Superman, You Sly Fox! Tuesday!

I know not everyone agrees, but it really annoys me when people take images I've gone through some trouble to find and post 'em on their own site without giving me credit for the find.  Know what I mean, fella?  

Speaking of giving credit where it's due, back to Robert Gillis and his play-by-play of one of the most awesomely bad Silver Age stories ever.  You may recall, Lois snapped a photo of Supes and he's too much of a gentleman to... oh, I don't know, take the camera from her and destroy it so he does the logical thing and agrees to marry her.  Now, to Robert:

So, Superman, the mightiest super-hero in the known galactic multiverse, accepts defeat. He’ll marry Lois tomorrow. But first, they have to find a place to live! And where does every girl dream of living? Why, at the Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole! (Or as the story calls it, Arctic wastes).

Look at the romantic way Superman carries Lois to his fortress. That’s CAN’T be comfortable for Lois, Superman looks like he’s carrying her like a sack of laundry. Or a body.

Hmmm, Superman muses, I could dump her body here — no one would ever find it…

Lois sees the fortress is big and barny, but some drapes might help. Sheesh. And then she finds the McGuffin — the spray bottle of rejuvenation formula.

“So this is why Superman always looks so young and handsome,” Lois muses. No, the reason he looks that way is that SUPERMAN IS A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER!

And like every other Lois Lane story of this era, Lois tries the unknown thingy on herself. Doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know what the thing is — there isn’t an alien artifact, untested scientific device, ancient cursed object or completely unknown chemical that Lois won’t impulsively use on herself.

 So, the magic spray not only made Lois a teenager but its “aura” shrunk her clothes? It might be supernatural, but even magic sprays obey the comics code authority.

Lois shouldn’t worry about this transformation — it’s actually pretty tame compared to other transformations. In 42 or so issues of “Lois Lane” she has transformed into an old hag and witch, a bald super-genius with a super-large head, a super-powered woman, a jungle woman, and also, a baby, and that’s just off the top of my head. Really — these were actual stories. So this is kind of an ordinary day for her.

How I love the silver age. ONE panel to explain Superman’s meeting with an EXTRATERRESTRIAL little green guy whose SPACESHIP was out of order. Superman’s reward? A MAGIC POTION created by the SPELL of a SORCERER. In 2011, that one panel would fill six months worth of modern comics. Who was the sorcerer? Who was the alien? How did he get stranded? How did Superman meet him and help him? How is it they both speak English? But in 1963, it’s just one panel, a throwaway line, “Oh, yeah, I got that magic fountain of youth spray from the spaceman I helped, he says a sorcerer created it. ” Y’know, a typical Tuesday for Superman.

Like all magic formulas and red Kryptonite and weird meteors, these effects last one day. Why does everything always last 24 hours?

“I order you to fly me back to Metropolis at once!” Gee, they aren’t even married yet and Lois is already bossing Superman around.

Superman, a grown man, takes jailbait, er, Lois, to the junior miss shop:

 “What a sweet child! I’ll bet Superman found her in an orphanage and intends to marry Lois Lane so they can adopt her.” 

Yep, lady, the ONLY possible answer.

Off to get a marriage license, where Superman is "tut-tutted":

The clerk chides Superman (who’s 29 years old in this continuity) that these “May-December” romances seldom work.  Lois is more like “March” than “May” at the moment and let’s face it, even if you’re Superman, if you show up at the marriage license bureau with a 14 year old, the cops are going to want to have a chat with you.

Lois Exposition reminds Superman he is vulnerable to magic and sprays him with the fountain of youth stuff, and presto, now we’re reading a Superboy story. Superman is vulnerable to the spell of a magician. So Superman should avoid Criss Angel and David Copperfield?

And even if Superman, um, Superboy, is now the same age as Lois (14-15) who in the world is going to marry them legally? I mean, besides Larry Flynt?

Thanks again, Robert!  We'll finish up this big heapin' helpin' of Silver Age weirdness tomorrow!

The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever Told Monday!

