You Shouldn't Tell Me to Do What I Want if You're Planning on Punishing Me if I Do What I Want. That's Entrapment.

No posting on Monday, my lovelies... it being a holiday and all.

But that's okay, because it's time for The Midshipman story from Pep Comics #2!

Now you may recall that Lee Samson (who, with a name like that, had to either be a military man or a carny) had the dubious honor of winning the conditional affections of .... eh, I don't remember her name and I don't care enough to scroll down to find it.  And apparently her affections are as fleeting as ever:

It was explained earlier in the story about how if Lee ran his part of the race one way, his team would win, but I don't think it was a relay race so I'm not really sure how that would have worked.  Anyway, Lee should have stuck with the "good riddance" sentiment, but you know he'll be apologizing to Princess as soon as the race is over.

Again, I'm not sure where that's coming from.  He's saying he wants to beat someone individually, even if that means his team loses.  That may be disloyal, or not a team player, but I don't think he's a quitter.  No wonder Lee looks confused there.

I have a really hard time following these stories.

Anyway, he ends up running the race, which is as exciting as reading about a race in a comic book is, which is to say not at all. Here he's running chest-deep through a river or something:

Okay, even if we have no clue it's going to rain (because we all know the military doesn't have all kinds of meteorological tech stuff for predicting the weather), don't you think they would have marked off an alternate route before the race began?  I mean, the military trains pretty hard to be able to adapt to situations.  The fact that they weren't able to come up with a way to detour a race in the amount of time it took for a chest-deep river to form isn't one of our proudest moments.

That's right, Daniels.  You race Lee Samson and you're going down.  One way or another.

I have no proof Lee was responsible, but you just know he was.

Oh, man... we learned a lesson.  I hate learning lessons.

See?  What did I say.  Whipped.

See you Tuesday!

The Wonder Woman TV Theme Sounds Awesome When Reading Sergeant Boyle Comics. I'm Just Saying.

Some of you folks may have noticed that I was pretty quiet about politics this election season.  Well, that was deliberate, not because there's anything wrong with talking about politics, but because I just didn't want to exert the energy into all the flaming.  But now that it's over, I will tell you that this country dodged a bullet recently.

No, not Romney.  The proposed Wonder Woman television show:

I forget who the actress is, but she was way to skinny to be an amazon.  She would be a spear-carrier for an amazon at best.

Sorry to get all opinionated on you, but it had to be said.  We as a nation avoided a very dark chapter in history.

Hey!  It's time for the Sergeant Boyle story from Pep Comics #2!

He's had that enemy soldier in a headlock for the past 45 minutes.  He just hasn't gotten around to killing him yet.  That's Sergeant Effin' Boyle!

Hand to hand combat to the death makes him purr like a cat:

He's Sergeant Effin' Boyle!

He can dodge bullets!

Wait.... why can he dodge bullets?

Oh.  I know why.

Because he's Sergeant Effin' Boyle!

Is that man behind you holding a gun to your back?

What?  Oh... yes, sir.

Does that in any way affect the credibility of your report?

No, sir.  That's just Sergeant Effin' Boyle!

He'll hop in your foxhole and clean house!

You know it's a serious beating when entire planets come flying out.

That's right, Dutchmen.  He's Sergeant Effin'... wait.  Dutchmen?

Weren't we fighting Germans?  I'm sure we were.  Why are we picking on the Dutch?

Oh, well.  I'm sure it's okay, because he's Sergeant Effin' Boyle.

Excitement?  But Sarge, don't you think it was exciting that you...

Oh, wait.  I see what you did there.

Well, played Sergeant Boyle.  Well played.

See you tomorrow!

I'm Naming My Next Band Tiger-Devil Worship Cult. DIBS!

When you're looking at an installment of Fu Chang... International Detective like I did here from Pep Comics #2, you notice that it really boils down to three things.  First, that bad guys apparently have access to a mighty  power but they have enough professional courtesy not to strike while someone else is keeping Fu Chang... International Detective busy...

So, it's not like the Tiger-Devil Worship Cult just came upon their Tiger-Devil creature.  They were just waiting their turn.  Just because they're evil, doesn't mean they're rude.  Anyone who lives in the South knows what an important distinction that is.  Bless your heart.

The second is that little chess pieces are badass

Yup.  That ear-pulling move was the finisher.

And thirdly, and I cannot stress this enough...

Fu Chang... International Detective will cut you.  He will find you, and he will cut you.  Be so advised.

See you tomorrow!

The Press Guardian Guards the Press and Keeps Your Headquarters as Neat as a Pin!

Okay, so we're only two issues into Pep Comics and they've already re-tooled The Press Guardian.  Of course, that's not unusual.  Heck, the "Elaine" character wasn't in the Seinfeld pilot.  But it does break the Fourth Wall a bit when suddenly the Falcon is replaced by a guy who actually calls himself "The Press Guardian."  Although I'll admit that makes a lot more sense:

The bad guys are called the "Moronia Bund."  Take that as you will.

