You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression Friday!

Detective Comics #259 gives us our first appearance of Calendar Man. Calendar Man, as you might imagine, isn't exactly the most fearsome foe Batman ever faced. I'm pretty sure Kite Man has cleaned his clock more than once.

I think part of the problem is in choice of wardrobe:


Wow. Just.... wow. You've got to respect a guy willing to wear a unitard with daisies on it, but still.

Calendar Man focused on the seasons in his first appearance. That was spring. Because he's all blooming and such.

As summer, he was a bit more dignified:




But just when you think he might be salvageable, here comes autumn:


You'd think it couldn't get any worse.

Yeah, you'd think.

And here is the winter ensemble:




To his credit, the fire and the ice gimmicks were later incorporated into two core members of the Flash's Rogues Gallery: Captain Cold and Heatwave, who were smart enough not to incorporate daises or a carrot nose into their costumes.

Even out of costume, Calendar Man was lame. Beware the Instant-Unwrapping Turban!


Oh, no! Not the Instant-Unwrapping Turban! Anything but the Instant-Unwrapping Turban!

I'm really not sure what sort of weapon that was supposed to be. I mean, it looks like it would just collapse into a pile of cloth bandages. It's not exactly a cobra. I realize it didn't take a lot to stymie the Golden Age Batman, but even that is pretty anemic.

And yes, Jeph Loeb once tried valiantly to salvage the character by having him be the one to unravel a serial killer's motives in Batman: The Long Halloween. But for the most part, he's been relegated to comic relief for the past 50 years.

I blame the daisies.

See you Monday!

Save the World from Excessive Gum Wrappers Thursday!

From Detective #242, where Robin is determined to usurp Aqualad as the most useless sidekick ever:


Robin! What did I tell you about unnecessarily expository dialogue??? Now we're screwed!

Just one question:


When did the Batcave get a fireplace? I haven't seen one before or since. Is this when Batman takes a break from solving crimes, props his feet up with a good book, a decanter of Hennessey Four-Star Brandy and makes s'mores? What's going on here?

Oh, Superman:


There was nothing else going on that day that you could chew all that gum, steal a bunch of bikes, and wait around for the kids to come back out? Frankly, I'm just happy that Billy and John aren't shooting each other or sharing needles.

Yes, society has worn me down. My expectations are that low.

See you tomorrow!

And This Time I Will Win! PAKKA PAKKA PAKKA Wednesday!

Thought I was finished with Superpro? Don't I wish! I'm a third of the way through the series, and it's terrible. And not terrible in a funny way. Just terrible in a sad, sad way.

Apparently, if you become a superhero with a theme like football, you are going to bring about bad guys who decide to go with the theme so you all can be like twins! What fun! SQUEEEEEEALLLLL!

Which gives a lame-o like Superpro terrible villains like Quick Kick:


Instant Replay:


And Sanction, who I presume only comes out when someone's urinalysis test shows positive for anabolic steroid use:


I suppose it's necessary to come up with all new bad guys when you have a protagonist like Superpro, because it's not like he's going to beat anyone who is already established. I'm pretty sure that even the Leap Frog can kick this guy's ass.

I'm starting to see that the problem with the very idea of Superpro (besides the obvious) is that it was clearly meant for comic readers who happened to be sports fans who wanted to see the two things shoved together like a hot dog wedged in ice cream. But comics fans, by and large, weren't going to spend money on this sort of thing when there were better books out there (and could be obtained simply by closing one's eyes and pulling something randomly off the rack). Meanwhile, sports fans were likely to think this was a patronizing character that embarrassed the image of their little game. And both groups were correct. That left Superpro with a target audience of grandparents who happened to see the silly thing on the rack and knew that Junior just loved football as well as five year-olds who hadn't yet read a real comic.

I can't believe this was written by the same guy who wrote Nomad. He reportedly did it for free NFL tickets, which just sounds like less of an incentive to write something from where I sit. I really don't care for sports. Beloved says that makes me a catch.

See you tomorrow!

Fun with Obscure Commercials Tuesday!

Hey! Anyone remember this?



So, who won? Well, Todd Tjersland was one of nine winners, but I don't know that his villain, a three-eyed horned demon, was ever actually published. Tjersland later became involved in making horror movies. Who were the other eight winners? I have no clue. Anyone? Anyone?