Okay, we tried last week to give Robert Gillis's account of what may be the most ridonkulous Lois Lane story of all time, and I had to scrap it because the pics just weren't getting bigger.  So, let's give it a go.  I'll do this story three pages at a time because... yes, it's that awesome.  Without further ado, I'll turn it over to Robert!:

While Silver Age comic book are always ripe for mocking, it’s rare that an entire story gets the detailed analysis (read: mocking) treatment. Welcome to July 1963, when Lois Lane #42 hit the stands. While most (if not all) of these early issues had Lois trying to get Superman to marry her (usually in some elaborate scheme), this particular epic, “The romance of Superbaby and Baby Lois” stretches even silver-age logic to the max, and as usual, snaps reality like a piece of taffy!

Speaking of reality, it should be noted that the lead story of the issue was Lois visiting Atlantis, and accidentally being sent back in time when a flashbulb scared some electric eels into activating a time belt (really) and Lois nearly destroys Atlantis (or at least had a hand in its sinking). The end story was Lois finding a real monkey’s paw that grants three wishes. But of course, 1960s comics were known for dealing with contemporary issues head on.

Um…

I love the opening panel. Superman (now a baby) can’t find any way out of this wedding. I’ll haphazard a guess on this one, Superman, as the way out is easy: YOU’RE A BABY! And so is your fiancé! And these baby romances never work — just look at Stewie Griffin and Olivia.

 Lois is finally convinced Clark Kent isn’t Superman. Um, since when? The defining aspect of her character for decades was trying to prove Clark was Superman! And one of these “he-men” in the photos is supposedly Superman? Lois, here’s a safe bet — it’s probably not the guy with the RIFLE.

Superman has drilled a new reservoir pipeline thingy and switches to Clark, hears his picture get taken, switches back to Superman, and races out. Now, at this point, he KNOWS someone has just taken his picture, and for a guy that can travel at the speed of light, grab the camera and destroy the evidence, he lets Lois yammer on, and watches her place the camera in the lead box around her waist. Smooth.

So <> occurs and Lois has a car accident and bumps her head. Guy she hits claims to be a doctor (suuureee he is, all the serial killers say that) and wants to X-RAY her head — because you know, in any insurance claim, you want the doctor YOU HIT evaluating your medical condition. Saves a bundle in legal fees and court time. For him.

So the doctor — we now know he’s a doctor because he puts on his stereotypical head mirror thingy. Extensive research (Wikipedia) informs us that a head mirror is (or was) mostly used for examination of the ear, nose & throat — exactly what Lois ISN’T complaining about, but we have no other way of proving this guy is a doctor.

Anyway, he takes the X-rays, and … wait for it … they show that Lois received a shock that, “… temporarily causes a personality change that’s bound to affect her in some abnormal way.” WOW, that’s damned impressive for 1963 and an X-RAY that pretty much looks like a cartoon skull. I mean, MRIs and detailed computer brain scans in 2011 don’t reveal the brain’s secrets, but Dr. Light here got that diagnosis from an X-Ray that looks like a Halloween decoration. He’s ahead of his time!

Except of course, he missed the little things — like getting Lois’ name. What, they didn’t switch insurance cards or anything? The nurse didn’t ask?

But the personality change has taken place, and Lois has become a “ruthless female.” Redundant, your honor. Move to strike.

So, when confronted, does Superman: say, “Hey, Lois, I’ve saved your life about, oh, I dunno, seven trillion gazillion times, and my secret identity is the only way I can be myself and have a private life, so don’t develop the film, because if you do, the next time your helicopter crashes into the roof of the Daily Planet or your sitting on a hydrogen bomb in Paris, I’m going to choose that time to vacation on the moon, capiche?” Nope, he does, as Lieutenant Worf says, “beg like a human.”

And Lois will destroy the picture only if Superman marries her the next day. Ah, true love, and a marriage based on trust. Nice. - Robert

Whee!  Isn't this awesome?  And then there's the issue of grounds for annulment five minutes after the ceremony because Superman was coerced into entering the legal contract of marriage, not to mention the extreme likelihood that Clark will teach himself the concept of wife-beating if they don't get an annulment, but whatevs.  Great work, Robert!  We'll pick it up again on Monday! - adam

Dear Wo Fong, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar Friday!

Okay, let's take a Superham break and look at the Batgirl story from Detective Comics #482.  The year was 1979, and believe it or don't, you could get sixty-eight pages for one dollar on some titles.  Yup.

Not that they were sixty-eight pages of top-notch storytelling.  Hey, it was less than two cents a page, so you weren't complaining back then.