That's a pretty weak costume, considering you're wearing the same pine green suit the bad guy just saw you wearing.  It wasn't as stupid when the Golden Age Sandman did it.  He didn't parade himself in front of his adversaries without his mask on all day beforehand.  The Question was awesome because he had that gas that changed the color of his suit when he switched ID's.

Anyway, back to the Press Guardian...

See?  Ran right past him in that suit.  And just a few minutes later...

I'm not sure how the bullet didn't kill him.  I don't think they said.  I'm still stuck on the Moron Bund leader's short-term memory problems.

What's all this talk about eggs?  Hah!  I... poured Hollendaise sauce on YOUR ... toast points... or something...

Ruh-roh!  The jig is up!

Maybe he got wise when he realized the janitor was doing custodial duties in a three piece suit.  I'm not the most observant guy in the world, but I didn't have any problems noticing it...

So, once he's found out, it's time for the AWESOME FINAL SHOWDOWN!

... wherein our hero just scoots up a vent and calls the police.  Wow.  Action at it's finest!

Oh, and then this happens...

What?  Who is Baldwin?  And did we mention that Baldwin is a robot?  Because he's a robot.

No, not really.  At least as far as I know.  By next issue, who knows?

See you tomorrow?

Reefer and Satan, Together Again

Since we looked at the Shield story on Friday, you knew we just had to check out the Comet story from Pep Comics #2.

You know how when you were a kid, you used to think you could write comics?  You could have written this one.  Guaran-dang-teed.

Ooooooo!  Scary!  But the Comet will not abide it!  HE SHALL NOT!

I think if the monster has a "headquarters," we're kind of giving something away here.  Anyway...

The man's name is "Reefer."  Okay, that was awesome.

THE TRUCK APPROACHES, MY DARK LORD!

Now I realize I don't always read things that carefully, but there is nary an origin story for Satan, so I can only assume he's the Biblical version.  

I wonder if it's any coincidence that "Reefer" works for "Satan."  The Devil's Parsley shall not pass mine lips, it shan't!  

Anyway, the Comet gets himself caught, because we've got to fill up a page, and he breaks his visor:

Okay, so you recognize that the visor is the only thing that keeps those disintegrating rays from dissolving anything he looks at, right?

Except when it doesn't:

Now, we're either glossing over the fact that his eyes should have taken out the blimp on sight (not to mention his right hand there), or he's flying with his eyes closed and is just a very good guesser.  Frankly, I think it would have been very entertaining if he'd had to fly with his eyes closed, running into things like birds into windows:

I wonder if they have any radio towers around here... ZZZZAP!  THUD!

Did you make those sound effects in your head?  Because you were supposed to.

Anyway, now that it's convenient to the telling of the story, the beams do their "visor-lifty" thing:

And, without any real explanation of who was responsible for it, the story just... well, it just comes to an end:

I guess that settles that.

See you tomorrow!

The Moistened Body of the Shield

As you were warned yesterday, today we plow into Pep Comics #2.  Let's take another look at the Golden Age Shield, who wastes no time showing off his most amazing power yet:

Yes, the man can get out of an entire suit of clothing while being seated in a commercial aircraft.  I can't even unbend my knees.  That was dang impressive.

You know what else was impressive?  This:

Yeah!  You know he's gonna make you eat that gun, but you might as well get in his head with a little trash talk.  Kudos, Random Henchman!

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I usually have cereal and toast.  It's hard to get it down when it's really cold outside, but fiber needs being what they are...

... oh, were we not talking about breakfast?  Moving on:

I'm not sure what he intended to accomplish by setting himself on fire first, but what more caught my eye was the ray gun that just came from out of nowhere:

A paralyzing ray?  What?  I promise you, there was no foreshadowing in this story that anyone had a paralyzing ray!  The Shield was just investigating piracy against oil tankers off the coast of Puerto Rico.  Who the heck said anything about a paralyzing ray?

I'll tell you one thing about a paralyzing ray:

It is useless against my moistened body.

I'm not sure how he pulled that off, because he didn't have any explosives on him, nor did we ever see any on the ship.  If he blew up the fuel supply, that was really short-sighted of him.  Couldn't the USA have used a few thousand gallons of oil?  Not to armchair quarterback the guy, but...

See you tomorrow!

Watch Out for the Dicks! And the Bulls! And Arm Your Children!

So check out the cover to Pep Comics #2 and tell me we aren't in for some good times:

Yowza!  Shooting, dissolving and entombing your foes all at once?  Why did anyone ever ef with the Shield?

I don't even get past the inside cover before I see this:

Yes, a "blank cartridge pistol," and if you can't read the tiny print it says "FINE FOR PROTECTION."

I live in Oklahoma.  We've had Concealed Carry for years and we're about to go to Open Carry.  I can say, with little reservation, that a blank pistol incapable of firing anything is ANTI-FINE FOR PROTECTION.  Nothing will get you killed quicker than brandishing an imitation weapon.

And isn't this comic meant for little kids?  This is really messed up. And it's so cheap!  For the cost of five comics, I could have had an imitation firearm?  Sold to ten year-old Adam!

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm)! courtesy of Butch McLobster:

I'm going to send this one to Bully and see if he puts it on his blog.

See you tomorrow!