I Learned it by Watching YOU! Tuesday!

Know what I just finished reading?  Shut Up and Give Me the Mic by Dee Snider of "Twisted Sister" infamy.  I was never much of a fan, but the book is actually a great account of a world-famous rock star who would be destitute two years after his biggest successes.

And although Snider swears up and down he wasn't much for the drinking or the drugging, I thought it would be a good time to devote an entire day (courtesy of All-Flash Quarterly #4) to Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!) ... Recreational Pharmaceuticals Edition!:

And before you even ask... he wasn't.

Peer pressure is a terrible thing.  Just say NO, Jay!

That's right, kids!  Just run away from creepy old people and their pills and whatnot!

Yeah, that's a little out of place in the story, but I like the sound effects!  YEE-EEE! EEEEEEEEHHHH! YOOOOOOWWWW!

Careful, Jay... that's how it starts!

Daddy does like his pills.  I kind of admire his passion.

And now the daughter is on board.  Did we learn nothing from this?:

The classics never die.

See you tomorrow!

The Mysterious Case of Herbert Honey Monday!

So, we're coming to the end of All-Flash Quarterly #3, which is (tragically) the one and only appearance of Adam Addams.  But first, check out The Inkling Kid:

There were a couple of things about this feature that I found disturbing.  First, and foremost, it's that the character seems to be imprisoned in that bottle and has developed Stockholm Syndrome.  That really bothers me.

Second, of course, is the obvious pandering.  Back in the day, there was nothing cooler than seeing your name published somewhere.  This was before you young folks had the YouTube and whatnot so you could show millions of people your idiot friends setting their farts on fire.  Back then, it was very easy to go through life and never see your name on little more than birth certificate, a report card, a time card, and a death certificate.  And I don't guess you'd see the last one, but you get the idea.

And that reminds me of this song from the Godfathers from 1988:

Hear that, kids?  That's called a melody.  It's spelled M-E-L-O-D-Y.  And that guy in the back is playing drums.  Yes, before the drum machine and autotune ruined music forever, people actually carried tunes and played instruments.  I know it's hard to wrap your brain around, but it was true.

Anyway, getting back to The Inkling Kid.  There is very little info out there about the character, but he was apparently a "filler" cartoon for back when movies gave you a cartoon, a newsreal, a "short" and then the main feature.  And no, not even Yours Truly is old enough to remember that.

But apparently, the studio that produced that character actually ended up using the letters as a kind of market research.  They would ask about a something and rely on the feedback from the letters to make a decision.  So, when they asked about child star Herbert Honey (for whom I've also found little info) and the response was tepid, he was given the boot.  This was really a wild concept before PC's connected everyone.  But if you have any info about The Inkling Kid or Herbert Honey, please put it in the comments.

And, as seems to be the theme in All-Flash Quarterly, another great villain bites the dust.  And considering the man created centaurs, body doubles, an managed to get his hands on "Hard Water," he certainly didn't go out with the appropriate level of dignity:

This one I find particularly unsavory, but it could just be me:

Although, as befits a genius like Adam Addams, he ultimately checked out on his own terms.  Terms of Awesomeness!:

Fare thee well, Adam Addams.  We barely knew ye.

See you tomorrow!

To a Happy Vacay - with DEATH!

Sorry about the delay, my lovelies!  There were some technical issues but I believe we're fixed!

So, back to All-Flash Quarterly #3, where a bunch of folks are tricked into meeting at a desolate location:

I'm pretty sure this was a Hitchcock movie, but we'll play along because Adam Addams may be at the root of things.  And as we established yesterday, the man has parachuting centaurs, so he's allowed to phone an evil scheme in every now and again.

You'd think I'd say something like "Food just laid out like that after we've clearly been tricked into coming here?  Well, LET'S EAT!"

But before I could do that, they actually start eating!