Actually, the winner was Post Cereals, who saw a 50% increase in sales during this promotion. One of many examples as to why catering to nerds is always a good idea.

These ads from the mid-80's for some toy store chain are all kinds of awesome.
Sorry the audio level varies... keep your hand on the volume control!








Weren't those great? Sure, they recycled some footage, but I loved the frantic pace and the animation quality. If they were making cartoons of that quality twenty years ago, why aren't cartoons today as well put-together?

Even this one for Superman peanut butter looks better than anything Warner Brothers has put out in the last twenty years:


Lex Luthor can create artificial intelligence, but he can't analyze peanut butter? And aren't there ingredients right on the label somewhere? I'm pretty sure the law requires that.

And, just for fun, here's a live-action push for some super-peanutty goodness:


It seems like Superman is kind of strong-arming the peanut butter sell there. I mean, are you going to say no to Superman's peanut butter if he's standing right there in front of you, perfectly capable of tossing your vehicle (with you and your loved ones right there inside) into the stratosphere? I think not.

Happy Independence Day!

It's a holiday weekend at work, so I'm going light today to try and catch up on material. Meanwhile, in keeping with the spirit of things, check out some fireworks, Gotham City-style!:


I, for one, love the jackass that turns around and laughs at Batman and Robin's embarrassing moment. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You've been publicly humiliated! That'll teach you to keep this city safe from crime!

See you tomorrow!

Only Female Robots Get Nicknames Friday!

Nothing will leave you more emotionally confused than reading Metal Men.

The Metal Men were kind of like Metamorpho only limited to the properties of the metal from which they were forged. Thusly:



Got it? Oh, and there was also Platinum (or "Tina"), who was forged of whatever metal makes you advocate women's suffrage:


Of course, that begged the question of why the good doctor made any of the Metal Men women if he was so sure that women were useless, but I digress.

Long-time readers of this here blog know Adam loves him a good death scene, but in their debut appearance in Showcase v1 #37, the entire team was taken out.

First to go was Tin:




Then Iron and Gold:




And then Mercury, Lead and Tina:







Did you ever build something with Legos or Tinker Toys or Lincoln Logs for the express purpose of knocking it over and reducing it back to a pile of little pieces? I'm getting that feeling here. On the one hand, these were very noble deaths and this was very unusual for a comic to take this direction back in the day. On the other hand, come on! Even the Suicide Squad never lost the entire team (although they came dang close that one time they teamed up with the Doom Patrol).

And we finish with a very unusual thing for a comic book character to say:


So, is the second guy telling Doc Magnus to write a letter? Because I really think he is, or this is just nonsensical to the point of creepy, like that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. You know the one I'm talking about. This one:



And besides, why wouldn't you bring the Metal Men back into being? Wouldn't you feel obliged to do so just as a sort of "Thanks for Saving Mankind" gesture? I would think that alone should be enough to put 'em back together if you can, Mr. Creepy Break-the-Fourth-Wall Man!

Personally, I like to read it as if he's telling Doc Magnus to write a letter to his own publishers, pleading for his continued existence. If you read it that way, it's hilarious!

Forgive me. It's been quite a week.

Was this truly the end of the Metal Men? Nope. They're still clanking around today, fifty years later. Not bad for something used as a filler issue for Showcase!

See you Monday!

A Rainbow of Dazzling Action Thursday!

I have made it abundantly clear that we are a gay friendly site here at CMNS, so it is with good-natured love that we take a look at the legendary Detective Comics #241:


I must dress in a different-colored costume every night, because while I am a grim avenger of evil, I can still look FABULOUUUUUS!


I'm not giving my reasons yet.... although the obvious reason is that I look FABULOUUUUUUUUS!


They make it too easy sometimes, my friends. Too easy.

Hey! It's time for Fun with Out-of-Context Dialogue!(tm!):


Whatever you've got in your pocket, that's where it stays. Unless you buy me dinner and let me order the lobster.


Notice he didn't vow to never use those costumes again.


See? I took the first page of the actual story and then I put it at the end, because that's where I think Robin's "Now wait a minute" pose needs to go. It reads much better that way, don't you think? I'm writing comics of my own now, you know.

Boy, if my old man had seen me reading this when I was growing up, he would have pooped watermelons.

See you tomorrow!