Controls that WORK! As Opposed to...

Contributor Robert Gilles gives us another couple of head-scratchers, this time courtesy of  Archie Giant Series #181:

Yeah, Jughead, we can see that.  I can also see that you're laying back and reading a publication with images of your best friend.  What I'm not seeing is what you're doing with your right hand there.

Okay, if you're offended by that one, blame Robert.  And hey!  Here's a little something for the kids!

It fires rockets and torpedoes?  And this is for children?  As cool as I would consider it to be as a child, I have to admit... I don't see any reference in the ad that this thing is actually fake (you can engage in "imaginative play" about driving while sitting behind the steering wheel of a real car).  And if they're able to ship it around for 75 cents, I think the Department of Defense should be contracting with these people.  Right after the ATF asks them why they're selling weaponry to children.

Good ones, Robert!  Thanks!

Tomorrow, we look at the third issue of the Golden Age Blue Beetle.  And if the cover is any indication:

We can look forward to squirt gun fights!  Pew! Pew!

See you tomorrow!

Green Lantern, Yoga Enthusiast

Pretty exciting stuff about a Flash spin-off from Arrow, eh?  I remember the series from the '80s... heck, I have it on DVD and watched the whole thing a few years back!  I actually enjoyed it more when I watched it decades later from the original airing, so I've got high hopes.  Heck, if they're bringing in super-powered types to the Arrow universe, I'm all in favor!

Meanwhile, let's continue our look at Golden Age Green Lantern #4:

See these guys?

They sure look confused, don't they?  Know why?

Because someone drew Green Lantern's legs on backwards:

I'm sure some folks see it as an angle thing, which only means Alan is doing the backstroke, which makes even less sense.  Again, I am no artist, but this is perplexing, indeed!

Oh, geez.  It's Irene: 

Irene, don't help, don't help, don't help, DON'T HELP!

See?  What did I just say?

And now she just sits there, leaving poor Doiby with a concussion while she feels sorry for herself.

Shut up, Irene. (tm!) 

Later:

I want nothing to do with you, Alan!

But, Irene... you WORK for me!

Well, I'll still draw a paycheck, but it's going to be mighty chilly around here!

Shut up, Irene. (tm!)

Infuriatingly enough, Alan does give in to peer pressure and signs up.  I have no problem with people joining the military if they choose to, but I have big issues with Alan signing up just because Irene has put on her patriotic bitchypants.

Oh, and we've now decided that Alan's ring only works on metal.  So, rather than be effective against everything except one particular weakness, Green Lantern can now be defeated by a Q-Tip:

'

Yeah, wake me when everyone has decided to just go with the wood weakness, okay?  Preferably before Alan dies a completely preventable death?

Blarg.  Let's turn things around with a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!):

This has been a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

Before we wrap it up, can I share something that has been bothering me?

I've been a fan of the Beast since the mid-70s, but this looks like (a) he's either wearing a girdle or (b) he's sending the message that all things lead to his crotch or (c) both.  The X-Men costumes were really cool back in the Byrne era, then... I'm not sure exactly what happened, but things really took an unfortunate turn.

See you tomorrow!

Quit Pointing at My Silo and Laughing!

From Amazing Spider-Man #241:

Fortunately, although I had little money, the farm was listed for sale quite cheaply due in no small part to its very unfortunately-shaped silo...

From Amazing Spider-Man #243:

Pete's found his attractiveness to Felicia Hardy considerably diminished by her annoying habit of having images of Pete's ex-girlfriends fly from her head and make snarky comments at random intervals...

And finally, from Amazing Spider-Man #245, another installment of He Probably Should Have Seen that Coming! (tm!):

"Lefty" Donavan....

.... probably should have seen that coming.

See you tomorrow!

OOO AH OCK E O EH AH IH I-ER EH!

As I was saying a fond farewell to the Will O' The Wisp / Tarantula three-parter, I felt I had to touch on one thing that really bugged me.  This is from Amazing Spider-Man #235:

That's pretty articulate for a guy with no lips.  I mean, that mouth seems to be no more than a modified "beak" if you will, so how is he able to be understood?  Really, the line should have read "OOO AH OCK E O EH AH IH I-ER EH!"

Or words to that effect.

The next issue had a return of the Stilt Man, who I always kind of enjoyed. I didn't know he actually took on Thor once, but now I simply must track that issue down.

We're heading into the Hobgoblin storyline, but before we do, check this out:

Okay, that's Nate telling everyone what's wrong with the world today as old people are inclined to do without any encouragement from the rest of us.  People spend too much time thinking and not doing.  Got that?  Okay, next issue... 

