Comics Make No Sense

Postscript

2011-04-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

Guys, thanks for the kindness in your comments. I hope to hear from all of you.

I couldn't resist sharing a happy moment. Remember this guy?

It appears the shelter kept him. Click here to adopt the most awesome dog in the world. I hope he gets a wonderful home, because he deserves it.

But this happy ending is rare. Please keep the pet population down, and microchip your beloved pets.

All the best,

Adam

... and So Long, Bob Haney... Wherever You Are. Friday!

2011-04-08T00:25:00.015-05:00

Sorry, Dear Ones, for the abrupt end of Comics Make No Sense. I truly tried to give scads of advance notice, but because of many technical factors, I'm afraid this is going to be the last post.

But we're not saying "goodbye" forever. We're just saying "so long, for now." If you'll go to and bookmark this happy place, you'll be able to keep up with writing projects and such from me. There's some life in me yet, and I've stories of my own to tell, so check in every so often.

We're wrapping it up, Seinfeld-style, with more visits than ever, and who'da thunk? For a silly little lark, this page easily was topping 75,000 hits annually. That ain't half bad for a blog with a rather limited concept. It's not easy to say "so long" to my most successful creative endeavor, but perhaps it's best that I'm forced to retire it before it turns into those last few seasons of M*A*S*H. Seriously, no one wants that. If you see BJ with the mustache in the opening credits, watch something else.

And I can thank CMNS for introducing me to my partner-in-crime Gabe Ostley, with whom I hope to slap together many, many funnybooks that you're gonna love. I'm also going to write an actual book or two. All of that will be found right here. Seriously, you might as well bookmark it because I'm going to link to it at least one more time.

So, I'd like to thank contributors sPat and Robert Gillis for bailing me out when I was running low on source material. And, of course, my Beloved deserves a special pat on the head for encouraging my funnybooking and blogging. I also want to thank Mike Sterling for the readership boost when I was first starting the blog. And, of course, a big thanks to everyone who kept checking in every day to see what silliness I had found. You made it a very rewarding project, and I can't thank you enough.

And, I'd like to thank this issue of Shazam!:

for introducing me to a hobby that has given me a lot of joy and delight for almost four decades now. This was the first comic book I ever read, and it's awesome. Cap has to save the town from getting engulfed in cherry gelatin and Sivana invents a machine that fast-forwards everyone through Christmas. With a first impression like that, how could I not become a lifelong fanboy?

I guess that's it. I don't have anything dramatic, other than my adoration for everyone, even you lurkers who never posted a comment. So, here's the finale from Six Feet Under:

One last time: Spay and neuter your pets and support your local Animal Shelter!

See you over at Chilly Villain Studios! Would the last person to leave please turn out the light?

With gratitude,

Adam Barnett

I Cook You Fine Meals and Show You Sights of Pampas Wednesday!

2011-04-07T00:53:00.000-05:00

The original Vigilante actually had quite a run back in the 40's. He never really got my attention, what with all his country-fried dialect and such. I mean, I grew up in Oklahoma, and I rarely heard people talk like he does. I also met some foreign exchange students in college who were sure Oklahoma was one big Native American reservation. And they weren't totally wrong, because the Tribes have nations and casinos all over the place, but that didn't mean we were all living in tee-pees. I also thought he was rather dry, with no real powers or gadgets to get my attention.

But he got interesting letters. I never would have appreciated that as a child:

I'll take "Invitations One Should Never Accept" for $200, Alex!

Seriously, how did he not think that was a love letter? I would be afraid Pedro would swipe my passport and make me "earn" it back, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Hey, you know what creeped me out? This:

Well, it certainly grabs your attention, doesn't it? I wasn't familiar with Kolynos, as it hasn't been easily found in the U.S. for years. But apparently, my Latin American readers should be able to pick up a tube. A little research tells me that it's very pleasant tasting and not only cleans your teeth, but gives 'em a polish as well. Granted, I'd be a little put off by the glaring "Injun" vomiting the toothpaste onto my brush, but he certainly has every right to be a little cheesed.

And it was mentioned in The Catcher in the Rye, so there's a certain awesomeness in that:

"Everybody was asleep or out or home for the week end, and it was very, very quiet and depressing in the corridor. There was this empty box of Kolynos toothpaste outside Leahy and Hoffman's door, and while I walked down towards the stairs, I kept giving it a boot with this sheep-lined slipper I had on."

So, incredibly racist marketing device aside, Kolynos has a rather interesting history. See? That's some smartifyin' stuff right there. That's two days running I've been all edutainmental on you.

See you tomorrow!

On Quiz Shows, Vulcans, and Plastic Guns that Hold Your Pencils Wednesday!

2011-04-06T00:33:00.003-05:00

Well, here's a little something I didn't know until today. I'm familiar with the quiz show, Truth or Consequences, insofar as I am aware there was a quiz show called Truth or Consequences. But I didn't realize how wacky it was:

Wouldn't you watch the heck out of a show like that? I'm surprised it went over on the radio, since actually seeing these things take place was probably a lot more fun. And, FYI, while the show debuted on NBC Radio in 1940, it would be on television 10 years later. And it would be the first daily game show that succeeded in syndication (as in, it did well after it left the network for twelve years). There was an attempt to revive the show in 1987 that completely slipped past me. It also marked the debut of Bob Barker in 1956, who would later go on to host The Price is Right and get into fistfights with Adam Sandler on Happy Gilmore.

And even more awesome is that the town of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, actually named itself after the show! Yup. For the tv show's tenth anniversary in 1950, Ralph Edwards there dared a town to name itself "Truth or Consequences," and Hot Springs, New Mexico, took the dare! Nifty stuff!

See? We learnt ourselves something today. Don't let people tell you this site is a total waste of time!

And in the spirit of that, check out Lois Lane's hat!:

Lois, that is quite the large purple chapeau you're working there. And you look a lot like a Vulcan.

Here's Kirstie Alley as a Vulcan:

She made it work. I always like Kirstie Alley.

Oh, and here's some social programming for you, circa 1948:

Girls carry purses, boys carry guns. That's how we roll.

And I'm not judging here. I don't know about you gals, but I would have been all over a pencil box shaped like a firearm. All. Over. It.

See you tomorrow!

You MUST Award Me Every Doctor's Degree You Have, Because I'm Superman! Tuesday!

2011-04-05T00:02:00.000-05:00

So, here's a little something I found in Lois Lane Annual #1. Again, I'm sure it's a reprint, but I have not idea at this point where the story came from.

But we all know how it began.....

Yup! Yet another head injury! That woman should just wear a helmet all the time. And I mean all the time. In the shower, at the office, reading the newspaper.... this woman needs to have her skull protected constantly. Law of Averages be danged, this woman is clearly going to have her bell rung if there's any bell-ringing to be done, so she should always be prepared.

Anyway, Lois dreams that Superman gives her a blood transfusion. I presume that she has some kind of blood fetish where this is the ultimate intimacy or something.

Well, of course giving someone your blood would give them the ability to do anything you can do. That's how DNA works. Anyone who knows the origin of the She-Hulk (which is exactly the same thing) knows that.

Although the She-Hulk's origin makes some weird kind of sense, since she was given irradiated blood. It seems like Lois would suffer a severe hemolytic reaction here. Good thing it's only a dream. What happens to Lois in her real life is much more rational.

So, what does Lois do? You know the answer! She does what anyone who finds themselves with a freaky ability does:

Her secret role as Power Girl! Isn't it fun to find an earlier occurrence of a modern character's name? And it didn't stop there...

Yup! Clark becomes Power-Man, which we all know is the super-hero name Luke Cage used before he remembered that (a) Luke Cage is an alias in and of itself (he was born Carl Lucas) and (b) Luke Cage is a much more badass name than Power Man.

And anyway, Lois dreams a bunch of stuff and then wakes up, so that story was a big waste of time. But in the next story, she has her legs crushed. So naturally, she became a mermaid:

That was actually a fairly common medical practice before plastic prosthetic devices became more popular in the latter quarter of the 20th Century. You don't see many mermaid descendants because no one could really figure out how to mate with one.

Hey! Did you know that Superman can perform surgeries? Of course he can!

So, let's get this straight: Instead of wearing a flashy costume and beating up losers like the Prankster and the Toyman, Superman could have spent the last 60 years or so performing life-saving operations? Is there anyone left who wonders why I don't like Superham? I didn't think so.

So, if Superman operates on you, your own powers of recuperation take on superhuman proportions? Because it seems to me like Lois should be in for a good six months of physical therapy, minimum. And frankly, Superham had to restore more than just Lois's legs and lungs, if you see where I'm going with this.... and I think you do.

Boy, those Lois Lane comics were pretty messed up, if you think about it.

See you tomorrow!

Irresponsible People SUCK Monday!

2011-04-04T00:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, everyone, I'm a little annoyed, so I'm going to go on my soapbox for a moment:

See this guy?:

I found him playing in traffic on the street in front of where I work. He had a collar that was on way too tight, but no tag. He also hadn't been micro-chipped. So, I had no way of getting him back to his owners.

LESSON NUMBER ONE: If you fail to tag or microchip your dog, your dog will not be returned to you, genius! Your dog cannot tell me where he lives. A microchip is only about thirty bucks, and if this dog had been given one, I would have taken him home instead of to the animal shelter.

So, because he was starving and in very real danger of getting run over, I took him to the animal shelter. On the way there, he lay his head in my lap, stopping only to lick my face at a traffic stop. Once I got there, I was greeted with a sign that said:

OUR DOG AND CAT ADOPTION PROGRAMS ARE FULL. IT IS LIKELY THAT YOUR ANIMAL WILL BE EUTHANIZED IMMEDIATELY.

So, this awesome dog, who trusted me and spent the twenty-minute drive over to the shelter loving on me and thanking me for being such a great pal, is most likely dead at this point. When I dropped him off, he clawed at the door and howled at me through the glass, so I get to carry the guilt of that around for... oh, I don't know, the rest of my life.

Why didn't I keep him? Because I'm already at the legal limit, and the city will prosecute me for animal hoarding if I go beyond it. Sooooo...

LESSON NUMBER TWO: Get your pet spayed or neutered. Having a littler of puppies or kittens to show your children the miracle of life is teaching them a horrible lesson. Even if you find homes for them, you are taking a potential home away from an unwanted animal. As long as there is even ONE animal at a shelter, you have no right to add to the overpopulation problem. None. NONE!!!

In short, people, earn your spot at the top of the food chain and show some responsibility. These animals are suffering and dying (in Tulsa, the report is that upwards of thirty.... yes THIRTY animals a day are being killed). If you are really an animal lover, love all animals and quit putting people like me through days like that.

Sorry... nothing funny today. I don't want anything to distract from this message. Be glad that I didn't show a video I was considering. We'll get back to it tomorrow.

The Day Job Caught Up with Me Friday!

2011-04-01T00:24:00.000-05:00

Sorry, my lovelies, but the day job caught up with me. I hope to have a new post on Monday. Meanwhile, here is Cyndi Lauper singing the theme to ElectraWoman and DynaGirl:

And really... what more do you need?

See you Monday!

But She's Such a PRETTY Thorn Thursday!

2011-03-31T00:20:00.003-05:00

Folks, DrunkDuck.com, who was hosting Snatcher Bodies, had some sort of major server problem and a bunch of stuff was wiped out. I may put it back up there at some point, but for now, just download it from DriveThruComics using the link in the right-hand column, okay?

Now, back to me making fun of the comics other people made.

Even when Action Comics lets me down for material, I can always count on Lois Lane's solo title for blogging material. Even the letters page in Lois Lane #5 gave me a chuckle:

Thomas Emory was the coolest kid back in the Silver Age. He tells it like it is, and we all need a friend who is willing and able to say, "Whoa there, Hoss! Simmer down!"

Of course, what does the editor say? "Eh, she's pretty, so leave her be!"

Hey! It's time for an installment of Lois Lane Head Injury Theater (tm!):

I'm not sure where this originally appeared, but I found it in Lois Lane Annual #1. Lois is in plane crash, and...

she falls from a tree and hits her head on a rock. All things considered, that's a pretty good deal for having been in a plane crash, but Lois has lost her memory. Which, as we all know by now, happens all the time to Lois Lane.

