Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Jury Nullification, Spidey-Style! Tuesday!

The Prowler first appeared in a two-part story found in Amazing Spider-Man #78 and 79.  He has his supporters, but I've always found him rather whiny and uninteresting.  He also wears green and purple, which just never works.  Anyway, here's where he fusses and moans to Spidey after he gets caught. 


"You've hurt no one"?

"You've stolen nothing"?

Ladies and gents, I give you Exhibit "A"....


Yup, when Spidey first laid eyes on the Prowler, he had stolen from the Daily Bugle and assaulted a security guard into unconsciousness.  I'm pretty sure that counts as stealing and hurting someone.

Yes, you nerds, I realize that the Prowler was just temporarily stealing the money so he could recover it and look like a hero.  I'm also aware that Spider-Man's appearance kept him from successfully leaving with it.  You know what?  It doesn't matter.  The man committed a robbery, which is worse than just stealing something.  YEESH!

So Spidey basically allows another criminal to run right past him, just like he did before he ever even became Spider-Man back in Amazing Fantasy #15.  I expect more from my masked vigilantes, I do.

Here's my kind of protest, from Amazing #69:


Yeah!  Make some frosting!
Bake a cake!
Eat it all!
Get a stomach ache!

I really don't know where I was going with that.  I think I just wanted to show off my own mad protest skillz, y'all.

Hey!  Random Bitch-Slap!(tm!):


Thanks, Amazing #70!

See you tomorrow!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Glurg! My Face is Full of Egg-Rolls! Monday!

Time for some holiday shenanigans from Detective Comics # 382 and 383!


You know, considering Batman's claim to fame is that he's human but compensates for it by always being one step ahead of the enemy, it seems that he was a little lazy here.  I mean, if there's a group of criminals called "The Smokescreen Mob," maybe you might prepare for, oh I don't know.... a smokescreen?!

Back to the classics:


Arrrgh!  Disabled by playing cards in my face!  It's an attack for which there is no defense.

And once you've used up the cards....


That's right!  Use the poker chips!  Yes, they probably sting a little more than playing cards, but poker chips are about as heavy as checkers, which is to say not at all. Considering the maniacs always breaking out of Arkham Asylum, your average Gotham City lowlife was really pretty easy to subdue.

No, if you're going to throw something stupid in someone's face (like egg-rolls), do it right:


See?  That's the way you take someone out by tossing something in their face! 

Batman....


.... loves fresh fortune cookies.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Swooosh and Klobb Wednesday!

I know if you just wanted the same gags repeated over and over, you'd just watch Saturday Night Live.  So, I was trying to be all responsible and dignified and disregard Elongated Man Silver Age Weirdness.

But then came Detective Comics #380:


Sure, we've seen the hair stretch and act as if it had muscle tissue.  We've also seen the eyeballs come out and go every which way (which I still think is a bad idea because he's just begging for an eye injury).

That isn't the reason for today's post.  This is:


Yes, elongated shoulder blades.  And I am totally grossed out.  That's just wrong.  How I'm not going to think about that while we're carving the turkey this weekend, I have no idea.

Okay, I'm off for Thanksgiving holiday until Monday!  I'll see you then!  Safe travels, everyone!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Few Words About Mysterio Tuesday!

If you haven't read Amazing Spider-Man #66, SPOILER ALERT!



Now, then.  I would like to say this about Mysterio:

If you know he's the villain, I think you can figure out what the situation is.  At the end of his first appearance, it was revealed that all of the weird things he seemed to make happen were just illusions and special effects.

So, when you find yourself facing Mysterio and things don't seem quite right?  Illusion.

So, if you're going to use the character, you probably shouldn't reveal him to be the mastermind until just a page or two before the end.  You can kind of guess where this went in the next issue. (HINT: ILLUSION!)

See you tomorrow!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Your Arguments are Lengthy and Invalid Monday!

I don't mind telling you, these last couple of weeks have been cleaning my clock. Thank goodness Robert Gillis came to the rescue!

Here's something that's "quite logical" from Superman Annual #2:


Except, of course, that it isn't even slightly logical, even for Bizarro-logic.

But if you need details, Supergirl is here for you, from Adventure #383:


Wait.  What?  

