My Name Implies I Have Enslaved Entire Planets, but That's Actually Misleading Tuesday!

Calendar Man may not have been a big hit with.... well, with anyone, but compared to Planet Master, he was Black Freakin' Adam. I give you Detective #296:


So, he runs around in an asbestos suit? I think this particular problem will solve itself if you give it a few years.

Check out this dialog exchange:


First, why is Batman asking this guy to stop what he's doing? That's not the voice of authority we've come to expect after almost 275 issues of Detective Comics there, Bruce. Punctuation counts, kids!

And second, I love how this guy just blurts out his m.o. the second Bats shows up. I'm basing all my attacks on planets! But don't you study up on planets, or you might be prepared! Especially since I'm doing my crimes in the order of planets distance from the sun:


Naturally, you'd think that the costume based on the planet Saturn would make him look stupid. Well, prepare to eat those words, Negative Nancy! In fact, let's skip the whole Jupiter nonsense and skip to the good stuff:


Okay, that not only looks stupid, but seems dang impractical. How do you eat with that thing on? Do you have to have a henchman throw chicken nuggets in your mouth or something?

So, what's the cause of all this? Well, it's a 1950's Batman story, so someone either got hit with a ray, hit on the head, exposed to radiation, or....


... ah, breathing in strange gases. The classics never die. I think the recurring theme is that in the 1950's, if you worked in a lab (or for that matter, had an occupation in a field involving almost any of the applied sciences), you were going to turn into a criminal against your will. Sooner or later, it would happen, so you might as well get to work on your costume designs now.

Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm!):


Yeah! That was a good one. Did you know Dan Didio, editor in chief of DC Comics, is refusing my friend request on Facebook? And he friends dang near everyone. I'm really not sure why, because more vocal of my support of modern DC Comics (and most Marvel titles, for that matter) I could not be. Oh, well. See if I send a virtual cow to his farm.

See you tomorrow!

Beware the Beam Coming Out of My Eye-Stalk Monday!

As we saw the cover to this issue in the last post, I presume everyone is wisely keeping their expectations low. Frankly, I would think that you should know to always have your expectations low if you've visited our little funnybook Mardis Gras more than once, but it never hurts to remind you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.

Okay, we know that Batman is going to be fighting some monster that an artist probably doodled on the back of a napkin somewhere. So, here it is:


Okay... there's no way the Comics Code is going to be offended by that, so we're off to a very acceptable start.


Random Ray Usage! (tm!) Always a classic!

Hey, you know what would make this even more awesome by six year-old boy standards? Using a time machine!


How do you suppose you get a time machine through customs? I suppose you could try and sneak it into the country, and then go back in time and try again if you failed.

So, we have a generic monster, Random Ray Usage (tm!), and time travel. You know what would make this comic really awesome?


Of course! Aliens! You knew that was coming, didn't you? Those SuperPro posts are starting to look pretty good in hindsight, aren't they?

I started reading comics in 1974, so I was right on the tail end of when comics were starting to become a little less embarrassing, but still hadn't broken the Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns sophistication level. This means it was very challenging for someone to write a PSA like this:


See? They rightfully assumed that if you were a comics reader, the only kid you could possibly make fun of is the kid who collected rocks. And back in the day, they were quite correct. Every comic book reader knew that even the kid who steered every topic of conversation into a discussion about dinosaurs was higher up on the food chain than you.

Oh, comics. I still believe my life with you has been a life well spent.

See you tomorrow!

Batman, the Antacid Avenger of Evil Friday!

Do my eyes deceive me, or is it an honest-to-goodness villain? Not an alien, a sea monster, or a mutated puffin?


Well, not a particularly good villain, judging by the looks of things, but we'll give it a go. Although it seems to me like if you're made of iron, changing Batman into calcium is really just grandstanding. It's not like you couldn't crush a flesh-and-blood human being if you were made of iron. Not that I've had the chance to test that theory, but I think it would be about as equal a match as putting Binky's brother Allergy against Colossus or Iron Man.

Anyway, like it seemed to happen all the time in the 50's, working in a lab meant there was a good chance you were going to mutate into something:


Science types have a hard time seeing the big picture. Before he changes into something else, why not ask him to get out of those gold clothes? They might still morph, but it would be worth a try. I can't help but think a solid gold suit would be worth trying to salvage.

Science types think they know everything, but they clearly don't.

Now, here's something even I would know is foolish if I were made out of sodium:


I'm pretty sure water dissolves salt, doesn't it? Why didn't The Element Man pull back a nub when he dipped his foot in the swimming pool?