Normally, the idea is to patronize Lois less the realization that she's Lois Lane prove too traumatic. Which makes some sense, because how would you like to wake up one morning and suddenly remember that you're Lois Lane? Yup. It sounds pretty traumatic to me!

Anyway, instead of being patronized by people, Lois gets patronized by a bunch of leopards.

Yes, she's adopted by leopards. Which I hear is a common danger of head injuries: Amnesia and Becoming Queen of a Leopard Pack.

Of course, there can only be one solution to this situation. You guessed it:

Yup. If someone gets amnesia from falling out of a tree and landing on your head, the most widely accepted solution in the medical communities of virtually all industrialized nations is to wait until the patient climbs another tree and lands on her head again.

Oh, my. I bet it was fun to write Lois Lane comics. It's like there were no standards whatsoever.

Try not to hit your head and join any packs of wild animals, my lovelies! I'll see you tomorrow!

Domestic Relations Counselling - The COMICS Way! Wednesday!

2011-03-30T00:56:00.000-05:00

From Lois Lane #5, I give you... Answers to Rhetorical Questions, Relationship Edition (tm!):

The answer to this question, as anyone who has ever been married knows, is "NO! You cannot be silent without insulting your wife." Hear what I say, men!

It is never advisable to discount your wife's questions, no matter how silly they are. The correct answer is, "The only difference is that you are even more amazing now than you were yesterday."

No, no, no... the correct answer is clearly, "I wish I could chart your radiance, Lois, but it's impossible to measure!"

See, guys? Is this so hard?

Or, you can roll like Johnny here:

This is the best comic strip I think I've ever seen.

See you tomorrow!

You Can't Literally Scare Pounds Off of People and Superman Knows This and He is a Big Tool Tuesday!

2011-03-29T00:21:00.002-05:00

So, I was reading Action Comics #105...

I realize this is all in good fun, but doesn't that look just a bit painful for Kris Kringle? I mean, it's bad enough he can't squeeze down the chimney, but to have Superman grinding his fist into your belly certainly can't be very soothing.

Believe it or don't, this cover actually had something to do with the story inside. You see, we've got Mr. Rasper, who appears to have issues with holiday-related social norms:

You know, I just can't help but like the guy. He's such a schmuck that it kind of transcended being a jerk and made it to the other side where he's just so hateful I can't help but find it funny. Then again, I don't work for the guy. But neither does Cartwright. At least, not after that clear breach of company protocols on festive well-wishery.

Anyway, Rasper is a mean guy who slipped Santa a mickey and now Santa is too fat to go down chimneys. This led to all kinds of questionable positioning and dialogue. Which, of course, leads us to Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I have had this blog for nearly five years now, and I think that's one of the filthiest things we've ever "Fun with Out of Context Dialogued!" (tm!) So, score!

And here's another! (tm!):

And yes, these panels were right next to each other. We don't play around fast and loose with the truth here at CMNS.

Meanwhile, Superman is a jerk:

See what I mean? The man tortures Santa Effin' Claus, for crying out loud. I really don't understand why this character is so popular.

Uh-oh. Don't be careless!:

Well, it's hard to argue with that. Maybe he shouldn't have been so careless. Let this be a lesson to all of us not to be so careless.

See you tomorrow!

My Own Candy Factory? Why I'd be Stupid Not to Monday!

2011-03-28T00:19:00.002-05:00

Hey! It's a new, fun-filled week! And here's some good stuff from Action Comics #104:

I'll take "Invitations I Should Never Accept" for $100, Alex!

Heister Hess...

should have waited until the door fully closed before defiantly shouting out his plans.

Meanwhile, at the local newspaper....

the Sales Department learned that their "Cash or Punch Us in the Face" payment policy, while popular, failed to generate necessary revenues.

Oh, that was silly. But not as silly as this:

Candy Factory... or as they called it in my day, a "chemistry set."

And apparently, lollipops were considered "good for growing youngsters." Some day, they'll learn that Oreos cure gout. Just you watch.

Towns Made of Candy and Magic Polluting Shoes Friday!

2011-03-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

So, it's Action Comics #104, and we're just minding our own beeswax and...

Oh, look! It's Superman! Hi, Superman! It's always great to see you! Have you come to check out Candytown?

Hey, now! I don't think that's necessary!

Seriously, Superham, what is your problem? I really don't see why you have such a fan base.

I don't know how old those kids in the upper left are, but they look a little too old to be worrying about candy. I mean, they look like teenagers. Are they on a date, or something? If so, someone needs to do a Beanie Intervention on that boy, or he's getting no lovin' from Blondie. Not to mention the fact that he took her to a town made out of candy. Giving a girl candy on the first date runs the risk that you'll look like you're trying to hard. Taking her to an entire theme park made of candy? My boy there has no game. No game at all!

Eh, sell me some shoes:

If Thom there has some "Magic Bazooka Shoes" that enable him to run across treetops like he's in one of those Twilight movies, shouldn't that magic also do away with the "deadly exhaust"? You know, because they're magic and all? I kind of expect magic stuff to be more environmentally friendly.

Not that I care. I don't have any kids. Let the world choke on itself - just wait until after I'm gone (which, at this rate, should be a week from Thursday). Let your own kids figure out the exhaust problem in magic shoes. This is hardly my concern. And why do people who have children get tax deductions and effectively pay less taxes than those who don't? You breeders use a lot more in public resources than I do. If anything, I should get tax deductions. I'm not using public schools! Pay for your own dang kids. They bother me.

See you Monday!

My Cape has Flesh-Colored Highlights! Yeah, Let's Go with That! Thursday!

2011-03-24T00:14:00.000-05:00

Hey! First and foremost, check out the link on the right! Yup! Snatcher Bodies, the first of what promises to be the first of ~~many~~ ~~several~~ ~~a few~~ an indeterminate number of comics I'll be putting out (depending on how successful they are) is available in its entire 68 page glory as a free download at DriveThru Comics! So, show some love, get on over there, and leave a gushing review as to the awesome hijinks, won't you?

Go ahead. I'll wait here until you've read it.

Wasn't that awesome? Of course it was. And you're welcome. Wait until you read Hero Action Persons!

Now, onto today's festivities.

So, I was reading Detective Comics #487 and was checking out the Robin solo story. Here, we find Robin in a typical Robin-style quandry:

Okay, that's fine. No problem. Until this:

And then this:

Now, I had to read this a few times to figure out what the heck was being used as a dummy leg here. I mean, Batman teaches you to be resourceful and all, but I can't imagine anyone toting around a nine foot leg.

So, it finally occurs to me that Robin isn't wearing his cape in that last panel, so it must be his cape.

You know, his bright yellow cape.

His bright yellow, not even remotely the color of the flesh of any human being that has walked the Earth, now or ever.

Well, clearly the colorist is cheating and making Robin's cape flesh-colored for these two panels, which constitutes clear shenanigans. I realize that a bright yellow leg wouldn't have fooled anyone, so he probably felt obliged to fudge a little to make it more believable. But, seriously? That needs to go back to the artist to make changes, because there is no salvaging that with color swatches.

Oh, comics. I love you, yet you treat me this way.

But then I read something like this:

Ahhhh. Thanks, Action Comics #104!

I'll see you tomorrow!

Glub Blub Wednesday!

2011-03-23T00:44:00.000-05:00

And so, with a tear in our eye, we come to the final pages of Robert Gillis's look at Lois Lane #42. You may recall Robert wondering who would possibly marry Lois and Supes now that they were both teenagers and didn't live in the Ozarks. Who? Well, I'll let Robert answer that question:

A blind man, of course!

Superboy sees that the Justice of the Peace has a metal splinter in his skull, causing his blindness:

So Superboy rewires the radio to um, um, magnetically rip the piece of metal out of the guy’s skull. Um, harmlessly. Um, yeah. Um, you know, this is why you don’t wear any metal in an MRI. The metal would kind-sorta explode out of your head exactly like a bullet. I saw that episode of “House.” It was gruesome.

So the Justice of the Peace, winner of “Least dramatic response to getting your sight back, ever,” notes that he can see again, and then refuses to marry the kids, because everyone who works in the Smallville Municipal Court System knows these “March and April” romances seldom work.

And by the way, why was the blind guy surprised that Lois and Superman were kids? Certainly their voices changed as well? Sheesh.

12 year old Lois has another scheme! The young couple flies to the S.S. Andovia. She’ll get her old friend Captain Pushover, er, Hobson, to marry them.

Captain Hobson probably understands this kid is really Superman, considering they flew in and all, but he accepts the absurdity of the situation pretty quickly. “Hmmm… This is very irregular…”

“…But for old time’s sake, I’ll perform the ceremony, Lois!” Doesn’t he know these marriages between 12 year olds seldom work?

I love how the other crew members and officers are standing there, smiling like this wedding is a GOOD thing. Awww, two 12 year olds getting married by the captain. Isn’t this romantic?

Lois: “I’ve got to give myself credit for outwitting Superman for once.” Nice. Reveling in how you forced someone to marry you: Just the sort of thing a bride should be thinking of on her special day.

Golly, how will Supeman get out of this one? By causing waves to crash into the ship and nearly kill everyone!

Then, for good measure, he rocks the boat until everyone is sick!

And for people who are sea-sick, these people sure talk a lot. I’ve been sea-sick, and you don’t talk much, except to say, “Get the hell out of the way!” as you race to the side of the boat.

(I was seasick once, and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. If I didn't have reason to dislike Superham before, I certainly do now! - adam)

Lois and Superman are now TODDLERS, but the honorable Dudley Diggs, Esquire, takes the case and convinces a COURT JUDGE to sign the marriage license for… wait for it… wait for it… Two FOUR YEAR OLDS.

Doesn’t the judge know these “February and February” romances seldom work?

For the record, the wedding couple is registered at Babies R Us, Baby Gap, and the Pampers aisle at your local market.

How do you put a wedding like this together so quickly? Besides Perry, Lucy and Jimmy, who are all thee wedding guests? They’re all dressed up, tuxes and gowns, the church is full — WTH? And I LOVE Lucy’s comment, “It’s weird… But the marriage was ruled legal, and they’ll both be normal tomorrow, so we might as well just go ahead.” God, I love the Silver Age. These two are BABIES and people just shrug.

And of course, the ultimate irony, Lois can’t say her vows, because she has regressed to a baby and cannot speak. I can’t believe there isn’t a lawyer in the church saying this sort of thing happens all the time and have someone get power of attorney to speak for Lois.

So, the next day, the reset button has been pressed, and Dr. Light tracks Lois down and gives her some drug that cured her. Whatever.

Of course she destroyed the picture. Of course she wants to marry Superman fair and square. Of course everything is back to normal.

Thank God that’s the last time anything weird would happen in a Lois Lane comic! Um, except for the very next issue, when a short circuit in her electric typewriter sends Lois into a parallel universe. Really. First story in issue #43!

Wow, that was classic, and Robert's commentary rocked our worlds, didn't it? Well, don't get too spoiled, poppets, because I'll be back tomorrow with the usual lackluster posts. See you then!

Superman, You Sly Fox! Tuesday!

2011-03-22T00:12:00.000-05:00

I know not everyone agrees, but it really annoys me when people take images I've gone through some trouble to find and post 'em on their own site without giving me credit for the find. Know what I mean, fella?

Speaking of giving credit where it's due, back to Robert Gillis and his play-by-play of one of the most awesomely bad Silver Age stories ever. You may recall, Lois snapped a photo of Supes and he's too much of a gentleman to... oh, I don't know, take the camera from her and destroy it so he does the logical thing and agrees to marry her. Now, to Robert:

So, Superman, the mightiest super-hero in the known galactic multiverse, accepts defeat. He’ll marry Lois tomorrow. But first, they have to find a place to live! And where does every girl dream of living? Why, at the Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole! (Or as the story calls it, Arctic wastes).

Look at the romantic way Superman carries Lois to his fortress. That’s CAN’T be comfortable for Lois, Superman looks like he’s carrying her like a sack of laundry. Or a body.

Hmmm, Superman muses, I could dump her body here — no one would ever find it…

Lois sees the fortress is big and barny, but some drapes might help. Sheesh. And then she finds the McGuffin — the spray bottle of rejuvenation formula.

“So this is why Superman always looks so young and handsome,” Lois muses. No, the reason he looks that way is that SUPERMAN IS A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER!

