But She's Such a PRETTY Thorn Thursday!

Folks, DrunkDuck.com, who was hosting Snatcher Bodies, had some sort of major server problem and a bunch of stuff was wiped out.  I may put it back up there at some point, but for now, just download it from DriveThruComics using the link in the right-hand column, okay?

Now, back to me making fun of the comics other people made.

Even when Action Comics lets me down for material, I can always count on Lois Lane's solo title for blogging material.  Even the letters page in Lois Lane #5 gave me a chuckle:

Thomas Emory was the coolest kid back in the Silver Age.  He tells it like it is, and we all need a friend who is willing and able to say, "Whoa there, Hoss!  Simmer down!"

Of course, what does the editor say?  "Eh, she's pretty, so leave her be!"

Hey!  It's time for an installment of Lois Lane Head Injury Theater (tm!):

I'm not sure where this originally appeared, but I found it in Lois Lane Annual #1.  Lois is in plane crash, and...

she falls from a tree and hits her head on a rock.  All things considered, that's a pretty good deal for having been in a plane crash, but Lois has lost her memory.  Which, as we all know by now, happens all the time to Lois Lane.

Normally, the idea is to patronize Lois less the realization that she's Lois Lane prove too traumatic.  Which makes some sense, because how would you like to wake up one morning and suddenly remember that you're Lois Lane?  Yup.  It sounds pretty traumatic to me!

Anyway, instead of being patronized by people, Lois gets patronized by a bunch of leopards.

Yes, she's adopted by leopards.  Which I hear is a common danger of head injuries: Amnesia and Becoming Queen of a Leopard Pack.

Of course, there can only be one solution to this situation.  You guessed it:

Yup.  If someone gets amnesia from falling out of a tree and landing on your head, the most widely accepted solution in the medical communities of virtually all industrialized nations is to wait until the patient climbs another tree and lands on her head again.

Oh, my.  I bet it was fun to write Lois Lane comics.  It's like there were no standards whatsoever.

Try not to hit your head and join any packs of wild animals, my lovelies!  I'll see you tomorrow!

Domestic Relations Counselling - The COMICS Way! Wednesday!

From Lois Lane #5, I give you... Answers to Rhetorical Questions, Relationship Edition (tm!):

The answer to this question, as anyone who has ever been married knows, is "NO! You cannot be silent without insulting your wife."  Hear what I say, men!

It is never advisable to discount your wife's questions, no matter how silly they are.  The correct answer is, "The only difference is that you are even more amazing now than you were yesterday."

No, no, no... the correct answer is clearly, "I wish I could chart your radiance, Lois, but it's impossible to measure!"

See, guys?  Is this so hard?

Or, you can roll like Johnny here:

This is the best comic strip I think I've ever seen.

See you tomorrow!

You Can't Literally Scare Pounds Off of People and Superman Knows This and He is a Big Tool Tuesday!

So, I was reading Action Comics #105...

I realize this is all in good fun, but doesn't that look just a bit painful for Kris Kringle?  I mean, it's bad enough he can't squeeze down the chimney, but to have Superman grinding his fist into your belly certainly can't be very soothing.

Believe it or don't, this cover actually had something to do with the story inside.  You see, we've got Mr. Rasper, who appears to have issues with holiday-related social norms:

You know, I just can't help but like the guy.  He's such a schmuck that it kind of transcended being a jerk and made it to the other side where he's just so hateful I can't help but find it funny.  Then again, I don't  work for the guy.  But neither does Cartwright.  At least, not after that clear breach of company protocols on festive well-wishery.

Anyway, Rasper is a mean guy who slipped Santa a mickey and now Santa is too fat to go down chimneys.  This led to all kinds of questionable positioning and dialogue.  Which, of course, leads us to Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I have had this blog for nearly five years now, and I think that's one of the filthiest things we've ever "Fun with Out of Context Dialogued!" (tm!)  So, score!

