I Don't Know Why Being Unable to Lift a Weight Would Make You a Coward...

Hey!  Let's check out Superman at the Interplanetary Olympics:

Waitasec.... didn't we just see this?

Yes.  We did.  In Action Comics.  Superham did such a terrible job the first time, I'm surprised they invited him back.  The funny thing is, Supes had no recollection of being brought to a previous Interplanetary Olympics... and I'm guessing the creative staff at Action Comics was hoping the readership had forgotten this as well.  If you're going to recycle plot ideas, you should at least go to Superman's other title.

But this time around, there was animal cruelty.  How quickly can you beat up a captive creature?  Let's find out!:

As opposed as I am to the whole concept of smacking around animals and calling it a sporting event, I have to say that Superman really drew the easy match on this one.  A giant clam?  You can't handle a giant clam?

Enough of this.  Time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

And here's one from Action Comics #299 that I had totally missed, but it didn't escape the eagle-eyes of contributor Robert Gilles:

Oh, my.  HOW did I miss that?

See you tomorrow!

The Power of Hercules! No, Not THAT One! Not THAT One, Either!

Because I just can't seem to stay away, let's delve back into Action Comics with issue #267:

Solar power?  Well, you've got to give Lex props for keeping his evil schemes Earth-friendly.

This go 'round, he's escaping jail via a time ray.

Got that?  A time ray.

Which, as one might expect of a time ray, is pulling someone out of the past.  I'm not sure why that works just by shooting it through a picture, but no one has ever said I'm so brilliant I could go toe-to-toe with Superman, so I'll not get too into the specifics.

But did you see the caption?

This "history" book has a picture (and you never know in comics... it could be a photo for all I know) of Hercules.

Yeah.  That Hercules.

And I recognize that the mythological character of Hercules might have been based on a real person.

But I'm fairly confident that no real person could do this:

or this....

So, I'm pretty sure we're supposed to assume that the super-strong guy actually existed at one point.

And Lex gets points for using "Herc the Jerk."

Anyway, Hercules isn't fooled for long (he's apparently a bit quicker at figuring things out than the Marvel version we all know and love) but wants to experience modern life before he goes back to his time.

And we get to see that the Daily Planet must be really short-staffed:

What did Perry hire Hercules (in his civilian identity as Roger Something?) to do in a professional capacity?

Yes.  A professional photographer.  Perry didn't even ask to see a portfolio or anything.  I guess it was hard to find good help back in the day.

But before I totally give up, I'm given this:

And that gives me the strength to keep going.

Herc falls for Lois for some reason (I can't imagine why.  I don't understand why Popeye and Bluto used to beat each other up over Olive Oyl either, so maybe my tastes are just different).  But Lois rejected him because she's all "Team Superman."  And Herc, using the kind of logic that I guess makes sense if you're in the habit of solving all of your differences with physical combat, realizes that he can only match Supers in strength, while Supers has other awesome powers like super-burping.

So, he goes back to the Powers that Be and asks for an upgrade:

Did you notice that the Powers that Be have designated areas for sitting?  I guess Achilles ticked Jupiter off, because I don't any place for him to sit.

Anyhoo:

No one touched Herc with only their middle finger, which disappoints me.  That would have been hilarious.

So, Hercules basically just became a watered-down Captain Marvel.

And the story pretty much ended there.  It's a multi-parter!  Egad!  Multi-part stories stressed me out because we didn't have comic stores and if the wire rack at the grocery store didn't get or sold out of a particular issue, you were just left not knowing how the story ended.  It also drove me crazy if I missed the second part of an Adam West Batman two-parter because then I'd never know how Batman and Robin escaped!  It was emotionally draining being a comic nerd in the day, I tell you!

So, we'll have to see what happened when I get to it later.  Sorry, gang!  Tune in... well, just keep tuning in.  It's not like it costs you anything.

See you tomorrow!

For the Crime of... Being a Bear!

WOW!  It's great to be back online after days of technical issues.  It certainly gave me a chance to catch up on material, but it drives me bananas when I can't post something.