And like every other Lois Lane story of this era, Lois tries the unknown thingy on herself. Doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know what the thing is — there isn’t an alien artifact, untested scientific device, ancient cursed object or completely unknown chemical that Lois won’t impulsively use on herself.

So, the magic spray not only made Lois a teenager but its “aura” shrunk her clothes? It might be supernatural, but even magic sprays obey the comics code authority.

Lois shouldn’t worry about this transformation — it’s actually pretty tame compared to other transformations. In 42 or so issues of “Lois Lane” she has transformed into an old hag and witch, a bald super-genius with a super-large head, a super-powered woman, a jungle woman, and also, a baby, and that’s just off the top of my head. Really — these were actual stories. So this is kind of an ordinary day for her.

How I love the silver age. ONE panel to explain Superman’s meeting with an EXTRATERRESTRIAL little green guy whose SPACESHIP was out of order. Superman’s reward? A MAGIC POTION created by the SPELL of a SORCERER. In 2011, that one panel would fill six months worth of modern comics. Who was the sorcerer? Who was the alien? How did he get stranded? How did Superman meet him and help him? How is it they both speak English? But in 1963, it’s just one panel, a throwaway line, “Oh, yeah, I got that magic fountain of youth spray from the spaceman I helped, he says a sorcerer created it. ” Y’know, a typical Tuesday for Superman.

Like all magic formulas and red Kryptonite and weird meteors, these effects last one day. Why does everything always last 24 hours?

“I order you to fly me back to Metropolis at once!” Gee, they aren’t even married yet and Lois is already bossing Superman around.

Superman, a grown man, takes jailbait, er, Lois, to the junior miss shop:

“What a sweet child! I’ll bet Superman found her in an orphanage and intends to marry Lois Lane so they can adopt her.”

Yep, lady, the ONLY possible answer.

Off to get a marriage license, where Superman is "tut-tutted":

The clerk chides Superman (who’s 29 years old in this continuity) that these “May-December” romances seldom work. Lois is more like “March” than “May” at the moment and let’s face it, even if you’re Superman, if you show up at the marriage license bureau with a 14 year old, the cops are going to want to have a chat with you.

Lois Exposition reminds Superman he is vulnerable to magic and sprays him with the fountain of youth stuff, and presto, now we’re reading a Superboy story. Superman is vulnerable to the spell of a magician. So Superman should avoid Criss Angel and David Copperfield?

And even if Superman, um, Superboy, is now the same age as Lois (14-15) who in the world is going to marry them legally? I mean, besides Larry Flynt?

Thanks again, Robert! We'll finish up this big heapin' helpin' of Silver Age weirdness tomorrow!

The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever Told Monday!

2011-03-21T00:00:00.001-05:00

Okay, we tried last week to give Robert Gillis's account of what may be the most ridonkulous Lois Lane story of all time, and I had to scrap it because the pics just weren't getting bigger. So, let's give it a go. I'll do this story three pages at a time because... yes, it's that awesome. Without further ado, I'll turn it over to Robert!:

While Silver Age comic book are always ripe for mocking, it’s rare that an entire story gets the detailed analysis (read: mocking) treatment. Welcome to July 1963, when Lois Lane #42 hit the stands. While most (if not all) of these early issues had Lois trying to get Superman to marry her (usually in some elaborate scheme), this particular epic, “The romance of Superbaby and Baby Lois” stretches even silver-age logic to the max, and as usual, snaps reality like a piece of taffy!

Speaking of reality, it should be noted that the lead story of the issue was Lois visiting Atlantis, and accidentally being sent back in time when a flashbulb scared some electric eels into activating a time belt (really) and Lois nearly destroys Atlantis (or at least had a hand in its sinking). The end story was Lois finding a real monkey’s paw that grants three wishes. But of course, 1960s comics were known for dealing with contemporary issues head on.

Um…

I love the opening panel. Superman (now a baby) can’t find any way out of this wedding. I’ll haphazard a guess on this one, Superman, as the way out is easy: YOU’RE A BABY! And so is your fiancé! And these baby romances never work — just look at Stewie Griffin and Olivia.

Lois is finally convinced Clark Kent isn’t Superman. Um, since when? The defining aspect of her character for decades was trying to prove Clark was Superman! And one of these “he-men” in the photos is supposedly Superman? Lois, here’s a safe bet — it’s probably not the guy with the RIFLE.

Superman has drilled a new reservoir pipeline thingy and switches to Clark, hears his picture get taken, switches back to Superman, and races out. Now, at this point, he KNOWS someone has just taken his picture, and for a guy that can travel at the speed of light, grab the camera and destroy the evidence, he lets Lois yammer on, and watches her place the camera in the lead box around her waist. Smooth.

So <> occurs and Lois has a car accident and bumps her head. Guy she hits claims to be a doctor (suuureee he is, all the serial killers say that) and wants to X-RAY her head — because you know, in any insurance claim, you want the doctor YOU HIT evaluating your medical condition. Saves a bundle in legal fees and court time. For him.

So the doctor — we now know he’s a doctor because he puts on his stereotypical head mirror thingy. Extensive research (Wikipedia) informs us that a head mirror is (or was) mostly used for examination of the ear, nose & throat — exactly what Lois ISN’T complaining about, but we have no other way of proving this guy is a doctor.

Anyway, he takes the X-rays, and … wait for it … they show that Lois received a shock that, “… temporarily causes a personality change that’s bound to affect her in some abnormal way.” WOW, that’s damned impressive for 1963 and an X-RAY that pretty much looks like a cartoon skull. I mean, MRIs and detailed computer brain scans in 2011 don’t reveal the brain’s secrets, but Dr. Light here got that diagnosis from an X-Ray that looks like a Halloween decoration. He’s ahead of his time!

Except of course, he missed the little things — like getting Lois’ name. What, they didn’t switch insurance cards or anything? The nurse didn’t ask?

But the personality change has taken place, and Lois has become a “ruthless female.” Redundant, your honor. Move to strike.

So, when confronted, does Superman: say, “Hey, Lois, I’ve saved your life about, oh, I dunno, seven trillion gazillion times, and my secret identity is the only way I can be myself and have a private life, so don’t develop the film, because if you do, the next time your helicopter crashes into the roof of the Daily Planet or your sitting on a hydrogen bomb in Paris, I’m going to choose that time to vacation on the moon, capiche?” Nope, he does, as Lieutenant Worf says, “beg like a human.”

And Lois will destroy the picture only if Superman marries her the next day. Ah, true love, and a marriage based on trust. Nice. - Robert

Whee! Isn't this awesome? And then there's the issue of grounds for annulment five minutes after the ceremony because Superman was coerced into entering the legal contract of marriage, not to mention the extreme likelihood that Clark will teach himself the concept of wife-beating if they don't get an annulment, but whatevs. Great work, Robert! We'll pick it up again on Monday! - adam

Dear Wo Fong, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar Friday!

2011-03-18T00:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, let's take a Superham break and look at the Batgirl story from Detective Comics #482. The year was 1979, and believe it or don't, you could get sixty-eight pages for one dollar on some titles. Yup.

Not that they were sixty-eight pages of top-notch storytelling. Hey, it was less than two cents a page, so you weren't complaining back then.

Anyway, I bought this off the wire rack at a convenience store and the Batman, Batgirl and Robin stories were all continued from the previous issue. But this looked like your standard, "The Protagonist Travels Someplace in His/Her Civilian Identity and Even Though They Have to Put on the Costume, No One Puts Two and Two Together" plots. Thusly:

Now, this struck me as funny, because here is the basis for this accusation:

They found Batgirl's costume. Of course, there is a redheaded American standing right there, but I guess Wo Fong thought that was a bit too obvious. Silly Wo Fong.... never assume anything is too obvious in comics. It will only end in frustrated tears.

So, Wo Fong wants to learn about how to create American super-heroes. Now, one would think that Wo Fong would want to know how to create a Superman or a Metamorpho or something similarly badass.

And one would be wrong.

Can you believe it? He wants to know how to create another Batgirl? Not to slam on Babs, but she's not exactly the varsity squad of the super-hero community. Unless you know you're going to be able to ask questions all day and all night, you might want to see if you can get the goods on someone a little higher up the evolutionary ladder. Like Zeep, the Human Sponge.

And, as you can see, Batgirl appears and no one figures out that it's Barbara.

This is the kind of thing we overlooked when comics were cheap.

Besides, that issue began with Batman fighting a gorilla:

Bitchin!

See you Monday!

Let's Try it Again Thursday!

2011-03-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

Well, Dear Ones, for reasons I don't really know, the Lois Lane panels didn't get bigger, so I'll work on that and re-post it at another time, because Robert Gillis's commentary on it is hilarious, and I don't want you to miss out.

Instead, let's take a behind-the-scenes look at how we come up with some of the CMNS magic, shall we? I think that one of the most beloved and will-be-sorely-missed features of our little funhouse is Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

So, you say to yourself, "What could there possibly be to that? Isn't Adam just some moron who reads something from the perspective of a thirteen year-old and writes something like 'That's what she said'?"

Well, yeah. But there's a process.

Consider:

Yes, that is some mighty good stuff. And we could stop right there.

But should we?

If you're going to take over for me as one of the least-respected bloggers on the web, you've got to know where that line is between "Okay, I'll admit that's funny," and "Well, now you're just being stupid."

Consider again:

Yeah, right in the zone. It's cheating to take artwork out of context, but when you have that kind of payoff.... well, you knew what you were in for when you came here. Look at that: "Superboy's Sister," the "meat coming up," how "wonderful it is having Superboy for a brother." Yeah, that just get's more and more perverse as you take in all the details, but it's still funny. See? There's a line.

So, I can only hope you, my treasured reader, can appreciate how incredibly hard I've worked over the years, turning pages until my fingers bled, reading terrible comics until my eyes hurt.

Well, okay. I didn't actually find this one. David from Confessions of a Superman Fan found it. But you get the idea. Love me! LOVE ME FOR WHAT LITTLE TIME WE HAVE LEFT!

And thanks, David!

See you tomorrow!

In the Days Before Cell Phones We Contacted People by Jumping Off Cliffs Wednesday!

2011-03-16T06:44:00.001-05:00

Kids, we're going to let contributing pal Robert Gillis take the helm not only with his pics, but with his commentary, because it's just that awesome.

From Lois Lane #40:

Next up — while admittedly a dream sequence, Lois has been transformed into an old hag because she messed around with an aging formula.

She goes back to HER apartment, you know, where LOIS pays the rent. Lucy comes home from abroad, and is her first concern for her only sibling, who has aged 80 years overnight? Nope — Lucy can’t tell her boyfriends (plural, not Jimmy) that Lois is her sister because they’ll think LUCY is OLD! So Lois will have to leave. Lois caves and says, “If that’s the way you want it.” And goes out into the cold rain to basically freeze to death.What Lois should have said: “Listen, jerk, I’m kinda in a bad situation, having aged 80 years in a day and all, and I pay the rent here, so if you can’t rustle up a molecule of compassion for me, how about YOU get the hell out?” Would’ve paid real money to see that.

Next up is how NOT to fly a plane, from Lois Lane #34. Lana Lang has just got her pilot license YESTERDAY. And she and Lois are taking off without parachutes!

What could possibly go wrong?

How about a mid-air collision with a commercial airliner? As Lois and Lana plunge to their (we can only hope) deaths, Lana blame herself for the crash because, wait for it … She didn’t consult the control tower about the flight patterns of all incoming traffic! Don’t they teach that in flight school anymore?

Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously, No properly filed flight plan, no safety equipment, and she nearly takes down a commercial air liner! Does Lois consider all this while gravity is taking hold of the situation at 125 mph?

Nope, because Superman is on the scene! Whomever he rescues first will prove who he cares for more. And that’s MUCH more important than the jet liner in the death spiral, hurtling toward the busload of kittens and orphans.

So we have a commercial airliner that has, oh, I dunno, two hundred or so innocent people on board, (not to mention a pilot and co-pilot who follow the damn rules), possibly making an emergency landing into a gasoline factory or something.

Does Superman even MENTION that?

Nope, Superman acts like he’s blowing his nose to land Lana and Lois at the same moment.