What in the world did she just say?

Never mind.  It's more trouble than I'm sure it's worth.

Well, let's try a short explanation again, from Adventure #333:


I researched this, and I can't find any source that says suns change color, ever.  A sun might appear orange when it sets, but that's only because our perspective of the sun has changed.

This is what happens when you chalk everything up to something's color.  It never stands the test of logic, even by comic-book standards.

My head hurts.  Let's check out the worst criminal mastermind ever, from Lois Lane #17:


Okay, did you catch that?  The genius got rid of critical evidence by tearing the piece of paper up and throwing it in his waste basket.  THAT, my friends, is someone who is just felony lazy.

Thanks again, Robert!  

See you Tuesday!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Nipple Rays and Ginchy New Hairdos Friday!

It's hard to top yesterday's look at Jim Nastics, but let's settle for more Spider-Man fun from Amazing Spider-Man #63 and 64!


I don't know about you, but I just can't enough of Kraven's Nipple Rays! (tm!)

Hey!  It's the return of the Random Bitch-Slap! (tm!):


We haven't had one of those in a while.  Those never get old, either.

Meanwhile, check out Mary Jane's hairdid!:


It's ginchy and new!  And makes her look about twenty years older!  Good thing she ditched it later.

I'm no physicist, but....


.... considering how far forward Gwen is leaning, wouldn't she be flat on her face in the next panel?  She wasn't, but I think it would have been awesome if that were the case.

See you Monday!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Jim Nastics Thursday!


CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAD NEVER HEARD OF THIS ONE BEFORE TODAY?



So, MarvelX42 sends me a link to an article and in the comments, someone makes reference to Jim Nastics.  It was only mentioned by name, so I did a little digging (because there are some things we've just got to know) and this is what I found out:

I believe this came out around 1985, and was self-published.  The first issue gives us the awesome origin of the conveniently-named Jim Nastics, who undergoes the infamous "experimental treatment" and is able to bounce as if he were made of rubber.

In other words, he was Speedball:


... and when you're a rip-off of Speedball, that's really all there is to say about that.

UPDATE:  I was prematurely snarky.  Actually, Jim Nastics came about BEFORE Speedball, so it appears that Speedball is the rip-off unless someone has info to the contrary.  If not, Speedball goes into the Character Hall of Shame for that reason alone.

Except many characters had puns for names, which only makes sense because if your name is "Jim Nastics," you're probably going to seek out people who have names as terrible as yours to avoid the constant berating that would otherwise follow you wherever you went.  Jim's supporting cast included Ellie  Faunt, Hilly Landon, General Bull Dozier and even the dog was inflicted with the name "Auf Auf Weidersein." 

Actually, "Auf Auf Weidersein" is kind of cute.  I may hang on to that one for one of my future dogs.

My only regret is that I can only the covers, but I will find the actual issues someday.  Oh yes... they will be mine.  Until then, Jim Nastics, you will be the elusive prize that drives me onward.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'll Smoke Your Britches! Wednesday!

So, I'm wandering through a copy of Monte Hale #50 (as I'm sure you all have a copy of it laying around somewhere), and the first thing I think is "Wow!  This made it 50 issues?"

Actually, the comic adventures of this B-Western star (and fellow Oklahoman) made it 54 issues.  Considering the lifespan of some comics put out today, that's either darn impressive or a monument to how unfair the comic business is, depending on how you choose to see it.

I'll save you the trouble of tracking it down.... here is some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)


Any comic that has Gabby Hayes giving Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) has contributed to our shared history, so we salute ye, Monte Hale!

Speaking of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!), here's a dandy from Amazing Spider-Man #53!:



That's a loyal girlfriend for you.  If you ever wonder why Gwen is spoken with such reverence, you may wonder no more.  If I gave Beloved an "itch," we'd be in marriage counselling.  

Hey!  It's Something that Only SOUNDS Offensive! (tm!), from Amazing Spider-Man #55:


Even considering the source of the statement, I'm sure Pete was like, "Wait.  What?"