To soothe ourselves, let's read Speedy Wheeler Saves the Day and Wins a Bike:

Although, come to think of it, I'm not sure why we'd bother at this point.  I mean, we know what happens, don't we?  Speedy Wheeler saves the day and wins a bike.  Good for him, I suppose, but we kinda needed a spoiler alert there.

And now, another installment of Well..... Touche! (tm!):

Well.... Touche! (tm!)

This next bit involves such asinine behavior, I'm surprised it isn't Superman doing it.  Some bears have been set loose, and they're following a trail of molasses.  That's really all you need to know.

Now why was that necessary?  It reminds me of that line from The Simpsons: 

"Book him, Lou!"  

"On what charge, Chief?" 

 "On the charge of... being a bear."

You see what I mean?  Granted there have been many instances where heroes have had to get physical with animals, but I can't remember the last time it resulted in actual harm of an animal who didn't get aggressive first.  I mean, the Hulk killed a deer once, but he's not exactly a hero half the time.

Beaten up for being a bear, that's all.  For shame, Jay Garrick!

Good to be back!  See you Monday!

Superman Poisoned His Own Dog as a Child

Here's a dandy from Robert Gillis.  Robert and sPat give me some of my best stuff.  It helps to have a fresh set of eyes going over material, because I totally missed this when I was reading Adventure Comics years ago for this blog.

Robert indicated he found this in Superman Family #164, but I'm pretty sure this was originally printed in Adventure Comics #272.

The gist of it is that Krypto has become a movie star after appearing in three quickly-made movies and it went to his head.

Because he's a dog.  

I have a few dogs right now.  One has a lot of anxiety issues because it lost it's home and seems to be waiting for the day that its luck runs out and it finds itself back on the street.  One dog is a lovable, rotund fellow who has no facial expressions but will lean into you and audibly groan as you pet him.

Now, let me tell you about the poodle.

Alf, or "Poodle" as we tend to call him, is a great dog in many respects.  On the rare occasion that I've been ill, he insisted on laying next to me for hours and hours to protect me from predators.  He barks at any and all invaders, including helicopters.  Despite being ten pounds, he has successfully prevented any helicopters from landing in my back yard.  He is a plucky, wonderful little guy.

And he's something of a jerk.

He's never had a hard day in his life and thinks that things will always be just great because there's no reason to think otherwise.  That gives him gobs of confidence.

And that sometimes results in behavior that is rather unseemly.  He's been known to get a scolding for growling at other dogs from his perch on our laps.  He refuses to come in when called.  The dog has serious entitlement issues.

And I accept that, because he's a dog.

But not Superham Jr.  Oh, no.  His solution for his dog getting an attitude is to poison his dog:

That, my friends, is just abusive.  I try to run a very open blog with an "everyone is welcome" policy, but if you're a fan of Superham, I really don't want to know.  I can't believe I breezed over this one when I read it.

What a tool.

Thanks, Robert!  

See you tomorrow!

Superman is a Schmuck, Part 1798

And as we head into the weekend, let's check out more good times courtesy of contributor Robert Gillis!

From Action Comics #385.  Superman has many amazing powers, but apparently super common sense ain't one of 'em.  I mean, there's a sign right there.  I don't care how big of an emergency this is, there's a sign right there saying "NO TOUCHIES!"

And of course, Supes does whatever Supes wants to do.  Because Supes don't listen so well when it comes to receiving instructions, even those designed to keep you from hurting yourself.

Thusly:

And while I realize I'm harping on this, there was a sign right there saying not to use the time bubble.  Heck, Supes probably put the time bubble there himself!

See, people like Supes are very gracious as long as they're above the rules that the rest of us have to follow, and then they fall apart when they run across a rule they can't get around.  

Superman is such a tool.  I really don't know why anyone over the age of 6 likes the character.

And let's add animal cruelty to his list, courtesy of Jimmy Olsen #4:

Let's follow that logic.

Problem: Animal is hungry.

Solution: Animal should be in a zoo.

Time frame for solution: The next time these guys "visit town."

Not that it's the sturdiest of cages, but the idea is to leave the cat imprisoned without food until these guys get around to shipping him to the zoo?

FACEPALM!

What a maroon.  I always cheer for Lex Luthor.  Always.

Thanks again, Robert!  See you guys Monday!