Safe on the ground, does Lana “dumbest flight school graduate ever” Lang ask Superman to check the commercial air liner, or contact air traffic control, or promise never to be so reckless again? Does she offer to pay for the plane she disintegrated or ask of the debris raining down fiery death hurt anyone? Does Lois berate Lana for grievous stupidly? Nope — The wonder duo is left wondering who Superman prefers. Sheesh.

What would be awesome: The FAA arrives, takes away Lana’s pilot license, and arrests her for endangering lives and grievous stupidity.

Speaking of stupidity, we wrap up with a scene from Lois Lane #34: In this “imaginary story” (aren’t they all?) in which Lois marries Lex Luther, Lois is stalled on a seldom-traveled road and needs to file a story on time. So what does she do?:

SHE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF, assuming Superman will save her and fly her to the office. But alas, Superman has “fooled” her (In other words, he’s probably off stopping a nuclear disaster in a distant galaxy or something). So Lois goes splat for real and ends up with Dain Brammage. Yeah, she makes a full recovery, but c’mon, there’s brave, there’s reckless, and then just incredibly galactically stupid. Lois wasn’t in ANY danger, she would have just missed a filing deadline.

Robert, that was just awesome work. Does anyone not think Robert ought to take over this blog when I retire? Come on, people! Talk him into it!

See you tomorrow!

Kafloppos Tuesday!

2011-03-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

I.....

.... don't get it.

I know they had a lot of pages to fill on a monthly basis, but what the heck was that? It's from Action #102, so it's not like they weren't used to the grind by now. I'm just not seeing the entertainment value here. I mean, what editor saw this and said, "Oh, yeah. That's going in the next issue of one of our best-selling comics!"?

The Golden Age had some mighty low standards at times. Perhaps they didn't know they were making Golden Age comics...

I'll see you tomorrow!

Welcome to Dude City Monday!

2011-03-14T00:48:00.001-05:00

We've brushed on this story from Lois Lane #4 before, because it's that old comics plot device of indulging the delusions of a head trauma victim, lest you actually make it worse somehow. I am not convinced this has any medical credence, but I don't care enough to research it. Maybe if I hit my own head, I'll think I'm a psychiatrist and I'll be telling you people to respect my authority as an expert in the mental health field. And you'll be all like, "Man, what are we supposed to do? I guess we have to listen to him, because he thinks he's a psychiatrist, and a psychiatrist would know that sort of thing!"

I know. I blow minds. It's what I do.

Anyway, here's a place that has a dress code. Because nothing says "vacation" like being told how you have to dress at all times:

Webster's defines "Dude" as being "a city dweller unfamiliar with life on the range." So, if we want to come across as an authentic Western town, maybe we shouldn't name ourselves after people who have no clue in the West.

Oh, but it gets worse:

WHOA! What the heck is that? This place has to be in Arizona. It just has to be. Only Arizona would allow total rubes to walk around with loaded firearms.

Consider Lois was just giving me her attitude about not saving me if I were in danger, I'm not sure I'd give a rip if she was about to steer her horse off a cliff. I suppose that's why Clark was given super powers, and not me.

But seriously, Clark, let her fall. It's the only way she'll learn.

Now, is this the same guy that flies into outer space and across the ocean and all that? He seriously can't fly a little bit further to... oh, I don't know... some place where they actually have medical equipment? Remember, this place gives people guns and expects you to wander around looking like Garth Brooks because it's "authentic." Do you think for one second they have an MRI machine?

But don't worry! The local sawbones is on top of everything!:

He can hear your thoughts. I'll admit that's quite a trick.

But I'd still want an MRI.

See you tomorrow!

One o' Them Dead Pan Alley Squawkers Murderin' a Solid Tune Friday!

2011-03-11T00:28:00.000-06:00

In the spirit of yesterday's Jerry the Jitterbug gag, Yael sent us a rare and quite goofy piece. I believe the series was actually called The Jitterbugs, but I've had a hard time finding info online. See if you can figure out what anyone in this comic is saying:

This, kids, is why your stupid hip-hop lingo is never going to be accepted into mainstream English vernacular. Look no further to see how you're going to sound to your grandkids if you don't start learning to speak proper English now.

Thanks for the find, Yael!

See you Monday!

I Brought You a Present - A Bag of Garbage! Thursday!

2011-03-10T00:23:00.009-06:00

In honor of yesterday's disturbing title, let's check out another one from Lois Lane #2:

I don't know what's going on in Superman's forbidden room, but I make it a personal policy to stay out of the home of anyone who has a "forbidden room." I think you should do that as well.

Here's a Disappointing Moment in Comics (tm!):

The moment I realized that, despite the cover, Lady Cop would not be appearing in this issue of Detective Comics.

Seriously, folks, it isn't nice to tease.

Since I got a little flak about yesterday's post with Peg the Shrew and Unappreciated Dream Date Elmer, I thought I'd present the alternative:

Jed the Jitterbug....

And Jed had a date in nearly every strip. He did much better with the ladies than Elmer. This, apparently, is the boy who high school girls want. Not a boy who will take care of you when you're sick... a boy who will hand you a bag of garbage before a date.

Yael, you may fire when ready.

See you tomorrow!

That Elmer - He's a Terrible Bore! Wednesday!

2011-03-09T00:43:00.000-06:00

Lois Lane....

.... does not appreciate your jeers and comments. Her title lasted longer than every Nova solo title combined, so she'd appreciate a little respect.

Meanwhile, let's check out this head-scratcher from Lois Lane #2:

I'm not trying to say women aren't techno-savy, but I find it's a lot more effective when I'm recording to use a recording device. What you have there, Lois, is what some big city folks called a record player. I know it has the word "record" in it, so it's kinda confusing, but try to remember the term "player."

A couple of issues later, they kind of figured that out:

Now you youngsters may not remember things like tape-recording, but before everything went all digity-wigity, that's what we had. However, you couldn't tell what was on a particular portion of the tape by just looking at it, which is obviously what Jimmy is doing here.

Keep at it, ladies! You'll get caught up!

Heh.

Let me tell you a little something about Peg:

Peg is going to spend her 20's and 30's lamenting that there aren't any nice, normal, thoughtful guys out there. During this period, Elmer will never cross her mind. If someone reminds her, she'll simply give a dismissive, "Oh, Elmer. Yeah, he was okay." Because that's how women roll.

Meanwhile, Elmer has been happily married for years, causing women around him (who knew a boy just like Elmer at one point in their own lives) to say, "All the good ones are taken."

Why? Because that's how women roll.

This has been a public service announcement from Comics Make No Sense, brought to you by Lois Lane, Godzilla, and the letter "Q."

See you tomorrow!

Working Girl Tuesday!

2011-03-08T00:47:00.000-06:00

A little fun from Lois Lane #4:

Oh, Lois. I realize that print media is dying, but to have it come to that...

I'm being silly, of course. But it's awesome that we get to begin a tale with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

For some reason, Lois has to take this job:

Not a pretzel-bender! The shame you have brought upon your family name!

Okay, this whole "concrete in the dough" thing seems a little harsh, but as usual, Clark is there to save Lois from a hostile world:

I must have put cement in the other machine! Crap! Did I just say that out loud, and in front of my boss? But you know what? No one noticed. Because this is a comic for girls, and that means everyone with a "Y" chromosome is therefore a moron. Because to girls, that's entertainment.

Enough of this! Let's end with more Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

I wouldn't say she did anything wrong per se...

See? When you announce your retirement, anything goes. You can say all kinds of stuff.

See you tomorrow!

The Love of Which We Cannot Speak Its Name Monday!

2011-03-07T00:13:00.001-06:00

Let's start off the week with Action Comics #81, or as I like to call it, Cavalcade of Disturbing Images:

Eeesh! Don't tell me! Please don't tell me!

Oh, my. Oh, my my my. I don't like where this is going.

Wha? Wait... surely this isn't

AAAAUUUGGGGHHHH! Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Okay, she's clearly taller than the full grown man she's addressing, so I'm not sure how he's reconciling that whole "little girl" thing in his head. This is just wrong. We'll pick it up again tomorrow!

...And Once They Started Talking, They Never Shut Up Friday!

2011-03-04T00:51:00.001-06:00

Pop quiz time!

What is historical about this cover?

It's easier than you think.

Give up?

It's the first Superman comic with dialog on the cover.

Yep, this seems to be one of the earlier examples of comic covers getting all chatty. Some folks like to have words on there, some (like me) don't. But regardless, it was four years in publication before Action comics started speaking up.

Let's flash back one issue earlier to the Zatarra the Magician story:

I've mentioned before that I have mixed feelings when the real world comes into comics. You are either stuck doing an illustrated documentary of the subject matter, or you end up looking delusional. This story was published around three years before Germany would surrender, but if you got your news from comics (as small children are want to do), the war was over in 1942. Yes, I realize it isn't journalism and I'm sure it was meant to be a morale-booster, but there's something about saying a problem is solved when it really isn't that (IMHO) does a disservice.

I'm probably over-thinking it, aren't I?

I can fix that.

You know what Superman doesn't have time for?

Jitter-bugging with large snakes.:

See? What did I just say?

I'll see you Monday!

I'd Sue You - - If I Was in a Suing Mood Today Thursday!

2011-03-03T00:35:00.000-06:00

Hey, let's go where the action is... Action Comics #46, that is!

(See what I did there?)

Do you see why I don't like the character? He's one of those guys like Captain America that will shout his own name and cheer himself when there's no one else around to do it. I've rooted for Lex Luthor for nearly 40 years now, and I'm not switching sides any time soon.

This is one of the funniest lines I've read recently:

I think we should all work that into conversation as quickly as possible.

I'm sorry, Mr. Barnett, but we're out of corn dogs.

I'd sue you... if I was in a suing mood today!

Well, sometimes that's all you can do.

I'd work a backwards somersault into my conversation some time today as well except I couldn't do a backwards somersault on my best day ever. I'm more of an "idea" guy.

Yeah, that's it... I'm an "idea" guy.

See you tomorrow!

My Golden Voice and Songs of Sage Wednesday!

2011-03-02T00:26:00.000-06:00

Having been raised in Smallville, Superman had difficulty with the big-city concept of "personal space."

Don't you love the expression on Jake's face? He's really not comfortable with where that conversation seems to be headed.

At closing time, even Lois has her appeal.

So, we're looking at Action #42, which had the original appearance of the Vigilante. No, not that one. No, not that one, either. Nope, think back further. Go way back. The guy with the cowboy hat. The guy who sang:

Yes, but is he a platter waddy whose records sold like sixty? You can never tell when someone is singing in comics if they're actually any good or not.

There was also an interesting turn in Mr. America, a character they just couldn't seem to get rid of. In this issue, they gave him a "magic carpet." Because when I think of America, we all think of magic carpets.

And believe it or not, that isn't the original Red Tornado (much to my disappointment). That is Fat Man, who became his sidekick. And yes, I'm sure some smarmy people are going to make comments about how a character named "Fat Man" is exactly what you think about when you think of America, so I'll just make that joke for you.

Other than the fact that he's supposed to look stupid, and I still think his costume is less embarrassing than that of Mr. America. I'm just saying.

See you tomorrow!

NOT a Dream! NOT a Hoax! NOT an Imaginary Story Tuesday!

2011-03-01T00:45:00.002-06:00

Dear Ones,

I'm going to cut to the punch-line and tell you that I will be retiring Comics Make No Sense when we hit our five year anniversary this November. I'm not saying it for drama's sake, but out of appreciation to you. I wanted to give everyone a chance to get used to the idea, enjoy one last round, have a last dance, and say a proper farewell.

Why? Well, the short answer is that when you reach the top of a mountain and you see another mountain that's even taller, sooner or later you're going to want to test yourself again. There are many other things I want to write. If I don't feel passionate about something, I don't think I have any business doing it. While CMNS has been my most successful writing project, I also feel like I have taken it as far as it can go. I have comics and books and such I want to write, and I feel compelled to give that a shot.

So, by making the announcement now, I have a chance for all of us, myself included, to get used to the idea. And knowing that there is a definite end in sight gives me a motivation to end on a strong note. So we're going to be talking about Superman in the coming months. A lot.

So, between now and November, let's have some laughs and say good-bye with a smile on our faces okay?

Man, did you catch that last line? See, back in the day, Superman wasn't afraid to murder a thief. That is a Superman I probably wouldn't make fun of so much.

Because, frankly, I'd be afraid to do so.

Hey! It's time for some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

Ah, to be young again.

