Dear Wo Fong, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar Friday!

Okay, let's take a Superham break and look at the Batgirl story from Detective Comics #482.  The year was 1979, and believe it or don't, you could get sixty-eight pages for one dollar on some titles.  Yup.

Not that they were sixty-eight pages of top-notch storytelling.  Hey, it was less than two cents a page, so you weren't complaining back then.

Anyway, I bought this off the wire rack at a convenience store and the Batman, Batgirl and Robin stories were all continued from the previous issue.  But this looked like your standard, "The Protagonist Travels Someplace in His/Her Civilian Identity and Even Though They Have to Put on the Costume, No One Puts Two and Two Together" plots.  Thusly:

Now, this struck me as funny, because here is the basis for this accusation:

They found Batgirl's costume.  Of course, there is a redheaded American standing right there, but I guess Wo Fong thought that was a bit too obvious.  Silly Wo Fong.... never assume anything is too obvious in comics.  It will only end in frustrated tears.

So, Wo Fong wants to learn about how to create American super-heroes.  Now, one would think that Wo Fong would want to know how to create a Superman or a Metamorpho or something similarly badass.

And one would be wrong.

.

Can you believe it?  He wants to know how to create another Batgirl?  Not to slam on Babs, but she's not exactly the varsity squad of the super-hero community.  Unless you know you're going to be able to ask questions all day and all night, you might want to see if you can get the goods on someone a little higher up the evolutionary ladder.  Like Zeep, the Human Sponge.

And, as you can see, Batgirl appears and no one figures out that it's Barbara.

This is the kind of thing we overlooked when comics were cheap.

Besides, that issue began with Batman fighting a gorilla:

Bitchin!

See you Monday!

Let's Try it Again Thursday!

Well, Dear Ones, for reasons I don't really know, the Lois Lane panels didn't get bigger, so I'll work on that and re-post it at another time, because Robert Gillis's commentary on it is hilarious, and I don't want you to miss out.

Instead, let's take a behind-the-scenes look at how we come up with some of the CMNS magic, shall we?  I think that one of the most beloved and will-be-sorely-missed features of our little funhouse is Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

So, you say to yourself, "What could there possibly be to that?  Isn't Adam just some moron who reads something from the perspective of a thirteen year-old and writes something like 'That's what she said'?"

Well, yeah.  But there's a process.


Consider:

Yes, that is some mighty good stuff.  And we could stop right there.

But should we?

If you're going to take over for me as one of the least-respected bloggers on the web, you've got to know where that line is between "Okay, I'll admit that's funny," and "Well, now you're just being stupid."

Consider again:

Yeah, right in the zone.  It's cheating to take artwork out of context, but when you have that kind of payoff.... well, you knew what you were in for when you came here.  Look at that: "Superboy's Sister," the "meat coming up," how "wonderful it is having Superboy for a brother."  Yeah, that just get's more and more perverse as you take in all the details, but it's still funny. See?  There's a line.

So, I can only hope you, my treasured reader, can appreciate how incredibly hard I've worked over the years, turning pages until my fingers bled, reading terrible comics until my eyes hurt.

Well, okay.  I didn't actually find this one.  David from Confessions of a Superman Fan found it.  But you get the idea.  Love me!  LOVE ME FOR WHAT LITTLE TIME WE HAVE LEFT!

And thanks, David!

See you tomorrow!

In the Days Before Cell Phones We Contacted People by Jumping Off Cliffs Wednesday!

Kids, we're going to let contributing pal Robert Gillis take the helm not only with his pics, but with his commentary, because it's just that awesome.

From Lois Lane #40:

Next up — while admittedly a dream sequence, Lois has been transformed into an old hag because she messed around with an aging formula. 

She goes back to HER apartment, you know, where LOIS pays the rent. Lucy comes home from abroad, and is her first concern for her only sibling, who has aged 80 years overnight? Nope — Lucy can’t tell her boyfriends (plural, not Jimmy) that Lois is her sister because they’ll think LUCY is OLD! So Lois will have to leave. Lois caves and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” And goes out into the cold rain to basically freeze to death.What Lois should have said: “Listen, jerk, I’m kinda in a bad situation, having aged 80 years in a day and all, and I pay the rent here, so if you can’t rustle up a molecule of compassion for me, how about YOU get the hell out?” Would’ve paid real money to see that.

Next up is how NOT to fly a plane, from Lois Lane #34. Lana Lang has just got her pilot license YESTERDAY. And she and Lois are taking off without parachutes!

What could possibly go wrong?

How about a mid-air collision with a commercial airliner? As Lois and Lana plunge to their (we can only hope) deaths, Lana blame herself for the crash because, wait for it … She didn’t consult the control tower about the flight patterns of all incoming traffic! Don’t they teach that in flight school anymore?

Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously, No properly filed flight plan, no safety equipment, and she nearly takes down a commercial air liner! Does Lois consider all this while gravity is taking hold of the situation at 125 mph?

Nope, because Superman is on the scene! Whomever he rescues first will prove who he cares for more. And that’s MUCH more important than the jet liner in the death spiral, hurtling toward the busload of kittens and orphans.

So we have a commercial airliner that has, oh, I dunno, two hundred or so innocent people on board, (not to mention a pilot and co-pilot who follow the damn rules), possibly making an emergency landing into a gasoline factory or something.