And of course, Batman had to be afflicted with this condition as well. That always adds to the drama:


Well, screw my dreams of an America where we still follow Due Process! I'm sorry, but we think there's a good chance you'll do something if we don't take away your freedom, so into the pokey with you! And Bruce is okay with this. I guess if you're a vigilante operating outside the confines of the law yourself, you must figure this is just Karma kicking you squarely in the 'nads.

But the important thing is, we finally got back to crime. Sort of. I mean, the bad guy was under the influence of whatever was changing his elemental structure when he committed crimes, but that defense probably wouldn't keep him out of prison in Texas, so there's that. Anyway, the important thing is, we're starting to see a turn away from the "Weird Batman" era and...


Well, crap again.

I guess we'll try it again on Monday!

Back to Bat-Basics Thursday!

It seems that we're getting a break from the "Weird Batman" period with Detective Comics #291:


Oh, good. Some old school patrolling Gotham City. Perhaps they'll come upon a burglary, or help police stop a bank robbery.


Wait. What?


Okay, no one panic! It's probably just some time capsule that has mementos from the turn of the century!


It could just be a big snake! Maybe a big snake got in and was sleeping there or laying eggs or something! Snakes lay eggs, don't they?


Well, crap.

Let's try it again tomorrow!

Did I Mention He was a Robot? Because That's Very Important! Wednesday!

It's no secret that I loves me some B-list comic characters. Now that I've started dabbling in actually writing comic book scripts, I find I'd much rather write a story about Bluejay than Batman. The Justice League is always a good read, but I really got a bang out of Shadowpact.

So when I look at Showcase as a whole, I have a lot of fondness for it. It rebooted several old characters, which certainly revived the super-hero (tm of Marvel and DC!) genre. But what I really enjoy about Showcase is that you never knew what was coming next. Yes, you might have to suffer through a few issues of Rip Hunter: Timemaster to reach the good stuff. But there was always good stuff on the way.

Case in point: The Creeper.


The Creeper is one of those characters just brimming with potential that never quite gets there, but he is nonetheless a guaranteed sale for me whenever I see him make an appearance. It is because of this that I own the dreadful Timber Wolf mini-series.

The origin of the character has been shot straight to crap. I don't know what possesses writers to overly complicate the origins of characters, but nothing will ruin a character more quickly.

Seriously, how complicated is this? I give you:


Okay, reporter Jack Ryder needed a costume on the fly to get into a costume party. All the costume shop had left were bits and pieces, so he slapped something together:


Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? And it's kinda cool that for once, a hero didn't have the luxury of spending hours designing his look.

But, being a regular guy in a weird outfit completely untrained in hand-to-hand combat, things didn't go so well:


With a big gaping knife wound in his side, Jack finds Professor Yatz, who was kidnapped by the host of the party and being held for his newest discoveries:


Of course, in true Captain America fashion, the professor is killed and the secret of his nifty gadgets die with him. But now Jack has strength, agility, stamina, and a way to instantly change duds, which is dang convenient when you have a costume like the Creeper's:


See? Awesome. But since then, the origin has been changed twice, with one of them being that Jack and the Creeper are two different personalities and the Creeper is actually a demon from Hell. I really don't understand why writers insist on rewriting history. It's one thing if you're just adding details, like in The Killing Joke. But when someone tells you that a character you've read for twenty years is an alien (they actually did that with the Jack of Hearts) or a demon.... well, if you can't reconcile it with that character's history as written, then you are doing a disservice to that character's fan base.

But you know, they were able to bring all those origins of Hawkman together into something that kind of made sense, so I cling to hope that one day they'll get the Creeper right.

Meanwhile, check this out from Showcase #72, which was a Wild West-themed issue:


Now obviously, the Trigger Twins aren't talking about Dr. Victor Von Doom, the Fantastic Four villain. But wouldn't that have been positively bitchin' if they were? Walt Trigger, you shall suffer the wrath of Victor Von Doom.... after I take a week-long stagecoach ride to get there.

And here's a two-fer in the "Names We've Seen Elsewhere" Department - Johnny Thunder and Black Lightning (or "Black Lightnin'," as the case may be)


When I was younger, I ordered some Johnny Thunder comics thinking it was about the Justice Society member with the Thunderbolt. You can imagine my disappointment. But there you have it: Johnny Thunder, who wasn't the funny Johnny Thunder I enjoyed, rode a horse called "Black Lightning." If Tony Isabella wrote it, wouldn't a Johnny Thunder/Black Lightning title simply rock? Of course, you'd have to undo DC's valiant attempts over the years to completely ruin the character, but I digress.

Anyway, I asked Tony about this, and he said "What amazes me most is that no one at DC ever reminded me of this. Not even Bob Kanigher (who created the character) or Nelson Bridwell (who remembered everything). There was also a silent film about a horse named Black Lightning and I have a copy of the poster for that movie."