Here's a bit of fun from Robert Gilles!

Those are some great tips, Doc. But where did you come from? I mean, we were just playing and then my pal gets hurt and you come running up like you were following us around or something.

Although these days, I'd put up with a pervert if he made house calls and didn't charge me half a grand for me to walk in the door of his office.

Another one from Robert. From the Golden Age, where women were women, and men were pigs:

That. Is. Hilarious. Wow. The stuff you could just come right out and say back in our grandparents' day. Awesome stuff there, Robert!

All right, everyone! Chins up! It's hard to say good-bye, but we're going to give ourselves a good send-off!

I'll see you tomorrow!

Pow Chk Thk Bump Monday!

2011-02-28T00:34:00.003-06:00

And now, from Detective Comics #453, I bring you...

Sound Effects Theater! (tm!):

This was actually a pretty good era for Detective. The Batman stories, despite the lack of costumed villains, were pretty good and stuck to the spirit of the "detective" aspect by requiring Bats to use his sleuthing skills.

The back-up stories were pretty decent, as well. Gone were the reprints, and instead we got stories from Hawkman, Green Arrow, Black Canary, the Atom, and of course...

It's in the bag! And by "bag," I mean the bag holding your testicles, which I am clearly crushing right now! Tell the underworld not to ef with Ralph Effin' Dibny!

Hey, did you know there was a Plastic Man pilot made for Cartoon Network? No? Well, here it is:

I would have watched the heck out of that show. You dropped the ball, Cartoon Network!

See you tomorrow!

A Spare Rod Friday!

2011-02-25T00:20:00.000-06:00

So I'm checking out Detective #444, which is the issue prior to my first Batman comic, ever. I'm not sure why my father picked it up, but I remember I was at the mobile home he used as an office (he owned a mobile home dealership at the time), and he brought it in. I presume it was to keep me out of his hair, and it worked. The only problem is, nearly 40 years later, is we can see that it worked too well.

Anyway, I was one issue past #444, so I missed out on the Kid Eternity reprint, which was probably just as well. I don't think I would have really understood the concept behind Kid Eternity at that age. Heck, I barely understand it now.

But anyway, here's some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) from that story:

Someone desperately needs a biology class.

Hey, if you want sophisticated humor, I have no idea what you're doing here.

It's been awhile since we've seen the Elongated Man stretch a new part of his body. I don't think we've seen this one. No, it's not that, but his heel:

Again, what kind of muscle control do you have in your heels? I love Ralph, but shenanigans!

Hey! This is awesome!:

I want one of these. And I don't mean "I wish I'd had one as a kid." I mean, I want one of these, in my house, the minute I get home.

I tried to see if I could find a commercial, but all I found was this dog named Duke playing with his squeaky toy:

.... and frankly, I'm happy with that. See you Monday, hepcats!

Clumsy Aspiring Journalists and One-Legged Gangsters Thursday!

2011-02-24T00:33:00.000-06:00

First, a moment of respect to Dwayne McDuffie, a great writer and, by all accounts, a great person. His contributions to the medium were many and he'll be missed by fanboys and fangirls everywhere. I'm sure I speak for us all as I offer our collective condolences to his loved ones.

I always enjoyed Robin solo stories, and I'm far from alone. Dick Grayson was a very likable guy, so he got solo stories in Star-Spangled Comics, Batman Family, and fairly regular back-up stories in Detective. Of course, it wasn't until Tim Drake took the mantle that Robin got his own full-blown solo title, and I like Tim as well.

Jason Todd, who was a big butt-head, justifiably never got many solo stories of which I'm aware.

Meanwhile, let's take a look at a Robin solo from Star-Spangled Comics #109:

I don't recall taking an aptitude test until I reached college. It said I was meant to be a Chaplain in the Armed Forces, and in many ways I think it was accurate. For many reasons, it's just as well I didn't follow it, but I can see why that would have been a great career option for me.

I envy people who have a calling. I'm still not sure what mine is, and I'm about to be put out to pasture any day now. I don't think I'm in the minority, though. I think most folks just make the best out of what jobs are around at the time.

You know what Mary shouldn't be around? Ink.:

Geez, Mary, if you can't take a test in high school without spilling ink everywhere, I don't know that you're going to endear yourself to potential editors. I'm just saying.

Hey, it's Peg-Leg Baxter!:

That.... is a mighty big diagram, and I'm not at all sure it's necessary, especially for a bad guy who they aren't even bothering Batman with.

Uh-oh. Meanwhile, Mary's screwed:

Well, if the standardized test says it, you should clearly abandon your lifelong dream. Because the school is going to send out those test results to every newspaper, quarterly, and even the fine folks at Grit to make sure no one accidentally hires this no-talent and gives her a chance to develop her skills. That's how they roll in the Gotham Educational System.

Hey! It's Peg-Leg Baxter! Again!:

I understand he's got a gimmick there, but it seems very unwieldy. I mean, the guy had two perfectly good hands with opposable thumbs. I didn't get it in Planet Terror, either:

I, for one, would be worried that I would step on a stone or something, unknowingly clog the barrel of the weapon, and then have the thing misfire and blow off my other leg. It could totally happen. Don't act like you don't see it.

Just for fun, here are some fans complaining about comics going up to fifty cents. The outrage!

Sputter! I'll not have it!

And they're complaining about the 100 page for fifty (later sixty) cents issues! I never thought I'd see the day when regular-sized comics would be a dollar, much less four bucks! Madness, I tells ya. I'm really not sure why anyone buys the individual comics when trade paperbacks are so much better and cost less. It's a preference thing, I suppose.

I'll see you tomorrow!

Booga-Booga! Wednesday!

2011-02-23T00:33:00.003-06:00

I'm not a huge fan of the Fantastic Four series, although I certainly enjoyed the Ultimate Fantastic Four for a while. I think the notion that they were adventurers rather than crime-fighters turned me off. Which got me to thinking: I really didn't like the Challengers of the Unknown, either, and it was probably for the same reason. When I got to thinking about it, I couldn't come up with any book or individual character whose focus was on exploration and adventure rather than the war on crime that I read with any regularity.

I think it's interesting the way comic preferences tell us about ourselves. Some people like "daytime" characters like Superman and Captain America. Me, I like "nighttime" characters like Batman and Daredevil.

Some folks like their stretchy guys to be brilliant scientists, like Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four. Me, I like my stretchy guys like this:

Yup. Give me Ralph and Plas any day. I'm sure that says something about me, but I don't know what. That was from Detective Comics #436, for those of you playing the Official CMNS Drinking Game! (tm!)

Speaking of getting to know people, I give you (from Detective #432) Ray Palmer and Jean Loring, circa 1973:

Wow, Ray. Maybe you should have read that horoscope. It probably said something like "Today is a good day to break up with your fiancée because she's going to murder Sue Dibny and Tim Drake's dad!"

Ah, young love. The homicidal urges we overlook.

Hey! It's time for some Fun with Out-of-Context Dialogue (tm!):

Well, that's a request I'd think twice about honoring, but there you go.

See you tomorrow!

You Want Some Persuading? I Think Yew Do! Tuesday!

2011-02-22T00:38:00.001-06:00

So, I'm taking a look at Detective #431, and I see this:

Well, I don't know about that. Someone who thinks they might get unjustly accused by a masked vigilante might do those things. I'm just saying.

Let's keep going. This guy is really no physical threat to Bats, agreed? Thusly:

Yeah, that's pretty lame. Not that I'd want a lawn sprinkler upside my head, but this guy isn't exactly Bullseye.

So, once he's sure he can pound this guy at leisure, look at what a colossal tool Bruce becomes:

You eyeballin' me, boy? You want some of this? I don't think I like yer face!

Yeah, I'm kind of throwing a Mississippi accent in there. You were doing it, too. Don't act like you weren't.

Now before you look at the next panel, please note that the guy has basically given up. He's not taking an aggressive stance, he's not threatening anyone - he knows he's going to have his face pounded into pudding if he doesn't cool it, so he just stands there.

And gets assaulted by Batman:

Um, Bruce? Fight was clearly over! He was unarmed and just standing there! Seriously, what is that?

I guess as long as you aren't using a gun, beating on someone is perfectly okay.

The Things Our Parents Did to Get Us Out of Their Hair for an Afternoon Friday!

2011-02-18T00:33:00.001-06:00

Dear Ones, it is President's Day on Monday, so I fear this will be the last post until Tuesday. No tears, now! No tears!

Meanwhile, here's something to keep you occupied while I'm gone:

Just when I think I must have seen every ad that has ever been in a comic (at least, from 1974 and on), I see something that I can guarantee you I wouldn't have forgotten.

So, let me get this straight: I chip away at something that has been unnecessarily encased in some kind of plaster, then I paint it. Then.... help me out here. Do I throw it away, or what? I mean, you could at least turn Shrinky-Dinks into keychains or something. I liked Shrinky-Dinks.

But the purpose of this eludes me. I suppose if it had given me little statutes of comic characters, I might have been a little more inclined to make room among all the other crap I kept in my room as a child. But a generic athlete? What's the point? To maintain a shrine to sports of which I sucked? Remember, folks, this ad was in a comic book, and we comic book readers have never been typically regarded as your "Organized Sports" types.

Maybe I would keep the animal ones. I had dogs as a kid, but every time one of them did anything remotely destructive, my father would unceremoniously get rid of it. I'd come home from school and be like, "Um... where's Sparky?" It was like living in a Hitchcock movie. Ah.... the fond memories of childhood. I always have at least three dogs in my home these days. Partially because I love them, and partially to spite my parents. It's a win-win.

The stuff today came from Detective #429 today. The same place I found this:

To be fair to Bruce, that is totally gross.

Oh, and I also saw this:

Isn't that guy's face the greatest drawing you've ever seen? He's totally saying "If it'll shut yer yapper for a night, fine. But you totally owe me one later."

Whee! I love comics.

See you Tuesday!

Vibrators and Spankings Thursday!

2011-02-17T00:42:00.001-06:00

What a day, what a day! Thank goodness for help from Friends of CMNS (tm!)

Here's a dandy Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) from World's Finest #104:

Now, having gone through World's Finest for months, I can only hang my head in shame that I somehow managed to miss that. Thanks to sPat for playing goalie!

And from Robert Gillis, more weirdness from Lois Lane, a publication that apparently had the weirdest readers ever!

Okay, make sure you read that second letter. Am I to understand we're voting as to whether Superman should spank Lois? I think it's a safe bet that the North Shore Superman Fan Club evolved into a completely different kind of club when everyone hit adulthood. Pervy kids. You don't really expect that back in the day, but there you have it.

Not that Lois was the picture of mental stability herself:

Ah, more hallucinations. They were audio this time, so she wasn't in as dire straights as poor Spider-Man. The fact that she's talking to a photograph doesn't really help, either.

Thanks for the assist, sPat and Robert! You are a credit to... whatever it is we do around here.

In Which We See a Surprisingly Mature Side of Adam Wednesday!

2011-02-16T00:43:00.000-06:00

Batman is a master of all forms of unarmed combat....

.... including, it would seem, the Random Bitch-Slap! (tm!)

YEAH! Thanks, Detective #422!

When in disguise, Batman must be on the lookout for any suspicious behavior, anything out of the ordinary. The slightest clue could lead to a life-or-death discovery...

A waitress handing me, a stranger, her personal bar of soap. Nothing suspicious here!

I admit that Justin Bieber has gotten slightly less annoying to me since I've seen him having fun on Saturday Night Live. And it appears he knows how to play quite a few instruments, so now my annoyance is simply how he is being marketed to seventh grade nymphomaniacs.

But then I came upon this....

and told myself, "This, too, shall pass." Every generation has one.

See you tomorrow!

Put THAT in Your Article Tuesday!

2011-02-15T00:03:00.001-06:00

I don't recall exactly where I had previously seen it, but Detective #417 had a plot centered on the notion that if you could prove yourself worthy, you could be "Batman for a Day." I think this had been done at least once before (many years prior), but that was the deal here: Basically, if you could make it a round or two in Batman's Personal Fight Club, that was (for some reason) grounds to let you impersonate him.