Here's an interesting ad from the Golden Age Daredevil #17:


I like any toy that promises to give a child a "shrill siren."  I also like the way girls are deliberately left out as a potential consumer ("All your BOY friends will want a kit" - which also makes it sound like "all your boyfriends will want a kit," which is fine, but I don't think that's what they're trying to say), promises that walking around and getting in the way of the real Air Wardens will make you "the most popular boy on the block" and no longer having to envy your father's "strut."

That was some seriously awesome ad copy.  Whoever wrote that should be immortalized on Mad Men.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Fourth Anniversary Tuesday!

It's a calculated risk when you write a blog poking fun at an industry of which you'd like to be a part, especially when so many people show up to watch you poke fun at an industry of which you'd like to be a part.  After a while, you find yourself feeling thusly:


But you know what?  We've been down this road for four years now.  It's not as long as some other blogs still going, and longer than many blogs have made it.  I don't know at what point you mark a blog as a success, but we're just shy of 75,000 visits annually, so I don't think it's a failure by any stretch of the imagination.  I'm not saying it was the most productive use of our time, but I'd argue that it hasn't been a failure, either.

It's been a great run.  Some days, I've felt more like posting than others, but it's been a fun way to mark time and keep a journal of sorts without being excessively self-indulgent.  I've cheesed off some folks, which is something you're bound to do when writing a blog like this one.  I suppose someone can be funny and not risk offending anyone, but that's not how my own particular brand of humor works.  And again, more people show up to my little Comic Book Funhouse than I would have ever hoped, so something is working for folks somewhere.

But of course, no attempt at entertainment works without an audience.  Your support and encouragement have made this page what it is.  At least, that's what I'll say in court.

So, having spent as much time together as one would take completing the requirements for an undergraduate degree, what can we take away from all this?  I give you Detective Comics #370:


I have heard of the "Three-Six-Nine" ULTIMATE DISGRACE, and I understand it was quite the insult.  At least Bruce Wayne was able to put it behind him and move on into adulthood and....


.... oh.  Never mind.  I guess we never quite let go of those childhood demons, do we?

As a special thanks, allow me to give you a sneak peak at the cover art for the upcoming Hero Action Persons: The Social (Networking Site) War Saga Graphic Novel, drawn with a deft hand by Gabe Ostley!:


Yes, I thought it would be funny to spoof the iconic Super Friends image, and Gabe did yet another great job.  We're plugging away at finishing this (rather large) project so we can make it available to you, but I have certainly learned that making a comic is a big undertaking.  But it'll be worth it, my lovelies!  On that, you can rely!

Thanks for four great years!  The next great year starts tomorrow!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Humoring Delusions is a Valid Form of Mental Health Treatment Monday!

I do these posts a day in advance, and trying to get out of the office in anticipation of a four-day weekend is no easy feat, so here are some panels from our pal Robert Gillis!

First off, Robert notices a theme developing here.  Check out Lois Lane #1:


Okay, Lois has lost her marbles for some reason, and we can't confront her with reality or that will really jack her up for some reason.  Got it?  Good.  Three months later in the same title:


So, if comics are to be believed (and I have no reason to think they aren't), the best thing to do for someone who has a loose grip on reality is to go to any lengths to humor their delusion.

Apparently, it isn't just a woman-thing.  Cue Adventure Comics #224:


See?  You can inconvenience an entire town for this.

And I realize doctors tend to have a God complex, but ol' Doc Greene is pretty dang bossy, from where I'm sitting.

But if it's for Pa Kent, you may want to give him a pass.  He's apparently a very good assistant.  Cue Adventure Comics #251:



My son is dying and everything, but I have a task to do, dammit!  If Clark wanted me to stay with him at his death-bed, he would have specified that!

And of course, no look at Superman would be complete without further proof that he is a complete tool.  Cue Lois Lane #28!:


... if I do say so myself.  And apparently, I do.

Thanks for getting me out of here, Robert!

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What a Pair of Gams! Wednesday!

Before I forget, my lovelies, this is the last post for the week.  The next couple of days are a holiday, and I'm hoping to go home and take a "staycation" and enjoy the weather!

A lot of the time, a comic book cover will fake you out by showing something that isn't quite what it seems as the story unfolds.  Sometimes, much to my horror, the situation is worse.  I give you Detective Comics #371:


Surely that cover is just to get your attention.  There is no way that, in the 1960's, they would show a girl being so stupidly vain that....


