?  Why did he lose that identity?  Someone needs to make with some explanations, or I may lose my deep reverence for this particular character.

Anyway, never wonder if your arch enemy really died, because you'll totally jinx it.

But Leo is a pretty cool cat, so I don't mind seeing him come back:

Yeah!  And shove bamboo strips under her fingernails if she doesn't make my sandwich correctly!

But Leo really doesn't think things through.  Thusly:

Now, I'm not trying to tell Leo how to run his evil railroad there, but wouldn't it have made more sense to just bomb the Daily Express?  I mean, it just seems a bit more direct is all...

Leo has a hard time with the smaller picture as well.  Thusly:

...or, if I remember that I have a gun in my other hand, I'll just play it safe and shoot you!

Not that our hero is much better:

Okay, this does make more sense than Batman tucking his cowl into disguises (which is much more effective than I would anticipate), but how did the guard recognize the Press Guardian without his mask?  It's not that Perry uses the greatest disguise, but all things considered, that's one sharp henchmen.  When the Moronia Bund folks are looking to advance someone into management, they should review this guy.

And seriously, why is Perry even bothering?

I'm not sure who the bald guy is.  Is that his dad?  Because his dad doesn't know that Perry is the Press Guardian.  Although he certainly does now.

You know what you can't do?  This:

Try to lift someone high over your head that isn't cooperating.  It's not going to happen.  And if Perry has powers, I've yet to see that explained or revealed so I'm calling shenanigans.

See you tomorrow!