Preserving Evidence is not a Priority for Masked Vigilantes Friday!

I realize that many of my readers aren't hardcore comic geeks, so you may feel a little cheated out of Batman's very first appearance ever in Detective Comics #27. But since most of us nerds have read it a thousand times already, I thought I'd compromise and show a rarely-seen clip from Batman's second appearance ever, from Detective Comics #28:

He's Batman!

He's scary! Woooooooooooooo!


And he'll smack you good!

And he just might throw you out a window!


And then he'll.... um, waitasec:


um, Batman.... you can't coerce a confession out of someone that way.


I realize he's signing it, but that is totally inadmissible as evidence. Wasn't Bruce studying to be a police officer at one point in his life? I think he may have missed a class or two on Criminal Procedure. Although I can think of a couple of jurisdictions where this sort of thing might totally fly.


See you tomorrow!

For the Fruit Thursday!

So, I was following up on my conversation with Childhood Pal Scotty's daughter and her favorite members of the Legion of Super-Heroes. She advised me that she was no longer interested in Superboy (they grow fickle so quickly, don't they?), but she still liked Brainiac 5 because he built things and liked Saturn Girl because she could put people in a trance. CMNS regrets the error.

Meanwhile, Childhood Pal Scotty's son advised me that he had seen Superman on TV, read a Superman comic, and had dropped a dish, resulting in a boo-boo which was fixed by his mother who applied a Band-Aid. I tried to question him further, but he quickly grew bored with me and handed the phone back to his father while I was in mid-sentence. He'll grow to realize how awesome I am. You just watch.

You know what else is awesome? Detective Comics #27. You know why. For this Great Moment in Comics! (tm!):


Yeah! Feast your orbs on that little bit of awesomeness!

Oh, and I think the first appearance of Batman was in that issue as well. I was really distracted by the whole "enjoy my banana" thing and the many ways that could be construed.

The Crimson Avenger also showed up here as well. Like the Sandman, he didn't start out in tights. But unlike the Sandman, he apparently wore some kind of poncho:


I would think that from a battle-readiness perspective, this would cause all kinds of problems. But it was crimson, and I presume it kept his suit dry if he ever found himself without an umbrella.

And, like I said, I think Batman was somewhere in that issue as well. But I'm sure I easily found a reprint because of the banana conversation.

See you tomorrow!

A Little Something for the Ladies (and Some of the Dudes) Wednesday!

Today, we introduce two new categories in CMNS. The first is "Unfortunate 90's Artwork" (tm!):



Isn't that painful? Believe it or not, that kind of painful scribbling was considered quite hot back in the 1990's. Reading a 1990's Marvel comic was often like reading a ancient Sanskrit document through a piece of jagged glass. Whenever we get a little condescending about the product put out in the decades before and since, I think a quick look at the 1990's will keep us humble, don't you?

So, this is why I will suffer through moments like this from World's Finest:


I'm sure that covers are a tricky business, but Batman's reaction here (a) doesn't take place in the story and (b) gives me the polar opposite reaction to the sense of urgency they're trying to convey. Allow me to demonstrate:

Superman: Get back, Batman! I can't stop it!

Batman: Let it come, Superman! I'm the one it's after!

Superman: Seriously? Okay, you're the brains of this team!

Batman: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

See? That would have been a very short story, but with long ramifications in the DC Universe. Frankly, I don't think anyone would have seen that coming.

I know.... Still no job offers from Marvel or DC. What is their problem?

I want to emphasize that (a) I understand some girls read comics and (b) some gay guys read comics. And you all are welcome here and loved as a fellow comic book fan. But, my admiration and respect for you notwithstanding, I must call this next category "UDN" or "Unfortunate Dude Nudity" (tm! times two!).

First, we nearly see Superman's butt:


And I've got to say, I have no interest in seeing the Last Asscrack of Krypton. But again, if that's your bag, I've got nothing but love for you.

But then we almost see Batman's junk:


Was it absolutely necessary that we get this little peep show? Are there no robes in the Fortress of Solitude or the Batcave? Shouldn't Alfred or those Kryptonian robots have long addressed this issue?

And I have to say, this is yet another jerk move from a guy who clearly doesn't understand what it's like to have physical needs:


So, it was convenient to deprive everyone of oxygen so he could make the change? The guy can move faster than the eye can follow and create an earthquake by stamping his foot, and the best thing he could come up with was to suffocate the hostages?

I can't believe anyone likes Superman. I really don't get it.

Ah, well. See you tomorrow!

Tuff, Cool, Fab, Gear! Tuesday!

When the Golden Age Blue Beetle revival in 1964 was euthanized, it was replaced with the Ted Kord version, which was the earliest time in comic book history that the rebooted character was actually an improvement on the original. And it's not just me:


Which is also a record that our parents used ridiculous, mis-spelled slang just like kids today do, so I'll try to keep that in mind the next time some stupid young 'un says, "It literally killed me. You feel me?"

While the Golden Age Blue Beetle seemed like a knock-off of Superman, the Silver Age version was kind of a cross between the gadgetry of Batman and the swashbuckling lightheartedness of Daredevil. He was also drawn by Steve Ditko, who had just come off of drawing the early Spider-Man issues, and you can tell:



Because with Steve Ditko, you always get a bunch of henchmen getting the snot beaten out of them by the title character. There are pages just like that one in almost every Ditko-drawn issue of Spider-Man. Why? Because we like seeing a bunch of henchmen getting the snot beaten out of them. We still like it in our comics today, and most video games rely heavily on that formula.