Anyway, I bought this off the wire rack at a convenience store and the Batman, Batgirl and Robin stories were all continued from the previous issue.  But this looked like your standard, "The Protagonist Travels Someplace in His/Her Civilian Identity and Even Though They Have to Put on the Costume, No One Puts Two and Two Together" plots.  Thusly:

Now, this struck me as funny, because here is the basis for this accusation:

They found Batgirl's costume.  Of course, there is a redheaded American standing right there, but I guess Wo Fong thought that was a bit too obvious.  Silly Wo Fong.... never assume anything is too obvious in comics.  It will only end in frustrated tears.

So, Wo Fong wants to learn about how to create American super-heroes.  Now, one would think that Wo Fong would want to know how to create a Superman or a Metamorpho or something similarly badass.

And one would be wrong.

.

Can you believe it?  He wants to know how to create another Batgirl?  Not to slam on Babs, but she's not exactly the varsity squad of the super-hero community.  Unless you know you're going to be able to ask questions all day and all night, you might want to see if you can get the goods on someone a little higher up the evolutionary ladder.  Like Zeep, the Human Sponge.

And, as you can see, Batgirl appears and no one figures out that it's Barbara.

This is the kind of thing we overlooked when comics were cheap.

Besides, that issue began with Batman fighting a gorilla:

Bitchin!

See you Monday!

Let's Try it Again Thursday!

Well, Dear Ones, for reasons I don't really know, the Lois Lane panels didn't get bigger, so I'll work on that and re-post it at another time, because Robert Gillis's commentary on it is hilarious, and I don't want you to miss out.

Instead, let's take a behind-the-scenes look at how we come up with some of the CMNS magic, shall we?  I think that one of the most beloved and will-be-sorely-missed features of our little funhouse is Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

So, you say to yourself, "What could there possibly be to that?  Isn't Adam just some moron who reads something from the perspective of a thirteen year-old and writes something like 'That's what she said'?"

Well, yeah.  But there's a process.


Consider:

Yes, that is some mighty good stuff.  And we could stop right there.

But should we?

If you're going to take over for me as one of the least-respected bloggers on the web, you've got to know where that line is between "Okay, I'll admit that's funny," and "Well, now you're just being stupid."

Consider again:

Yeah, right in the zone.  It's cheating to take artwork out of context, but when you have that kind of payoff.... well, you knew what you were in for when you came here.  Look at that: "Superboy's Sister," the "meat coming up," how "wonderful it is having Superboy for a brother."  Yeah, that just get's more and more perverse as you take in all the details, but it's still funny. See?  There's a line.

So, I can only hope you, my treasured reader, can appreciate how incredibly hard I've worked over the years, turning pages until my fingers bled, reading terrible comics until my eyes hurt.

Well, okay.  I didn't actually find this one.  David from Confessions of a Superman Fan found it.  But you get the idea.  Love me!  LOVE ME FOR WHAT LITTLE TIME WE HAVE LEFT!

And thanks, David!

See you tomorrow!

In the Days Before Cell Phones We Contacted People by Jumping Off Cliffs Wednesday!

Kids, we're going to let contributing pal Robert Gillis take the helm not only with his pics, but with his commentary, because it's just that awesome.

From Lois Lane #40:

Next up — while admittedly a dream sequence, Lois has been transformed into an old hag because she messed around with an aging formula. 

She goes back to HER apartment, you know, where LOIS pays the rent. Lucy comes home from abroad, and is her first concern for her only sibling, who has aged 80 years overnight? Nope — Lucy can’t tell her boyfriends (plural, not Jimmy) that Lois is her sister because they’ll think LUCY is OLD! So Lois will have to leave. Lois caves and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” And goes out into the cold rain to basically freeze to death.What Lois should have said: “Listen, jerk, I’m kinda in a bad situation, having aged 80 years in a day and all, and I pay the rent here, so if you can’t rustle up a molecule of compassion for me, how about YOU get the hell out?” Would’ve paid real money to see that.

Next up is how NOT to fly a plane, from Lois Lane #34. Lana Lang has just got her pilot license YESTERDAY. And she and Lois are taking off without parachutes!

What could possibly go wrong?

How about a mid-air collision with a commercial airliner? As Lois and Lana plunge to their (we can only hope) deaths, Lana blame herself for the crash because, wait for it … She didn’t consult the control tower about the flight patterns of all incoming traffic! Don’t they teach that in flight school anymore?

Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously, No properly filed flight plan, no safety equipment, and she nearly takes down a commercial air liner! Does Lois consider all this while gravity is taking hold of the situation at 125 mph?

Nope, because Superman is on the scene! Whomever he rescues first will prove who he cares for more. And that’s MUCH more important than the jet liner in the death spiral, hurtling toward the busload of kittens and orphans.

So we have a commercial airliner that has, oh, I dunno, two hundred or so innocent people on board, (not to mention a pilot and co-pilot who follow the damn rules), possibly making an emergency landing into a gasoline factory or something.

Does Superman even MENTION that?

Nope, Superman acts like he’s blowing his nose to land Lana and Lois at the same moment.

Safe on the ground, does Lana “dumbest flight school graduate ever” Lang ask Superman to check the commercial air liner, or contact air traffic control, or promise never to be so reckless again? Does she offer to pay for the plane she disintegrated or ask of the debris raining down fiery death hurt anyone? Does Lois berate Lana for grievous stupidly? Nope — The wonder duo is left wondering who Superman prefers. Sheesh.

What would be awesome: The FAA arrives, takes away Lana’s pilot license, and arrests her for endangering lives and grievous stupidity.

Speaking of stupidity, we wrap up with a scene from Lois Lane #34: In this “imaginary story” (aren’t they all?) in which Lois marries Lex Luther, Lois is stalled on a seldom-traveled road and needs to file a story on time. So what does she do?:

SHE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF, assuming Superman will save her and fly her to the office. But alas, Superman has “fooled” her (In other words, he’s probably off stopping a nuclear disaster in a distant galaxy or something). So Lois goes splat for real and ends up with Dain Brammage. Yeah, she makes a full recovery, but c’mon, there’s brave, there’s reckless, and then just incredibly galactically stupid. Lois wasn’t in ANY danger, she would have just missed a filing deadline.

Robert, that was just awesome work. Does anyone not think Robert ought to take over this blog when I retire?  Come on, people!  Talk him into it!

See you tomorrow!

Kafloppos Tuesday!

I.....

.... don't get it.

I know they had a lot of pages to fill on a monthly basis, but what the heck was that?  It's from Action #102, so it's not like they weren't used to the grind by now.  I'm just not seeing the entertainment value here.  I mean, what editor saw this and said, "Oh, yeah.  That's going in the next issue of one of our best-selling comics!"?  

The Golden Age had some mighty low standards at times.  Perhaps they didn't know they were making Golden Age comics...

I'll see you tomorrow!

Welcome to Dude City Monday!

We've brushed on this story from Lois Lane #4 before, because it's that old comics plot device of indulging the delusions of a head trauma victim, lest you actually make it worse somehow.  I am not convinced this has any medical credence, but I don't care enough to research it.  Maybe if I hit my own head, I'll think I'm a psychiatrist and I'll be telling you people to respect my authority as an expert in the mental health field.  And you'll be all like, "Man, what are we supposed to do?  I guess we have to listen to him, because he thinks he's a psychiatrist, and a psychiatrist would know that sort of thing!"

I know.  I blow minds.  It's what I do.

Anyway, here's a place that has a dress code.  Because nothing says "vacation" like being told how you have to dress at all times:

Webster's defines "Dude" as being "a city dweller unfamiliar with life on the range."  So, if we want to come across as an authentic Western town, maybe we shouldn't name ourselves after people who have no clue in the West. 

Oh, but it gets worse:

WHOA!  What the heck is that?  This place has to be in Arizona.  It just has to be.  Only Arizona would allow total rubes to walk around with loaded firearms.

Consider Lois was just giving me her attitude about not saving me if I were in danger, I'm not sure I'd give a rip if she was about to steer her horse off a cliff.  I suppose that's why Clark was given super powers, and not me.

But seriously, Clark, let her fall.  It's the only way she'll learn.

Now, is this the same guy that flies into outer space and across the ocean and all that?  He seriously can't fly a little bit further to... oh, I don't know... some place where they actually have medical equipment?  Remember, this place gives people guns and expects you to wander around looking like Garth Brooks because it's "authentic."  Do you think for one second they have an MRI machine?

But don't worry!  The local sawbones is on top of everything!:

He can hear your thoughts.  I'll admit that's quite a trick.

But I'd still want an MRI.

See you tomorrow!