It seems like the only one who has sense here is Dr. Hart:

Yup, Dr. Hart is outta there.  And who could blame him?  I'd take off like a rocket myself after the first body hit the floor, because I've seen enough movies to know the killer isn't just going to stop at one:

Uh-oh!  No cars!  What'll we do?  Again, we look to Dr. Hart for guidance:

I agree with the man.  Just start running, because sitting there waiting to get picked off would be stupid.  If any of you all survive the night, just send help in my general direction.  I'll be drinking cactus water and fighting wolves for armadillo carcasses.

See you Monday!

I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH THE AWESOME POWER OF HORSE LEGS! Thursday!

More of the Adam Addams story from All-Flash Quarterly #3, which gives us a bonus episode of "People Too Stupid to Live" at no extra charge, because comics gave you a lot for your dime back in the day:

The experiment YOU were working on?  Remember that one?  The one that created the Flash?  That one that YOU were working on all by yourself?  Do you ever wonder who the Flash is, because I have no idea!

And Jay doesn't help his own cause there....

That is a seriously stupid scientist.  I can't believe they let him near chemicals, to be honest with you.

Anyway, Adam Addams is further proving his awesomeness by creating Centaurs....

.... which would be plenty cool by itself, but you know what would be dang awesome?  Centaurs parachuting.

YEAH, baby!  They don't call it "The Golden Age of Comics" for nuttin'!

The Flash quickly defeats the Centaurs because, awesome though they may be, they're still just guys with horse's legs.  But what to do with them once you've caught them?

Hmmm... good point, officer.  Can I borrow your revolver and directions to the nearest pasture?

And now... for the first time since our re-boot a CMNS MOMENT OF COMIC BOOK GREATNESS! (tm!):

This has been a CMNS MOMENT OF COMIC BOOK GREATNESS! (tm!)

See you tomorrow!

Go A-Pirating Wednesday!

It's hard to believe that we're not going to talk about Roy Revenge, but we must move on!  On to All-Flash Quarterly #3!  But before we can read the comic, we have to get past some well-meaning attempt to get us to read "real" books:

I googled Josette Frank, and apparently she was quite the busy little bee when it came to figuring out what kids would read besides these funnybooks.  She passed away in 1989 at a respectable 96 years of age.

Anyway, I dutifully read her recommendations, ever mindful that the presence of this list in a comic book indicated someone other than my father felt that there were better things I could be reading, and I came upon this:

Ok, first?  "Go a-pirating" is going to be re-introduced to our modern vernacular.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to do it.

But what I really like about this review is how it just kind of wanes in enthusiasm by the end: Exciting!  Amusing!  .... eh, satisfactory.

Still, you've got to give the woman props on a life well-led.

Anyhoo, getting back to the comics: Since we apparently can't change the name of the comic to Flash Fights Roy Revenge Quarterly, which I think would have made gobs of money, we have a new bad guy in the form of Adam Addams.  He's basically a master of disguise, and I'm pretty sure he runs his own HMO:

Wow... don't just kill people, but mangle them as well?  I didn't know the Golden Age Flash attracted such hardcore badguys.

See? See?  This is why we need a single-payer universal healthcare system in the United States.  Crappy medical coverage leads to crimes against humanity.

Anyway, doctors go around hoping to pick off people who are on Medicaid, but the Flash gets there first:

Tsk.  Are you sure that was pre-approved, doctor?  Poison costs money.  I'm pretty sure you were only authorized by insurance to suffocate her with that pillow.

Now, here's an interesting bit of logic:

You just know that's a trick question, but what are you gonna do?  Anyway, here's the payoff:

Ah HA! You KNOW me!  THAT means you're no doctor!

What?  

Seriously, what?

I don't follow that line of logic at all.  Maybe the Flash is such a B-lister that real doctors don't have the kind of time or extra mental energy it would take to know who he was? I don't know, but I give you Exhibit "A", Mr. Smarty-Flash:

See?  Adam Addams is the worst bad guy of the bunch, and he doesn't know who you are!  So, it can't be that only bad people know who the Flash is, only that doctors can't know.

Hmmmmm... that's an interesting test to pull on your own physician.  Whip out a picture of the Golden Age Flash.  If your so-called "doctor" can identify him, s/he is clearly a fraud and you should immediately notify the appropriate authorities.

See you tomorrow! 