And here's another! (tm!):

And yes, these panels were right next to each other.  We don't play around fast and loose with the truth here at CMNS.

Meanwhile, Superman is a jerk:

See what I mean?  The man tortures Santa Effin' Claus, for crying out loud.  I really don't understand why this character is so popular.

Uh-oh.  Don't be careless!:

Well, it's hard to argue with that.  Maybe he shouldn't have been so careless.  Let this be a lesson to all of us not to be so careless.

See you tomorrow!

My Own Candy Factory? Why I'd be Stupid Not to Monday!

Hey!  It's a new, fun-filled week!  And here's some good stuff from Action Comics #104:

I'll take "Invitations I Should Never Accept" for $100, Alex!

Heister Hess...

should have waited until the door fully closed before defiantly shouting out his plans.

Meanwhile, at the local newspaper....

the Sales Department learned that their "Cash or Punch Us in the Face" payment policy, while popular, failed to generate necessary revenues.

Oh, that was silly.  But not as silly as this:

Candy Factory... or as they called it in my day, a "chemistry set."

And apparently, lollipops were considered "good for growing youngsters."  Some day, they'll learn that Oreos  cure gout.  Just you watch.

Towns Made of Candy and Magic Polluting Shoes Friday!

So, it's Action Comics #104, and we're just minding our own beeswax and...

Oh, look!  It's Superman!  Hi, Superman!  It's always great to see you!  Have you come to check out Candytown?  

Hey, now!  I don't think that's necessary!

Seriously, Superham, what is your problem?  I really don't see why you have such a fan base.

I don't know how old those kids in the upper left are, but they look a little too old to be worrying about candy.  I mean, they look like teenagers.  Are they on a date, or something?  If so, someone needs to do a Beanie Intervention on that boy, or he's getting no lovin' from Blondie.  Not to mention the fact that he took her to a town made out of candy.  Giving a girl candy on the first date runs the risk that you'll look like you're trying to hard.  Taking her to an entire theme park made of candy?  My boy there has no game.  No game at all!

Eh, sell me some shoes:

If Thom there has some "Magic Bazooka Shoes" that enable him to run across treetops like he's in one of those Twilight movies, shouldn't that magic also do away with the "deadly exhaust"?  You know, because they're magic and all?  I kind of expect magic stuff to be more environmentally friendly.  

Not that I care.  I don't have any kids.  Let the world choke on itself - just wait until after I'm gone (which, at this rate, should be a week from Thursday).  Let your own kids figure out the exhaust problem in magic shoes.  This is hardly my concern.  And why do people who have children get tax deductions and effectively pay less taxes than those who don't?  You breeders use a lot more in public resources than I do.  If anything, I should get tax deductions.  I'm not using public schools!  Pay for your own dang kids.  They bother me.

See you Monday!

My Cape has Flesh-Colored Highlights! Yeah, Let's Go with That! Thursday!

So, I was reading Detective Comics #487 and was checking out the Robin solo story.  Here, we find Robin in a typical Robin-style quandry:

Okay, that's fine.  No problem.  Until this:

And then this:

Now, I had to read this a few times to figure out what the heck was being used as a dummy leg here.  I mean, Batman teaches you to be resourceful and all, but I can't imagine anyone toting around a nine foot leg.

So, it finally occurs to me that Robin isn't wearing his cape in that last panel, so it must be his cape.

You know, his bright yellow cape.

His bright yellow, not even remotely the color of the flesh of any human being that has walked the Earth, now or ever.

Well, clearly the colorist is cheating and making Robin's cape flesh-colored for these two panels, which constitutes clear shenanigans.  I realize that a bright yellow leg wouldn't have fooled anyone, so he probably felt obliged to fudge a little to make it more believable.  But, seriously?  That needs to go back to the artist to make changes, because there is no salvaging that with color swatches.

Oh, comics.  I love you, yet you treat me this way.

But then I read something like this:

Ahhhh.  Thanks, Action Comics #104!

I'll see you tomorrow!