Of course, this scenario was not without its potential pitfalls. For starters, I would imagine the mortality rate for "winners" of this privilege would be pretty high, whether you got all Tyler Durden on Batman or not. There is also the problem that you might do something where, to borrow a phrase from the kids, you aren't "representin'." Thusly:

See? You got him so cheesed he started referring to himself in the third person. That is something Bats is usually way too cool to do.

And I hate to split hairs, but I'm pretty sure I've seen Bats use other weapons besides "The Decent Weapons of Outrage and Indignation." In fact, I'm pretty sure he has a whole arsenal of weapons on his belt and some heavy artillery in that cave of his. Outrage and indignation are fine for motivation, I suppose, but not much good when Killer Croc is about chew on the inside of your chest cavity.

Of course, Bats also uses psychological warfare, which is why he is (and I can't say this enough) so dang cool. But you've got to draw that sort of thing correctly, or it's just not gonna happen. Thusly:

Wow. Detective #414 was not the high point in an otherwise decent run of Silver Age goodness. I can't tell you exactly what's wrong here, because no one would ever accuse me of being an artist. But let's face it.... he looks like your uncle doing his best Bela Lugosi impression. Thusly:

See? See?

And while I'm on the subject of Ineffective Striking Terror into Criminal Hearts, let us visit the 1990's and the otherwise awesome Robin mini-series:

Seriously? I do appreciate that Batman is just kind of standing there behind him all "This needs a lot of work."

You know what else needs a lot of work? This girl's hands:

Well, she's screwed. It doesn't matter how beautiful your dress is if you're sporting a set of manos. BLAH, indeed! Girl has no game. No game at all!

Thanks for all your great input on television shows of days gone by. I neglected to state that Paul Dini was allegedly a writer of Hero High. And, AND... the girl who played "Dirty Trixie" married Willie Aames of Eight is Enough and Charles in Charge. You just can't know too much of this kind of stuff!

See you tomorrow!

More Non-Comic Television Monday!

2011-02-14T00:41:00.001-06:00

Whilst I was researching Friday's blog, I discovered a glut of old television shows that an uniformed viewer might think could be blamed on comics, but weren't. Let's look at some more!

You knew it was coming. It lasted for sixteen episodes - the first season of The Kroftt Supershow in 1976. You may or may not know that Deidre Hall (Electra Woman) spent nearly thirty years as a soap opera star on Days of Our Lives. Sadly, Judy Sturgis (who played Dyna Girl) quit being in front of the camera and only did voice over work shortly after that because she was being stalked. Fun Comic Fact: She was the voice of "Baby Doll" on Batman: The Animated Series.

Now things get kinda strange. Here's a look at The Greatest American Hero, which ran from 1981 to 1983:

Keep in mind that I was a young person in the late 1970's / early 1980's, and pickings for live-action heroics were pretty slim. I quit watching The Greatest American Hero after the first few episodes because they seemed to milk his "I can't get my powers to work" gag ad nauseum, and this montage gives me the impression I was probably right. I felt legally and morally obliged as a child to support anything and everything that put super-powered characters on television or in the movies, but even I had my limit.

The weird part? Do you recognize that stuntman at the beginning? Well, let me help jog your memory:

Yup. That guy.

Moving on.

You may be thinking I should include this:

I only saw this once or twice, because I was past watching Saturday morning stuff at the ripe old age of eleven, but I seem to remember the ~~Captain Marvel~~ "Shazam!" cartoons to be fairly decent, all things considered. In any rate, Captain Marvel is one of the original comic book characters, so we'll leave him alone.

But what about Hero High? Well, we can technically say it isn't based on any comic books, but we'd actually be wrong. It turns out the characters were based on the Archie gang. It turns out the rights to those characters were lost somewhere between idea and execution. If you know your Archie, you won't have a hard time figuring out which character was meant for whom.

I actually liked Hero High as well. Let's see more:

I should totally get that DVD.

I don't know how much tinkering was done, because Archie, Reggie and Jughead had their own super-identities (Captain Pureheart, Evilheart, and Captain Hero, respectively) in the comics. So, if we were going to see those characters before the rights were lost, I don't know.

Fast forward to 1994 and M.A.N.T.I.S.:

I never watched it myself, but I understand it got very weird in the latter half of its three season run. I believe the title character was killed in the last episode fighting an invisible dinosaur, which means now I simply have to buy that DVD as well.

Another show I've always meant to watch but never got around to was Mutant X:

This ran from 2001 to 2004, and based on the plot as I read it, I'm not seeing it as an X-Men ripoff, although Fox and Marvel apparently had some legal discussions about that. In any respect, I'm probably missing out on something.

And, of course, my love for The Incredibles knows no bounds:

Can you believe they're making a sequel to Cars but they still won't give me another Incredibles? This is but one of many reasons why I am convinced that the universe only gives me things so that it can deprive me of them later.

Take us to No Ordinary Family (which I enjoyed, but it appears I was the only one because it's teetering on cancellation even as we speak), and I think I've hit

So, not counting Japanese creations (which are too numerous to mention), I think I've hit most of the highs. Anyone know of any others I may have missed?

That was fun. Back to normal funny book business tomorrow!

Adam Hates "The Cape" and is Happy to Hear it's Going to be Cancelled and Here's Why Friday!

2011-02-11T00:51:00.001-06:00

My lovelies, I'm a little behind because of the blizzard, but hopefully this is it. I made today's post super-sized to make up for the gaps.

I'm hearing rumblings that The Cape, a show on NBC that is so dreadful I refuse to even link to it, is getting the ax, and I couldn't be happier. Not that I enjoy watching things fail (well, I kinda do sometimes), but that debacle was the worst thing for comics since the Adam West Batman show.

Some of you young 'uns may not remember a time before 1989's Tim Burton Batman movie, but before that, people assumed that if you read comics, you were reading something meant for five year-olds. You had to hide your interest in the hobby to spare yourself endless mocking, much more so than today. So when I see some piece of crap like The Cape with embarrassingly bad dialog and hackneyed storylines (the show made the Darkman movies look like The Dark Knight), I see our cred taking a giant step back. Kill it. Kill it with fire, and spit on the ashes.

The hardest thing about The Cape is that non-comic nerdlingers actually thought this was based on a real comic. Many times, I found myself saying (rather defensively) to someone, "It's not based on a comic at all." Frankly, I like to think that a comic that terrible wouldn't survive three issues.

So, what else did I find that I've heard folks mistakenly assume was based on a comic over the years?

Thusly:

Manimal lasted 8 episodes in 1983. He was supposed to be able to change into any animal, but it was a television show in 1983, so they could only show so many transformations. This meant that if he was going to turn into anything but a hawk or a panther (for which they had stock footage), it had to happen off camera.

And, to save you the search, here's what it looked like when he transformed:

I remember watching all the episodes, and I kinda liked it, but even with the very limited special effects budget, it was still a very expensive show and therefore it was much more difficult to justify its existence, especially when it was going up against Dallas.

NBC tried again in 1985 to do another quasi-comic book show against Dallas when they brought about Misfits of Science:

Obviously, it was kind of a Heroes/X-Men thing. To its credit, it lasted sixteen episodes. And that is one young Courtney Cox.

Going back to 1983, ABC tested the nerd ratings pool with Automan:

There are thirteen episodes out there if you just can't get enough of Desi Arnaz, Jr.

And for those of you who think I'm being too hard on The Cape, I give you Exhibits "A" and "B," both of which ran from January to May of 1967:

not to be confused with

These shows premiered and ended the exact same day, and were the direct result of the campy Batman television show of the day. See? See? This is how we descend into crap. We accept garbage and the folks quit trying.

And before you get all defensive, let me show you a little sampling of the afore-mentioned Mister Terrific:

Yup. And it's still better-written than The Cape.

See you Monday!

Just Because You're a Madman Doesn't Mean the Rest of the World Isn't Insane Wednesday!

2011-02-09T00:12:00.000-06:00

I'm not shy that I think Silver Age covers are, by and large, amazing. Thusly:

The story really wasn't all that and a bag o'chips, but what a cover!

Before we go there, let's go back a few issues to Detective #409:

I don't recall a moralizing Batman in the comics much, at least not out loud. Sure, the Adam West television version rarely got through an episode without giving us safe driving or hygiene tips, but you rarely see this in print. And frankly, I don't care for his little message because I do think the rest of the world has pretty much lost its collective mind. And I hate to take anyone's inventory, but Batman is probably the last person in the world who is qualified to tell me that my outlook on human nature is too harsh. I expect this sort of crap from Superham.

Anyway, back to Detective #413:

I think people would take you more seriously if you didn't pick your nose while you talked to them. Just excuse yourself, use a tissue, and then tell us about the witch's curse. I can assure you, most folks will give you those few moments you need to put your best foot forward.

Uh-oh. Get ready for an Unintentionally Hilarious Moment (tm!):

Oh, man. He couldn't just find her? He had to kick her hard enough to stub his toe? It seems like Mr. Master-of-the-Night there might notice a body lying there in the woods, but I suppose everyone has an off day. That's going to be a hard one to explain once she wakes up, though:

Miss, are you okay?

Yes, Batman... except I have this sharp pain in my side. It feels like someone kicked me!

Hmmm... you probably rolled over onto a sharp rock. Or something.

Batman? How did I get this odd, toe-shaped bruise?

Uh... I found you that way. Yeah, that's it! You had it when I found you!

And..... scene.

See you tomorrow, I hope! There's another 5 to 10 inches of snow expected, so keep checking back if I have to miss a day!

The Establishment May be Square, but I Still Assert that I am Quite Groovy Tuesday!

2011-02-08T00:52:00.001-06:00

Hey, gang! I'm still a little frazzled from the unexpected "time out" inflicted by the blizzard. It's good to be back, for sure. Gabe's artwork for the Hero Action Persons graphic novel keep getting better, and Snatcher Bodies is even getting some love as well, so 2011 is shaping up nicely (blizzard notwithstanding).

Let's celebrate with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!) from Detective Comics #406!:

Mara probably wants a little privacy, then.

If nothing else, remember this:

Darn straight.... take that, Establishment!

I saw this making the Internet rounds, and had to share:

Phoenix Comics, you rock so hard!

See you tomorrow!

Because a Virtual Life is Still a Life Monday!

2011-02-07T00:37:00.002-06:00

Whew! That was quite the blizzard! Hopefully, we're back on track. A break is nice and all, but let's get this show back on the road.

Fortunately, contributor Robert Gillis saved the day with some fun from Lois Lane #18. Lois and Jimmy Olsen seemed to be in a contest to see whose comic could be weirder, which is why it positively grinds my gears that I don't have either run at my disposal. Yet. Meanwhile, check out Astounding Man!:

So, I use advanced surveillance equipment to watch you and record you without your knowledge, and you get a restraining order. This guy does the same thing to Lois, and he's Mr. Freakin' Romance.

Or, as it would turn out, Mr. Oogamooga:

So, you've got two people who have never seen each other in the flesh all married and such. If this kind of weirdness wasn't happening online all the time, I'd make some sardonic comment.

Here's a delight from Lois Lane #1:

I realize that Superman doesn't want to spend all day changing the course of mighty rivers or catching falling planes from the sky, but I'm not sure freezing ice cream is the most socially responsible thing he could be doing. I realize I'm getting all judgmental, but doesn't he have some kind of super-breath power that could keep him a little closer to home just in case Lex Luthor decides it's time for one of his bi-weekly attacks on the citizens of Metropolis? Oy.

Thanks for keeping us supplied, Robert!

See you tomorrow!

Weather Updatin' Thursday!

2011-02-03T06:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Ones, I'm sorry about the missed post yesterday. As was predicted, the Midwest was slammed by a blizzard, the likes of which we haven't seen in many years. Casa Barnett was very fortunate in that the power remained on and no pipes have burst, so we're grateful for that.

Snow had drifted up my driveway reaching depths of 23 inches, so shoveling my way through that was yesterday's project. So, I don't anticipate a new post tomorrow, but we should be back in the swing of things on Monday. For those of you also dealing with this mess, more sympathetic I could not be.

Thankfully, sPat came to the rescue and shot me a panel for today, from an early issue of World's Finest:

If only my Brain-Amplifier were working, I could figure out what the missing ingredient is to get my Brain-Amplifier working! Oh, Science, you are a cruel mistress indeed!

Hang in there, my lovelies! We'll be back in the saddle on Monday!

Their Cup of Blood Our Mouths Shall Sip Tuesday!