To be fair to everyone, the horse was often just called "Lightnin'," so it makes sense that it didn't leap to mind. Although if I were Bob Kanigher, I'd be wondering if Tony was developing a series about the horse I created. You never know what goes on behind the scenes.

By the way, there was also a terrible movie in 2008 called Black Lightning that had nothing to do with the super-hero or any horses. I'm still not sure how they avoided litigation, because I certainly had my hopes up for a second that there was a Black Lightning movie based on the DC Comics character.

Thanks once again to Tony Isabella for sharing some inside info with us!

See you tomorrow!

Could This Belt be the Reason My Whole Body is Tingling? Tuesday!

I've finally started the Blackest Night cross-over. It's been sitting in the pile for months and I finally just had to give myself license to read something recent. I've got to say that, as a reader who doesn't normally care for science fiction, I've enjoyed Blackest Night as well as the Green Lantern books ever since the Sinestro Corps.

That being said, I still generally hate science fiction, so the Batman stories of the 50's are particularly painful. I could stomach it if the stories were simply lame, but adding sci-fi to the mix is only making the experience worse. I could somewhat see why Superboy was dealing with alien ships crashing in Smallville every day and twice on Sundays, but to have that happen to Batman is really awkward.

Thus, I give you Detective #282:


Robin is only politely pretending to be impressed. This is easily the fifteenth alien he's met in the last six months.


Gosh, that energy beam is holding them prisoner! That's almost as good as the alien we saw yesterday who used a... I mean, WOW! Your technology is amazing!


Space travel is a long way off. If by "long way," you mean 15 years. See, if Batman wasn't inventing something, he figured no one else in the world was making any technological advances, either. It's not that he didn't have reason to assume this 99% of the time, but that was the kind of attitude Bruce has always had.


A Krajan Cave-Eel. Sure, we haven't used the Scarecrow or the Riddler in years, but why bother developing those characters when we could just bring in a Krajan Cave-Eel?

Sometimes, I find an interesting bit of history I never knew before. Take Detective #286:


Well, (A) I'm just glad to see some villain who didn't have to pierce the stratosphere to get here and (B) isn't it interesting that there was another Star-Man? The Starman series of the 90's, which was pretty good reading, prided itself on incorporating every character who used the Starman name at one time or another. This one, however, was overlooked. Maybe it was because of the hyphenated "Star-Man" as opposed to "Starman." See? This is what happens when you use a weird spelling of a name. Frankly, if you give a child a name with a weird spelling, I think Child Protective Services should take your baby from you. I don't think you should even be allowed to leave the hospital with it. That's right.

Hey! It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)


It's panels like this that enable me to say, with confidence, that I have the most bitchin' blog on the Internet. So top THAT, Pioneer Woman!

Did you know they're making a movie out of the Pioneer Woman's blog? It's funny, because the gimmick is that she was supposedly some big city girl who gave up the glamor to live on a ranch for love. Know where she was brought up? The town of Bartlesville, Oklahoma, the same as me. We went to high school together. Bartlesville is a decent-sized town, but I doubt that moving to a ranch in rural Oklahoma was a huge culture shock for Ree. It's not like she lived her formative years in Manhattan and spent summers at the Hamptons.

But if someone wanted to make a Comics Make No Sense movie, I'd be on board. But I'd also insist that, like Ree, Reese Witherspoon play me in the movie.

See you tomorrow! I'll be a'havin' some recipes I learned when I a'moved from the big city down to the farm, where I live the simple life of a cattle magnate's wife with my children and domestic staff! Y'all come back now! Y'hear!

Women are Unpredictable When it Comes to Roast Chicken Monday!

What I really don't understand about the Batman stories from the 50's is that he's always had a decent rogues gallery. It's not he didn't have plenty of foes that he could battle and easily stay within the Comics Code.

But for some reason, he seemed to prefer dealing with unfrozen cavemen:


Yup. It came to that. Detective #285 was Batman's legendary struggle against a caveman. I have decided it's almost mandatory you have a copy of this in your collection before you can call yourself a true Bat-Fan.

Why? Because you get to see Batwoman save the day with a roasted chicken:


I admit, I don't understand women all the time, and I grew up with three sisters and have been married 19 years. But I never second-guess anyone who wants to go get a roasted chicken.


Note that it wasn't the woman in the skin-tight outfit that interested him. It was the roasted chicken. I've reached that point in my life as well. You think it'll never happen to you, but it does.


I don't know that sleep pellets were necessary. If I ate a whole roasted chicken, I think the challenge would be keeping me awake.


Oh, Batman.... such a chauvinist pig, you are. A woman beat him! A woman! I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes! Well, I guess you got lucky, Batwoman! Now get back in the Bat-Kitchen and make us some sammitches!

Oh, my. See you tomorrow!