Glub Blub Wednesday!

And so, with a tear in our eye, we come to the final pages of Robert Gillis's look at Lois Lane #42. You may recall Robert wondering who would possibly marry Lois and Supes now that they were both teenagers and didn't live in the Ozarks.  Who?  Well, I'll let Robert answer that question:

 A blind man, of course! 

Superboy sees that the Justice of the Peace has a metal splinter in his skull, causing his blindness:

So Superboy rewires the radio to um, um, magnetically rip the piece of metal out of the guy’s skull. Um, harmlessly. Um, yeah. Um, you know, this is why you don’t wear any metal in an MRI. The metal would kind-sorta explode out of your head exactly like a bullet. I saw that episode of “House.” It was gruesome.

So the Justice of the Peace, winner of “Least dramatic response to getting your sight back, ever,” notes that he can see again, and then refuses to marry the kids, because everyone who works in the Smallville Municipal Court System knows these “March and April” romances seldom work.

And by the way, why was the blind guy surprised that Lois and Superman were kids? Certainly their voices changed as well? Sheesh.

12 year old Lois has another scheme! The young couple flies to the S.S. Andovia. She’ll get her old friend Captain Pushover, er, Hobson, to marry them.

Captain Hobson probably understands this kid is really Superman, considering they flew in and all, but he accepts the absurdity of the situation pretty quickly. “Hmmm… This is very irregular…”

“…But for old time’s sake, I’ll perform the ceremony, Lois!” Doesn’t he know these marriages between 12 year olds seldom work?

 I love how the other crew members and officers are standing there, smiling like this wedding is a GOOD thing. Awww, two 12 year olds getting married by the captain. Isn’t this romantic?

Lois: “I’ve got to give myself credit for outwitting Superman for once.” Nice.  Reveling in how you forced someone to marry you: Just the sort of thing a bride should be thinking of on her special day.

Golly, how will Supeman get out of this one? By causing waves to crash into the ship and nearly kill everyone! 

Then, for good measure, he rocks the boat until everyone is sick!

And for people who are sea-sick, these people sure talk a lot. I’ve been sea-sick, and you don’t talk much, except to say, “Get the hell out of the way!” as you race to the side of the boat.

(I was seasick once, and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.  If I didn't have reason to dislike Superham before, I certainly do now! - adam)

Lois and Superman are now TODDLERS, but the honorable Dudley Diggs, Esquire, takes the case and convinces a COURT JUDGE to sign the marriage license for… wait for it… wait for it… Two FOUR YEAR OLDS.

Doesn’t the judge know these “February and February” romances seldom work?

For the record, the wedding couple is registered at Babies R Us, Baby Gap, and the Pampers aisle at your local market.

 How do you put a wedding like this together so quickly? Besides Perry, Lucy and Jimmy, who are all thee wedding guests? They’re all dressed up, tuxes and gowns, the church is full — WTH? And I LOVE Lucy’s comment, “It’s weird… But the marriage was ruled legal, and they’ll both be normal tomorrow, so we might as well just go ahead.” God, I love the Silver Age. These two are BABIES and people just shrug.

And of course, the ultimate irony, Lois can’t say her vows, because she has regressed to a baby and cannot speak. I can’t believe there isn’t a lawyer in the church saying this sort of thing happens all the time and have someone get power of attorney to speak for Lois.

So, the next day, the reset button has been pressed, and Dr. Light tracks Lois down and gives her some drug that cured her. Whatever.

Of course she destroyed the picture. Of course she wants to marry Superman fair and square. Of course everything is back to normal.

Thank God that’s the last time anything weird would happen in a Lois Lane comic! Um, except for the very next issue, when a short circuit in her electric typewriter sends Lois into a parallel universe. Really. First story in issue #43!

Wow, that was classic, and Robert's commentary rocked our worlds, didn't it?  Well, don't get too spoiled, poppets, because I'll be back tomorrow with the usual lackluster posts.  See you then!