Now, Nate encourages us to think and dream.  He's pretty inconsistent.  Maybe his remarkable, unexplained weight loss from one issue to the next has made him less grumpy.  

Enough of that.  WHEATCAKES!

Yes, as Pete reflects on his origin for the ba-millionth time, we are at least treated to yet another artist's rendition of Aunt May serving wheatcakes.  WHEATCAKES!

See you tomorrow!

A Valuable Lesson Learned on the Limitations of the Comic Book Medium as Presented by Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson

As we dust ourselves off from certain Mayan-predicted death and prepare ourselves for the new year, let us learn a little somethin' somethin'.

From Amazing Spider-Man #165, which taught us that light shows...

... are just not that impressive in comic-book form.  Maybe if I played Pink Floyd's The Wall at the same time I looked at these...

Car races, rock concerts, and now laser-light shows can be added to the short list of things that aren't made more awesome by comics.  It's a very short list.  Always assume comics will make things more awesome unless I tell you otherwise.  It's a good rule for getting through life.

See you tomorrow!

A Mess of Mulligatawny Worthy O' St. Patrick Himself!

Okay, so we're at the sixth issue of Pep Comics, and the Comet still hasn't cleared his name.  Everything was okay when he was just executing suspects left and right, but... you know.

Anyway, the Comet has come up with a new plot device mission:

Of course he has a plan: He puts on a civilian disguise.  I'm kind of surprised that his new sidekick Thelma didn't figure that one out on her own, but... you know, she's a woman and all.

Yes, those mobile plans can be difficult. They give you that free phone and then...

Oh, wait.  There were no mobile phones back then.

It turns out Mrs. O'Hara doesn't read things before she signs them, because.... well, she's a woman.

Really?  I'd like to think that if I were murdered, Beloved wouldn't be so quick to call it even for a financial windfall.  But... well, she's a woman.

Anyway, the Comet hires a crack legal team to establish contractual fraud  finds the guy and threatens him:

Oh, yeah.  Whatever he writes under the threat of death will totally hold up in court.  This will solve everything.

And, as a random aside, I think this officer has pooped his pants:

I mean, there's really only one reason to take that kind of stance if you're standing.  You know what I'm saying.  Don't act like you don't see it.

And Mrs. O'Hara is happy and stereotypically Irish:

Keep in mind, this is the guy who killed her husband, and no one knows that the Comet was hypnotized.  But now she's practically set up a room for him in her house.  I guess people just didn't hold a grudge for that sort of thing back in the day.

Ah, well.  See you tomorrow!

Visor-Lifty! Melty-Melty! Willy-Nilly! All in One Post!

And we're back!  Hope everyone had a great holiday!  Let's check out the Comet story from Pep Comics #3:

Okay, I have a question....

... does everyone just know who the Comet really is?  I ask this because at the beginning of the story, a cop addressed him by his real name.  And it wasn't some big-wig muckety-muck cop, either.  So I thought that maybe his identity was common knowledge by law enforcement.  But as you can see, he's an easy man to find by pretty much anyone with a phone book.  If it were me, I certainly wouldn't just live in a regular house if I were out beating up criminals.  That's why you have caves and your fortresses in the Arctic and such.  I mean, the Fantastic Four were pretty easy to find, but they had all kinds of security measures Reed Richards came up with.  It seems that someone is a little too confident in their abilities.

Especially for a guy who is helpless in a glass tube:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS LIPS???

I don't know whether the colorist thought suddenly the Comet had ingested Joker toxin or what, but that is really creepy.

And it didn't stop there:

Or there:

So, putting aside the "everyone in this story is wearing really bright lipstick for no discernable reason" issue, the Comet is hypnotized and no longer limits his homicidal rampages to bad guys.

And, as one might expect of a fellow name "Satan," he cheated his partner, who then returned the favor by siccing the still-hypnotized Comet on him:

That's a pretty pitiful death scene for someone named "Satan," but it is what it is.

Unfortunately, as he seems wont to do, the Comet left his shield up:

Visor-lifty, melty-melty... you get the idea.

The Comet then comes out of the spell for no reason in particular:

I don't think that if you're hypnotized to that level that the death of your hypnotist is going to just undo everything.  I'm just saying.  I mean, I know we couldn't have him flying around melting people willy-nilly indefinitely, but ...

Oh, and that was the last panel.  We have an actual cliffhanger!  I don't know if it's going to be an ongoing thing or if he's going to clear his name in the next issue, but that's kind of a rarity for your Golden Age stories.

See you tomorrow