2011-02-01T00:21:00.000-06:00

Dear Ones, We're set to get some nasty weather tomorrow, so I don't know for sure if I'll be updating. If you tune in and there's nothing for a day or two, I'll thaw out as soon as I can. Keep checking!

Meanwhile, just in case you need a little somethin' somethin' to keep you warm, here's Pat Patriot doing some song-and-dance routine from the Golden Age Daredevil #10!:

At this point, I started wondering if this was supposed to actually be to the tune of something, but I found nothing. Anyone recognize this tune?

That's a pretty graphic little tune, but I've grown used to it when I read these Golden Age comics. Our grandparents were quite badass. Meanwhile, I tried to find something on Youtube, and all I came up with was this:

Well, it wasn't all I came up with, but they're trying hard so I thought I'd give 'em some fame. I'm a cool cat that way. Pay it forward, and all that.

But you can't expect the Nazis to just sit there and put up with your singin' and your dancin' and whatnot:

Oops, indeed!

Time for Pat Patriot to deploy her weapon of choice: Soup!

Nice work, Pat Patriot! Now make me a sammitch!

The Disembodied Floating Heads (tm!) seem to enjoy it:

And Pat looks very pleased with herself:

You know, if that Wonder Woman TV show falls through again, I'm pretty sure the licensing rights to Pat Patriot are just sitting there. Maybe I should make a few calls. To someone.

See you tomorrow (I hope!)! Stay warm!

Finish HIM!!!! Monday!

2011-01-31T00:17:00.000-06:00

So, I'm back to reading Detective Comics for a while, just to keep things freshy-fresh for everyone, and I come upon this beautiful Neal Adams / Dick Giordano cover. Did I mention it was beautiful? Because I wanted to be sure I covered that before I confess that it unintentionally made me laugh:

As we've discussed many times, you can get away with a lot on a cover. There's no shame in puffery when you're trying to make your mag stand out on Ye Olde Spinning Wire Rack.

But this leads me to create a new category: The Rest of The Story (tm!)

What was that?

KLICK . . . TWANG! THOOOMP!

AIEEEEEE!!! I've been shot by a crossbow! I'm so hosed!

I mean, it's a point blank shot and the arrow is about 80 % there, so if there were any realism in comics at all, Bats would have been a gone goose.

This is kind of short-sighted on Commissioner Gordon's part:

Yes, Batman! I realize that I have now blocked the falcon from coming into my office, where we might be able to capture him and find clues, but I don't like bird poop on my desk.

Anyhoo, it turns out that Bats is being stalked by a guy named Yager, who is determined to hunt Bats and kill him like an animal because he's already hunted everything else. Of course, if you really wanted to pursue the ultimate prey, you'd probably go after Superman or J'onn J'onzz, but this isn't their book.

Turns out Yager knows Batman's secret identity. Which means, of course, that ~~Kraven the Hunter~~ Yager is a goner. Thusly:

And, as is wont to happen when you learn too much about a protagonist in comics, the best thing you can hope for is that you'll lose your memory or vow to keep the secret to yourself for some self-serving reason. Otherwise, at the end of that pit is going to be...

Yup. Those rods wouldn't have been sharpened (heh... rods) had Yager not known just a bit too much.

The terms of his death, of course, caused my mind to go directly to...

Yeah!

We played this before the Internet was readily available, so most of us only knew how to do that one fatality. You kids today just don't know how we suffered! You just don't know!

See you tomorrow!

I Broke His Fingers Like TWIGS! Friday!

2011-01-28T00:12:00.002-06:00

Okay, I know that ads aren't everyone's favorites, but you've got to check these out. Besides, I just finished reading 100 issues of Amazing Spider-Man straight, and I've got to take a break.

For the discerning ten year-old readers of the Golden Age Daredevil:

That's right.... "Drinking Companions."

BITCHIN'!

Speaking of which:

It wasn't from the "Drinking Companions" ad, but it's not a big leap to think that one led to the other.

Yeah, nothing speaks from your heart like someone telling you how to speak from your heart.

Remember from The Simpsons?

"Maybe this is just the beer talking, Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels and shioasgfdhaset... FIVE DOLLARS? Get outta here..."

I don't know if it's still cool to love The Simpsons or not, but I do. The writing is still brilliant.

See you Monday!

Peter Really Needs to Raise His Standards Thursday!

2011-01-27T00:47:00.002-06:00

From Amazing Spider-Man #188:

Betty, is that really the most appropriate top to wear when visiting someone's elderly aunt in the hospital? I mean, did you go through your closet, put on a bikini top and say, "Yes, this is the look I'm going for. Time to bring some cheer to a dying woman."

Nothing wrong with it at all...except (as Peter just said) you're married!

Marvel Comics: Promoting Wholesome Values Since 1938

Hey, here's a fun "Easter Egg" I found on the letters page!

So, when Kurt Busiek criticized one of the Big Two, he was writing for them in a matter of years. Following this logic, I should be replacing Stan Lee within a matter of weeks. Start looking forward to that one!

It's always a fun find when I uncover a letter written by a future creator. The funny thing is, when Kurt calls for things like "lasting changes that will still be important fifty years later," he's setting a very high standard for his future self. I just blew your mind, didn't I?

See you tomorrow!

Captain America Means What He Says (as Opposed to Everyone Else) Wednesday!

2011-01-26T00:36:00.001-06:00

So by now, most of you who actually care know which member of the Fantastic Four has "died." And if it was your favorite member, fret not. Superman, Jean Grey, Hal Jordan, Ollie Queen, and Barry Allen will all tell you that death is rarely fatal in comics.

I've never been silent about my opinion that a dead character should remain dead. It keeps me from getting excited about the developments in a story if I know that a character who "dies" is only going to resurface in a year or two. In fact, hasn't every member of the Fantastic Four "died" in some capacity over the years already?

Even Bucky and Jason Todd, two sidekicks whose deaths were considered untouchable, have found their way back from the Great Beyond. I, for one, am tired of this lazy, sensationalist writing and won't tolerate it. I will defend the virtues of Identity Crisis, so it's not like I'm that difficult to please. But as far as I'm concerned, I refuse to consider any character "deaths" an event unless dead starts meaning dead. Like "Adrian Chase," "John Ostrander's Suicide Squad Run," or "Meatball from the Little Wise Guys" level of death.

Let's not forget the last major character Marvel "killed off":

... and we've all seen how permanent that was.

I don't know if it's unpatriotic to say I dislike Captain America. Maybe that's why I dislike him. How can you dislike a character who wraps himself up in the flag and poops in flavors?

Well, I don't. I don't like people who purport to be so dang superior.

Smack him, Spidey. We all want you to.

Okay, you've seen this entire conversation. What did Cap say that was "more than he was permitted to"? All I read there is "You aren't part of the club, so get out." See what I mean? Sooooo self-righteous.

And he refers to himself in the third person:

That's the kind of thing usually reserved for Marvel villains. Know why? Because it's an annoying trait designed to make you not like the arrogant jerks all the more. Why Captain America gets away with it, I'm not sure. People tend to ignore a lot when you wrap yourself in the flag.

Seriously, can someone shoot this guy again?

There. Good job, Electro.

See? I hate him so much, I root for Electro, for crying out loud.

That was from Amazing Spider-Man #187, by-the-by.

See you tomorrow!

Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This (Fourth) Wall Tuesday!

2011-01-25T00:32:00.000-06:00

So, I'm checking out Amazing Spider-Man #186. Peter has, by and large, finished his undergrad studies and we are promised a new chapter in his life.

This apparently includes a really bad costume idea for The Chameleon:

For someone whose claim to fame is the ability to blend in, that's an... interesting choice of outfits there.

Egad, that is awful. Off to the Costume Hall of Shame! (tm!)

But what makes Amazing #186 an interesting read is this one-page detour where the Marvel Universe bleeds over into reality. For instance:

The Amazing Spider-Man live-action tv show of the 1970's was actually on the air at the time (and the cover itself referred to Spidey as "Marvel's TV Sensation!"), but it wouldn't last long. While it did pretty well in the ratings (it was actually a top 20 show!), CBS didn't want to have so many comic book-themed shows on its schedule and ditched it (and the Lynda Carter Wonder Woman series) in favor of the Bill Bixby / Lou Ferrigno The Incredible Hulk series.

Oddly enough, neither series had any foes from the comics due to budget limitations, which is a shame. Despite many fans (and Stan Lee himself) disliking the show, Nicholas Hammond was a great Peter Parker. He was also the guy on The Brady Bunch who broke a date with Marsha when Peter broke her nose with a football.

But there's more:

That is allegedly then DC Editor-in-Chief Jenette Kahn, making a pitch that was very similar to a Superman vs. Muhammad Ali one-shot that DC put out earlier. Yes, someone actually did that.

Here's what Spidey had to say about it:

And she should have listened because that's exactly what happened in the Superman vs. Muhammad Ali project. According to those who know better than I, Neal Adams ran long on the deadlines, so Ali had lost the title by the time the special hit the stands, making it about as awesome as a Punisher vs. Buster Douglas special (which actually sounds kind of awesome).

And, of course, Marvel had given the Children's Television Workshop free rights to Spidey for use in The Electric Company, giving the world the first actual live Spider-Man stories.

That's a lot of behind-the-scenes reality for a comic from those times. Of course, most of it went right over my head at the time, but that's a fun "Easter Egg" to find all these years later.

See you tomorrow!

The Good Old Days When Men Were Brutes, and Women Were Scheming Liars Monday!

2011-01-24T00:56:00.000-06:00

Let's take another look at some classic Lois Lane moments, courtesy of our pal Robert Gillis!

Here's a classic from Lois Lane #8:

In answer to your question, Lois: Yes, when it comes to women, we can be that stupid and then some.

How stupid? Well, this stupid:

You know, Lois, you don't have to go out with the guy just because he's beating up on Clark. You could always call the police. Then again, that's not the way folks did things back in the day. You didn't involve the law unless it was something important, like the neighbor's dog taking a dump in your yard. So a lot of women went out on dates with guys who beat up other guys in front of them. That's how America used to roll, back when we were a proud, self-sufficient people.

Here's one of Lois's many attempts at forcing Superham to marry her, from Lois Lane #14:

Yes, what deceit and manipulation have brought together, let no man tear asunder. The best marriages are based on cons and grifts. Women knew how to get the job done back then, because men were apparently willing to beat each other bloody to get dates, but a woman had to lure you to the altar (much like trying to get a stray cat out from under your porch).

Good times, my friends.... good times.

Thanks again, Robert!

The Greatest Cross-Over in the History of Comics Friday!

2011-01-21T00:38:00.002-06:00

So, what do you think the best cross-over was? Superman vs. Spider-Man? Batman vs. the Hulk? The New Teen Titans vs. The X-Men? Personally, the one I had enjoyed the most was the surprisingly entertaining Green Lantern/Silver Surfer, which was low on cosmic nonsense and high on humor.

But that apparently wasn't the most awesome cross-over ever. Oh, no. Robert Gillis has found the new king of cross-overs. Robert Gillis certainly helps me fill in those gaps in my Lois Lane collection, which seems to be a gold mine of questionable moments. Here's Pat Boone from Lois Lane #9!:

I'm sure they're puffing it up as a courtesy (read: "contractual obligation") to Pat Boone, but apparently Boone was quite the big deal back in the day. Still, it's hilarious to see.

And he makes Lois Lane swoon. SWOOOOOOONN!

Heh. Lois groans on pitch.

And here we see Superman's greatest crime against humanity:

Yes, we were almost spared a Pat Boone record. Blast it, Superman! Quit interfering with the natural order of things!

Thanks, Robert!

See you Monday!

SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP Thursday!

2011-01-20T00:13:00.001-06:00

Here's a moment from ~~Adventures of~~ Superman v2 #26 that I don't understand:

Pretty self-explanatory, right? Someone whose name I forget puts bad mojo on Superham via a vodoo doll. So, bad things happen to the doll means bad things happen to Superham, right?

So, why is everything all better when the doll gets all squooshed like that? Wouldn't that trauma be transferred to Superham and kill him even if the doll was destroyed in the process?

And I'm not just picking on Superham here (though it does come quite naturally to me). Any time I see a story with a voodoo doll I can't help but think the person who is affected by the doll should be going to great lengths to be certain that doll comes to no harm whatsoever.

