They'll Never Suspect this Insignificant Creature of Being the Blue Beetle!

Okay, so I'm up to the Golden Age Blue Beetle #31, and things have taken a really strange turn.

Well, ... before we get into that, there's this:

Uh - oh!  Joan's on the phone!  We know what that means!

Oh, Joan... Stay off the phone! (tm!)

Now back to the Beetle.  He's picked up a lot of weird gadgets and powers.

First, he seems to have picked up a liquid that shrinks you down to nonexistence:

And then we have this:

What?  Is the Blue Beetle from the planet Durla?

I'll wait while you Google that.

And the process is reversible, of course.  At will:

Yeah, I think I've heard enough too.  But we're not finished!

What?

And when you're finished wondering where the Blue Beetle got that power, let's ask ourselves why Joan, whether she got the instruction or not, develops the physical abilities right off the bat.  Just like that, the Blue Beetle turned her into the freakin' Taskmaster.

My head hurts.  Moving on.

See you tomorrow!

THOR! No, not THAT Thor...

 Checking out the Golden Age Blue Beetle #6, with my first sighting ever of "Dynamite" Thor: 

Complete with origin paragraph:

Wait a minute.  His real name is Peter Thor and he's calling himself "Dynamite" Thor?  I'm no expert in the secret identity game, but I think he could have put a little more effort into his code name.  "Bucky" was a terrible code name for Captain America's sidekick, but it was only a nickname.  Anyone with access to a phone directory could probably get a couple of leads on this guy.

And for some reason:

"Knowledge of explosives" constitutes the power of flight.  Well, of course it does.

What's with that chest emblem?  Are those a bunch of bananas?  That would actually make up for the short pants.

Hmmmm... if those little pellets can do that on impact, how does he keep them from jostling each other in that belt that he totally ripped off from Batman?  Did he end up blowing himself to Kingdom Come?  Because I would pay cash money to see that.

My what shield?  I'm pretty sure he's just making stuff up at this point.

A televizer?  Now I know he's just making stuff up and the other guy just doesn't want to come across as ignorant.

Hey!  It's photographic evidence of Kooba Cola!

And look at all the crap you can get with Kooba Cola bottle caps!

This guy was a genius.  Although it wasn't that "easy to save Kooba bottle caps" because they never existed.  But aside from that one little detail (well, that and the fact that I'm not saving bottle caps to get a "housecleaning kit"), I cannot figure out for the life of me why the scheme didn't work.

See you tomorrow!

Green Lantern, Yoga Enthusiast

Pretty exciting stuff about a Flash spin-off from Arrow, eh?  I remember the series from the '80s... heck, I have it on DVD and watched the whole thing a few years back!  I actually enjoyed it more when I watched it decades later from the original airing, so I've got high hopes.  Heck, if they're bringing in super-powered types to the Arrow universe, I'm all in favor!

Meanwhile, let's continue our look at Golden Age Green Lantern #4:

See these guys?

They sure look confused, don't they?  Know why?

Because someone drew Green Lantern's legs on backwards:

I'm sure some folks see it as an angle thing, which only means Alan is doing the backstroke, which makes even less sense.  Again, I am no artist, but this is perplexing, indeed!

Oh, geez.  It's Irene: 

Irene, don't help, don't help, don't help, DON'T HELP!

See?  What did I just say?

And now she just sits there, leaving poor Doiby with a concussion while she feels sorry for herself.

Shut up, Irene. (tm!) 

Later:

I want nothing to do with you, Alan!

But, Irene... you WORK for me!

Well, I'll still draw a paycheck, but it's going to be mighty chilly around here!

Shut up, Irene. (tm!)

Infuriatingly enough, Alan does give in to peer pressure and signs up.  I have no problem with people joining the military if they choose to, but I have big issues with Alan signing up just because Irene has put on her patriotic bitchypants.

Oh, and we've now decided that Alan's ring only works on metal.  So, rather than be effective against everything except one particular weakness, Green Lantern can now be defeated by a Q-Tip:

'

Yeah, wake me when everyone has decided to just go with the wood weakness, okay?  Preferably before Alan dies a completely preventable death?

Blarg.  Let's turn things around with a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!):

This has been a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

Before we wrap it up, can I share something that has been bothering me?

I've been a fan of the Beast since the mid-70s, but this looks like (a) he's either wearing a girdle or (b) he's sending the message that all things lead to his crotch or (c) both.  The X-Men costumes were really cool back in the Byrne era, then... I'm not sure exactly what happened, but things really took an unfortunate turn.

See you tomorrow!

All the News We Think You Need to Know!

So I'm reading my fourth "Press Guardian" story, and I'm more convinced than ever that they're just making things up as the go along.  We've already changed the main character's name and costume, so anything goes. 

For example:

So the girl he rescued from the Moroniabund figured out who the Press Guardian was... probably because he waltzed around without a mask in front of her last issue.  But who is Perry's valet?  Heck if I know, and I've been reading this from the beginning!

Well, it's not the greatest mystery.  His name is "The Press Guardian," and he only seems to be interested in things that directly affect his father's newspaper.  And he usually wears the same suit after he puts his mask on, and it's a really pronounced green color.  You don't exactly need a Rosetta Stone to figure this one out.

Anyway, on to more pressing questions, like...

How is he able to shrug off bullets?  That has yet to be explained and since they keep going back to that ability, they really need to explain it.  It's starting to grind my gears a bit.

And now, an off-screen death:

Well, that was quite an afterthought.  When and how did the leader of the graft ring kill himself?  It seems like a story centered on the art of journalism would be a bit more forthcoming in the details.  This must have been the predecessor of Fox News.  ZING!

See you tomorrow!