Equally awesome was the character of The Question, who was also drawn by Steve Ditko. How do we know? Thusly:


These pages actually appeared in the same issue, yet two different stories, of Blue Beetle #1. Never let it be said that Ditko tried to slip one past you. You were going to read a few pages involving groups of henchmen getting pummeled, and you were going to sit there and like it. If not, they might have brought back the Golden Age Blue Beetle, and believe me, you didn't want that!

And, because they were too awesome to be contained, both characters have been unceremoniously killed in the last few years. But both the CMNS Character Hall of Fame and the Costume Hall of Fame welcome ye, Ted Kord Blue Beetle and Vic Sage Question.

See you tomorrow!

The Brief Life and Fortunate End of the Golden Age Blue Beetle Monday!

The bad news is, I went through the copies of the 1964 revival of the Golden-Age Blue Beetle and, since I went through the pain of reading them, I'm going to get a post out of them. This was the worst kind of bad. The kind of bad where you can't even laugh at it. Team America bad. U.S.1 bad. American Idol kind of bad.

The good news is, I only have enough material for one unfortunate post. After which, we can put this unpleasantness behind us.

The highlight of the run? Praying Mantis Man, of course!:


You can't stop Praying Mantis Man? In theory, why would you want to stop a character with as much promise as Praying Mantis Man?

But alas, even Praying Mantis Man can't save this mess. My favorite of the few issues I found is right here:


Got that? He's in his civilian ID, and he's protecting his secret by having the girl close her eyes.....


.... and then he just appears as the Blue Beetle, knowing that she won't see through that clever scheme. And she doesn't. Which is awesome. But you wouldn't believe what I had to read just to find that part.

And a few issues later, more giant insects and Praying Mantis Man!


Which, unfortunately, doesn't live up to the potential that an army of giant insects led by Praying Mantis Man kind of promises.

So, how do you defeat Praying Mantis Man? With bug spray, of course. You can't accuse the writers of Blue Beetle of over thinking things.


Now, it is worth noting that by the time Praying Mantis Man has his giant flying insect zapped out from under him, the remaining giant insects have been neutralized. So, Blue Beetle actually had all kinds of time he could have spent saving Praying Mantis Man, but he probably found out his character was going to be replaced with the awesome Ted Kord version and didn't see why he should bother.

Had it been me writing the comic, I would have created a Praying Mantis Woman to seduce Praying Mantis Man, who then would have eaten him alive at the end of their first date. It seems like a more natural conclusion to me. But not even Charleston Comics seems interested in having me write for them. It's a tragic waste of my talents, really.

See you tomorrow!

I'm Not Sure I Want to Live in an Atmosphere Provided by Superman Friday!

I realize that writers just assume Superman can do anything, but even Bob Haney presses his luck:


and I'm not even going to point out how the contents of Superman's bloated lungs would barely be enough to inflate one of those jumpy castles you see at school carnivals, much less to "provide a new atmosphere."

I'm your biggest fan, Bob Haney.... but don't you test me.

You know how I'm always saying that a classic suit always makes for a bitchin' costume?


Okay, I still stand by that, the above exhibit notwithstanding, because imagine how much worse the Vulture would look in tights.

And I think the headgear makes him look like "Sam the Eagle" from the Muppets:


You see it. Don't act like you don't see it.

Worst. Bonus gift. Ever.:


Seriously? I buy some salve, and you're going to give me a picture? And of course, now I have to hang the picture somewhere because you don't want to hurt the kid's feelings the next time he comes around to sell you something. And rest assured, he will come back around, because you are clearly an easy mark.

You say you aren't lucky in love? Well, you're reading comics, so it's a natural assumption on my part. Perhaps you need to learn how to write a thrilling love letter:


or, as we would call it these days, "sexting." Get ready for the restraining order, kids!

See you Monday!

It's a Torn, Ragged and Chewed Thursday!

I had an interesting conversation with Childhood Pal Scotty's daughter not too long ago. She's barely school age, but already knows the awesomeness of comics, which makes her a lot of fun to buy gifts for. Hopefully, her little bro will follow suit when he gets a bit older.

Anyhoo, she was telling me that her favorite characters in the Legion of Super-Heroes were Superboy, Braniac 5 and Saturn Girl. Now, Superboy I can understand, because the Legion stories are pretty much when Superman is his least annoying. But Braniac 5 and Saturn Girl? Considering their power consists of just sitting around and thinking, I admit I was surprised. She didn't really explain, nor should she have to. But seriously?

Then again, I'm not one to talk. It's no secret that I like many a B-List character, including the Ted Kord version of the Blue Beetle.

Not that the Golden Age BB didn't have his moments:


Just in case they weren't clear enough, that mummy isn't dead.

Here's a fun product advertised for children in Young Men #28.


I presume a hernia was a big problem in 1954. 700,000 men, women and children already using the product before I even send in my $3.95 sounds like it was a bigger problem than polio.

Here's something I can help you with:


I've never understood people who want to gain weight, but just follow me around for a few days, and Uncle Adam will have you covered.

Here's another product marketed at children from that same issue:


That's right, boys and girls! If you bite your nails, you are ugly and unsanitary! Ugly and unsanitary creatures, that's what you are!

Wow! They were hardcore in the 1950's.

See you tomorrow!