Does Superman even MENTION that?

Nope, Superman acts like he’s blowing his nose to land Lana and Lois at the same moment.

Safe on the ground, does Lana “dumbest flight school graduate ever” Lang ask Superman to check the commercial air liner, or contact air traffic control, or promise never to be so reckless again? Does she offer to pay for the plane she disintegrated or ask of the debris raining down fiery death hurt anyone? Does Lois berate Lana for grievous stupidly? Nope — The wonder duo is left wondering who Superman prefers. Sheesh.

What would be awesome: The FAA arrives, takes away Lana’s pilot license, and arrests her for endangering lives and grievous stupidity.

Speaking of stupidity, we wrap up with a scene from Lois Lane #34: In this “imaginary story” (aren’t they all?) in which Lois marries Lex Luther, Lois is stalled on a seldom-traveled road and needs to file a story on time. So what does she do?:

SHE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF, assuming Superman will save her and fly her to the office. But alas, Superman has “fooled” her (In other words, he’s probably off stopping a nuclear disaster in a distant galaxy or something). So Lois goes splat for real and ends up with Dain Brammage. Yeah, she makes a full recovery, but c’mon, there’s brave, there’s reckless, and then just incredibly galactically stupid. Lois wasn’t in ANY danger, she would have just missed a filing deadline.

Robert, that was just awesome work. Does anyone not think Robert ought to take over this blog when I retire?  Come on, people!  Talk him into it!

See you tomorrow!

Kafloppos Tuesday!

I.....

.... don't get it.

I know they had a lot of pages to fill on a monthly basis, but what the heck was that?  It's from Action #102, so it's not like they weren't used to the grind by now.  I'm just not seeing the entertainment value here.  I mean, what editor saw this and said, "Oh, yeah.  That's going in the next issue of one of our best-selling comics!"?  

The Golden Age had some mighty low standards at times.  Perhaps they didn't know they were making Golden Age comics...

I'll see you tomorrow!

Welcome to Dude City Monday!

We've brushed on this story from Lois Lane #4 before, because it's that old comics plot device of indulging the delusions of a head trauma victim, lest you actually make it worse somehow.  I am not convinced this has any medical credence, but I don't care enough to research it.  Maybe if I hit my own head, I'll think I'm a psychiatrist and I'll be telling you people to respect my authority as an expert in the mental health field.  And you'll be all like, "Man, what are we supposed to do?  I guess we have to listen to him, because he thinks he's a psychiatrist, and a psychiatrist would know that sort of thing!"

I know.  I blow minds.  It's what I do.

Anyway, here's a place that has a dress code.  Because nothing says "vacation" like being told how you have to dress at all times:

Webster's defines "Dude" as being "a city dweller unfamiliar with life on the range."  So, if we want to come across as an authentic Western town, maybe we shouldn't name ourselves after people who have no clue in the West. 

Oh, but it gets worse:

WHOA!  What the heck is that?  This place has to be in Arizona.  It just has to be.  Only Arizona would allow total rubes to walk around with loaded firearms.

Consider Lois was just giving me her attitude about not saving me if I were in danger, I'm not sure I'd give a rip if she was about to steer her horse off a cliff.  I suppose that's why Clark was given super powers, and not me.

But seriously, Clark, let her fall.  It's the only way she'll learn.

Now, is this the same guy that flies into outer space and across the ocean and all that?  He seriously can't fly a little bit further to... oh, I don't know... some place where they actually have medical equipment?  Remember, this place gives people guns and expects you to wander around looking like Garth Brooks because it's "authentic."  Do you think for one second they have an MRI machine?

But don't worry!  The local sawbones is on top of everything!:

He can hear your thoughts.  I'll admit that's quite a trick.

But I'd still want an MRI.

See you tomorrow!

One o' Them Dead Pan Alley Squawkers Murderin' a Solid Tune Friday!

In the spirit of yesterday's Jerry the Jitterbug gag, Yael sent us a rare and quite goofy piece.  I believe the series was actually called The Jitterbugs, but I've had a hard time finding info online.  See if you can figure out what anyone in this comic is saying:

This, kids, is why your stupid hip-hop lingo is never going to be accepted into mainstream English vernacular. Look no further to see how you're going to sound to your grandkids if you don't start learning to speak proper English now.

Thanks for the find, Yael!

See you Monday!

I Brought You a Present - A Bag of Garbage! Thursday!

In honor of yesterday's disturbing title, let's check out another one from Lois Lane #2:

I don't know what's going on in Superman's forbidden room, but I make it a personal policy to stay out of the home of anyone who has a "forbidden room."  I think you should do that as well.

Here's a Disappointing Moment in Comics (tm!):

The moment I realized that, despite the cover, Lady Cop would not be appearing in this issue of Detective Comics.

Seriously, folks, it isn't nice to tease.

Since I got a little flak about yesterday's post with Peg the Shrew and Unappreciated Dream Date Elmer, I thought I'd present the alternative:

Jed the Jitterbug....

And Jed had a date in nearly every strip.  He did much better with the ladies than Elmer.  This, apparently, is the boy who high school girls want.  Not a boy who will take care of you when you're sick... a boy who will hand you a bag of garbage before a date. 

Yael, you may fire when ready.

See you tomorrow!