I dunno.... any voodoo practitioners out there who want to field this one?

Meanwhile, let's check out the best Random Bitch-Slap (tm!) ever, from Flash v2, #22!:

When Wally West bitch-slaps you, you know you've been bitch-slapped!

And check out Suicide Squad: From the Ashes:

That's right. Someone finally slaps Amanda Waller.

Until she regains consciousness:

I love Amanda Waller. Off to the Character Hall of Fame with her!

See you tomorrow!

The Toxic Women in Peter Parker's Life Part 2 Wednesday!

2011-01-19T00:26:00.002-06:00

Okay, just in case people think I was being rough on Mary Jane Watson yesterday, let's take a look at Betty Brant Leeds, or Betty Brant ~~Leeds~~, as the case may soon be, from Amazing Spider-Man #184:

So where do we begin?

(A) If you find out a girl has ever walked out on a guy without telling him and there wasn't some form of abuse involved, show said girl the door;

(B) If an ex-girlfriend comes to you to complain about her husband, things will NOT end well. Again, show said girl the door.

and (C) If a woman ever suggests a romantic relationship and she is still married, run as fast as you can until you see a copy of the divorce decree that has been signed by a judge and file-stamped by the appropriate court clerk.

Marvel Comics: Promoting Bad Decisions Since 1938

See you tomorrow!

Mary Jane Watson - Beyotch. Tuesday!

2011-01-18T00:34:00.002-06:00

And we're back! We all know that Peter eventually married Mary Jane Watson, which divided Spider-Fans into people who liked the idea and people who thought that was the second worst idea ever put into the series.

But didja know, or didja remember, that Pete had proposed to Mary Jane years before? Yup. Let's take a look at Amazing Spider-Man #183 to see how that turned out:

That's pretty brutal, MJ. First, when you whip out a ring, he's going to think for a split-second that you bought him an engagement ring in response to the ring he gave you a few issues earlier. Second, making a flippant joke while you put the token of your rejection in his palm minimizes Pete's feelings.

And yes, I can see the comments section ablaze with, "Well, that's just how Mary Jane is," to which my response is, "Well, then Mary Jane is a selfish jackass." It's become popular for the young folks to discount their anti-social behavior with, "Well, I'm just being me." Well, maybe we don't want to be around you if that's who you are, and you should do us all a favor and go to one central location so we can build a big wall around your collective narcissistic ass (like they did the criminals in Escape from New York) so those of us who want to make the world a better place don't have to look at you. Admitting a fault is only the first step in doing something about it, kids! Learn and grow.

In other words, I view men as prey and want to have as many hearts for my trophy case as possible.

Hey, Mary Jane? I'd be smiling right now if you hadn't just taken a dump on my heart, so since you're the reason I'm sad, what say you not presume to have the right to tell me to smile?

Can we still be friends? Why sure! All of my friends break my heart into a million pieces trivialize my feelings. I'd love to be a part of your life as I watch you go out with other guys, and then stick around and watch you cry when they treat you the same way you've treated me.

Get to steppin', biyotch.

See you tomorrow!

Just You Wait Till I Get My Gun Out Friday!

2011-01-14T00:14:00.001-06:00

As I previously mentioned, there was kind of a shortage of super-hero comics in the early days of Action Comics, especially if you don't consider Zatara the Magician a super-hero. But by Action Comics #40, things had changed..... a teensy tiny bit:

Am I the only one who is hoping this is Devo? Because it could totally be Devo, and that would be bitchin'! I would buy the heck out of a Devo comic.

But alas, it's simply Mr. America, arguably one of the worst characters ever. He wore breeches and buckled shoes, had a porn star mustache and a pony tail like those guys that still take classes at the local community college in their 60's for no particular reason. And his name made him sound like the Affirmative Action entry in a beauty pageant. He was just wrong all the way around.

And he had zero respect for the law:

Assault an officer? Don't mind if I do!

And his calling card.... eeeesh:

Seriously? Batman is sending bats to people via United Parcel Service and this guy is striking terror into the hearts of hardened criminals with a dyed, autographed feather. Only the most skittish homophobe would have any kind of reaction.

So, it should come as no surprise that Mr. America has trouble handling even a non-powered foe armed with a handgun. Thank goodness the cops were around:

Yup! I'm the guy you attacked with a whip earlier! And you're welcome, douchebag!

Off to the Costume and Character Hall of Shame with you, Mr. America! You were a character that even a revival in the current Justice Society series can't make cool.

See you TUESDAY because of the holiday!

A Very Cleanly Blog Post Thursday!

2011-01-13T00:24:00.000-06:00

Hey! It's time for some super fun with Action Comics #27!

See? This is messed up right there. If you have to persuade someone to go out with you, the relationship is a goner right there because she'll always have that to hang over your head.

Seriously, Clark... we've all been there, but move on.

Why yes, Mrs. Tweed. It is indeed a very cleanly room. One of the cleanlyest ones I've seen in some time.

Okay, I really try not to be the grammar police, but that one was pretty obvious.

On the flip side, I loathe it when people don't use -ly at the end of adverbs, and that seems to be the new thing. America, I must insist that you stop it at once. And while you're at it, look up the word "literally" and start using it correctly.

To be fair to Mrs. Tweed, kids like crappy food. She could have been using Julia Child's recipes, and they would still be going nuts at the corner diner. That's just the way kids are.

As many of you know, I run an unofficial home for wayward stray dogs, so I'm often pressed for naming 'em. Here's a name I haven't used yet, but am totally going to:

I've actually written about Black Satan, you may recall. And it may interest you to know that the comic book villain came out roughly two years (in Startling Comics #16) after this issue of Action was printed. Will we ever know if the villain's name came from the creator seeing this dog?

You'd think, "Well, that must have been the case," but we saw a similar occurrence right here. So, I guess we'll never know for sure.

Here's something we won't hear Lois say too much in subsequent issues:

Personally, I would make Lois write out that statement and sign it before I saved her butt.

But here's why Clark is always giving her a break:

See? Clark's a raging co-dependent! It explains so much!

It doesn't make me like the character any better, but it explains so much!

Hallucinations - The Go-To Psychosis for Comic Book Writers Everywhere! Wednesday!

2011-01-12T00:09:00.000-06:00

So, here's a little scene I came upon in Amazing Spider-Man #170:

All my greatest enemies! Well, I'm not sure how the Man-Wolf got into a group of my greatest enemies, but there you have it!

Actually, I was bringing this up, because it seems like Peter might be used to this by now:

Yup. Not two years earlier, he was having hallucinations while under the influence of an enemy's chemical attack.

So, what was going on in issue #170? He was having hallucinations while under the influence of an enemy's chemical attack.

Marvel Comics: The House of (Recycled) Ideas

On an unrelated note, Pete hallucinates a lot about the vulture, doesn't he?

Hey, it's time for a crossover!:

For non-comic nerdlingers, this is a typical sales ploy where a new and/or floundering character has a storyline with an established, popular character. In this case, Marvel was hoping that by being forced to read an issue of Nova, you might get in the habit of buying the book on a regular basis.

Which you didn't, because Nova not only had his original series cancelled, but the three attempts at re-launching his solo title over the years have all failed. I find it hilarious to see Spider-Man on an anchor with Nova getting dragged down below the surface because.... well, you clearly get how woefully appropriate an analogy that is.

Again: Marvel: The House of (Recycled) Ideas

See you tomorrow!

Drop That Hog-Leg Tuesday!

2011-01-11T00:05:00.001-06:00

In the earliest of days, Action Comics had Western comics. This was before Western and war comics totally overtook the industry, so I guess they were just covering as many bases as possible.

I actually like a lot of Western comics, but I don't always understand what they're saying. Consider these little dandies from Action #17:

Okay, that one, I kind of get. This one, not so much:

Yeah, I don't get that one. And keep in mind, I've lived in Oklahoma nearly my entire life.

But I know some good Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) when I see it!:

See ya tomorrow, pardners!

Of Toxic Relationships and a T-Rex Monday!

2011-01-10T00:59:00.001-06:00

As we mature, we learn to appreciate the important things in life partners. We focus a little less on the physical and more on the soul. That is, if we're smart we do.

Peter still has a little growing up to do:

Okay, if the girl you're dating doesn't want you to go with you to visit your elderly aunt who raised you in the hospital, I don't care how good she looks, it's time for an upgrade.

And why is Peter yelling at Harry and Liz? I mean, he's shrieking at them! He's probably got such low expectations since Mary Jane was such a jerk about visit poor Aunt May, he's that surprised anyone cares about the woman.

And here's another clue. If your girl trash-talks you to others, time to upgrade:

Seriously, Mary Jane? You're going to slam on me to my aunt? Maybe if Aunt May knew you had to be dragged to the hospital to visit her, she might be a little less into the whole "all men need to be fixed by their womenfolk" riff you've got going on there.

Bleh. I really need to see Spider-Man fighting a T-Rex right about now.

Oh, here it is:

That's better. Thanks, Amazing Spider-Man #166!

See you tomorrow!

Wife-Beating at 211 Court Avenue Friday!

2011-01-07T00:39:00.000-06:00

Hey! Snatcher-Bodies is the Webcomic of the Month at the ICCW Network. Are you keeping up with the coolness?

I'm still heady at getting my official "No Prize" status from Gerry Conway, so I'm going to veer off a bit and dig into some Golden Age Superman. The Amazing Spider-Man issues are great fun, but they've aged pretty well and aren't giving me a lot of fodder for the blog. So, I'll keep plowing through them and popping stuff in as I come across it. But I'll keep things moving along with the guaranteed Gold Mine of Snark that is Action Comics.

And there's no better place to start than the very first ish, full of trivia and silliness. F'rinstance:

Yup. Originally, Clark was raised in an orphanage, not by the Kents!

And, o'course, most of us know that he had limitations to flight and invulnerability at first:

... which is something they probably should have gone with, because the character became ridiculously powerful and impossible to make interesting.

But you may not have known that in Metropolis, if your husband is beating you....

... the neighbors apparently call the media before they call the cops. Which only makes sense. What point is there to committing a crime if the police are just going to break it up before the community can enjoy the entertainment value?

So, Clark goes to the scene...

... and doesn't bother getting out of his street clothes until he's standing in the guy's doorway. I guess being a true orphan, Clark didn't worry a whole heck of a lot about the whole "secret identity" thing.

I ask you, what's a hero without a bitchy woman in his life?

Wow. I shudder to think how many impressionable boys were reading this and thought this was how women were supposed to treat them. Seriously, Clark, you need to move on. Metropolis is a big town, and there are a bunch of other women in it.

So, we're all familiar with the cover of the issue, but did you know who that oft-spoofed guy is running away with his head in his hands? Why, it's Butch Mason, Ladies Man and Local Hooligan:

See? There he is:

You didn't even realize that wasn't just some random bystander, did you? See? Even though Superman bores me silly, I'm here to be a source of information. It's but one of many services I provide you little nerdlingers. Eisner Award Committee, take note.

See you Monday!

UPDATE: We Hear From Gerry Conway!

2011-01-06T10:16:00.004-06:00

Yup! Gerry Conway, scribe of the awesome Silver-Age Spider-Man was nice enough to read my theory and respond with his own take:

Thanks, Adam -- a no-prize for you. I'm of the opinion that some fans (like those who believed this was a plot hole) try too hard to apply real-world logic and assumptions to fantasy-world situations. But to respond in kind, my attitude toward this would have been, Peter's spider-sense isn't a fine-tuned, mechanical sonar/radar piece of technology: it's an organic, instinctive response to perceived threat -- real or imagined. Like our own fight-or-flight response, it can be activated by perfectly innocent stimuli, because it's an instinct, not a calibrated, 100% accurate-all-the-time weapons system. (As if weapons systems were 100% accurate all the time.) The fact is, someone was in Peter's apartment when he didn't expect anyone to be there -- that would be enough to get *my* spider-sense tingling. It's called being surprised. That's about all the logic and rationalization it needs. (But I do like your rationalization too.)

Of course, my own rationalization was that Pete's secret ID was in danger of being discovered by a Mary Jane snooping around uninvited in his apartment, which ties into Gerry's take.

Isn't it awesome that some comic writers are willing to share their thoughts with us? I am truly not worthy!

Thanks so much, Gerry! It was a real treat to hear from you!