....oh.  Well, I stand corrected.  Apparently "any girl" will pause in the heat of battle to address an appearance issue.  Being the victim only boy with three sisters, I had been brainwashed enlightened
enough to assume that this was a safety issue (i.e, her vision was obscured or something).  But no, the writer was very clear that this was nothing more than simple vanity.

Because this young woman is just a "girl" like "any girl."  Gee, I wonder why girls didn't read comics that much back in the day?

But don't worry, guys, we get insulted as well:


See?  When we're in a fistfight, we'll get distracted by anything in a skirt, even if it leaves us open to a punch in the face.  Because we're guys.  Ergo, we're stupid.  And our brains shut off the minute we see something pretty, because we're Pavlovian beasts who just can't help ourselves.

Who wrote this crap?  

Ohhhhhh... Gardner Fox.  That explains a lot.  By the time this came out, Gardner was around 57 years old.  I guess to him, this was still a perfectly acceptable plot device.

Gardner Fox gave us a lot of great comics, but this wasn't one of them.  But no one bats a thousand, so he gets a pass.  This time.

But I'm getting something worthwhile out of this issue!  Some Fun with Out-of-Context Dialogue!(tm!):


YEAH!

I SAY, "YEAH!"

There it was, just sitting there on Page 11.  I could post nothing but haiku poetry for the rest of the year, and this will still have been a bitchin' year for this blog, on that panel alone.

Eisner Awards Committee, it's spelled B.A.R.N.E.T.T.!

See you Monday!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

You Got Served! Tuesday!

You may recall that the other day, I did a post wherein we looked at the Elongated man having two right hands, and that post linked to a shot where the same thing was done with Mr. Fantastic.  And we were sitting there all smug about how this sort of silly mistake would only happen in old comics.

Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit "A":


Yes, in the very recent X-Men: First Class mini, we see Machine Man with two left hands, and the hands got so mixed up so often in the previous issue that I would have had Childhood Pal Scotty warning me I had crossed the line of "Fair Use," because I would have rerun dang near the whole issue.

This is the way my life works: I notice something, then I start seeing it everywhere.  It's dang creepy.

Know what isn't creepy?  Kraven.


I know he's supposed to be all tough and everything, but when I see all those leopard prints, it just makes me think of this:
Kraven the Hunter: A costume so ridiculous, I've made fun of it twice already.

Hey!  It's time for a Moment of Comic-Book Greatness! (tm!):


Mary Jane and Gwen serve each other in a dance off in Amazing Spider-Man #47!


I've said it before and I'll say it again: When you can't hear the music, watching someone dance is really awkward.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Broomsticks and Nipple Rays Monday!

Is your Spider Sense tingling? You should probably see a doctor.

Meanwhile....



"Spidey Saves the Day"?
"The End of the Green Goblin"?

Hey, spoiler alert!  I guess there's 12 cents I can spend somewhere else.  I'm certainly not a marketing genius, but I'm pretty sure you sell more comics when you don't put the ending on the cover.

But I'm here, and it's here, so I guess I'll read it anyway.  Most self-respecting Nerdlingers know that this is the issue where the identity of the Green Goblin has been revealed and the obligatory origin story is told by the bad guy himself:


Nice dramatic flashback.  Only problem is, it's wrong.

The Goblin didn't use that glider in the beginning.  He flew on a rocket-powered, uncomfortably-phallic "broomstick":


See?  That's right.  You read enough Detective Comics in a row (and goodness knows, I have for the past month or so), and you start noticing stuff.

You also notice things like Kraven's Nipple Rays! (tm?):


Oh, my.  Seriously?  No one at Marvel looked at that and said, "Hey, did you guys notice those rays are coming out of Kraven's nipples?"

Mary Jane Watson.....


.... meant well, but that girl was exhausting back in the day.  She's that one person who "helps" you move but gets distracted by everything and anything.  Do you know why?  Because when the alternative is moving stuff, everything takes on a new level of entertainment value. "Hey, I've never wanted to watch all 27 hours of that Lord of the Rings deluxe set you have here, but I'm really in the mood.  Can we take a break?"  

See you tomorrow!