Forget the Past and Marry Your Sister Tuesday!

Well, we've come this far, so I know you'd never forgive me if we didn't finish the "Roy Revenge" story from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  The quarterly usually had four stories in it, but this mamma-jamma took up the whole thing, so even writer Gardner Fox recognized how awesome this tale was and wouldn't shorten it up for anyone.

Anyhoo, Joe Connor was imprisoned, as was Roy:

Considering the trouble and dedication Joe Connor went through to execute his revenge, Roy is seeming pretty sissified here.  I mean, I know Roy isn't aware that Joe went so far as to raise someone else's child for the sole purpose of getting back at them, but I'm thinking Joe was probably a bit more dedicated and should have called himself "Joe Revenge."

Fortunately, Joe is a bit more dedicated.  He breaks himself out of prison by hiding in a barrel of lye... which is a really bad, disfiguring idea.  But Joe is nothing if not persistent, so he makes lemons out of the lye that melted his face halfway off his skull and changes his face so he's not identifiable.  And then Joe breaks Roy out of prison so that Roy can get his revenge.

Meanwhile, Jay finally connected the dots Jim Kelley should have connected about seventeen years earlier:

Don't sign anything until you get a paternity test, Jim!  That's a lot of back child support you could be owing.

Jay promises the help of his alter-ego, who rather carelessly shows up a few minutes later.

Okay, we all know the Flash doesn't wear a mask, right?  I mean, Jim Kelley is about as dense as iridium (which is pretty dang dense... and I know because I googled it), but I would think that even he would notice that the guy standing in front of him is the same guy who was standing in front of him a few minutes earlier.  At least Clark Kent wore glasses.

And yes, I know all about the vibrating Jay supposedly does to keep people from recognizing him, but look here:

I SAID LOOK HERE!:

His face looks pretty clear to me, and this comic is 70 years old.

And that whole "internal vibration" thing seems like a lot of trouble.  So you just twitch all the time?  Wouldn't it be a lot less trouble to just slap a mask over your face?

Anyway, Roy shows up to shoot Jim Kelley, and the Flash lets him know how the cow ate the cabbage:

As you can see by how quickly he process this information, Roy is his father's son.

But Joe, who is still more badass captured than Roy would be with a nuclear bomb strapped to his fanny, takes himself out with a poisoned cigarette:

I think all cigarettes are actually poisoned in their own way.  This one was just quicker.  So long, Joe!  You were much more interesting than your victims.

Speaking of which, things get creepy when Greg and Marcia Brady decide they can act on their smoldering attraction to one another.  And I realize they aren't related by blood, but they were raised together as brother and sister, so... that's just gross.

And there was an ad in the back of the comic for selling Christmas cards or something.  Look at what you got if you sold a single order:

Yes, a live canary.  You've got to give them points for originality on that one.  Although I don't care how safe the delivery is "guaranteed" to be, I'd still be concerned about lawsuits if a bunch of kids get a bunch of dead birds in the mail.  But people were less litigious then, I suppose.

See you tomorrow!

The Roy Revenge Saga pt. 2!

Okay, we're still talking about "Roy Revenge," from All-Flash Quarterly #2.  It's important to know this because it makes the following Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) worth it:

Get it?

See, his kid calls himself "Roy Revenge" so if he watches "his revenge" come to a quick climax it's...

Well, if you don't get it, that's all the explaining I'm doing.

Meanwhile, no one seems to understand why anyone could possibly have it in for former District Attorney Jim Kelley:

Yeah, what kind of enemies could you have when you prosecute people for a living?  It's hard to image anyone having an ax to grind...

Even Jim Kelley himself can't figure it out: 

I can only assume at this point that he was the most ineffective District Attorney in the history of modern jurisprudence.  If no one has any beef with you and you were trying to put people in prison or have them strapped to a gurney and pumped full of poison, you had to be completely harmless.  Kind of like these baby numbats:

See?  Now picture them in a bad suit trying to prosecute you.  If they failed, would you hold a grudge?  Of course you wouldn't.

Hey!  It's time for some bonus Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

See you tomorrow!