Friday, October 31, 2008
So, I was wondering what I could do this year that could really scare the wahjeebers out of you guys, and it hit me. Like a big rig. Ladies and gents, I give you: U.S.1
See that guy winking on the cover? That's the wink of a guy bilking you out of 60 cents you could have spent on Power Man and Iron Fist. But you didn't, and they ended up eventually cancelling Power Man and Iron Fist even though it was one of the greatest comics of the Bronze Age.
So, why a comic book about trucking? Here's the great historian VH1 to explain:
Note they said that the whole CB thing had been played out by 1978. This comic came out in 1983. Way to be on the cutting edge of pop culture, Stan!
So, the more appropriate question is, why a comic book about trucking a good half-decade after any possible interest had waned?
Comics from the 80's didn't look that great anyway, because the printing process of the day left books looking pale and cheap. But since there are motion lines coming from in front of the truck, it looks like he's gunning it reverse, which would be a lot more entertaining. U.S.1, comin' at ya! Ahhhhhhhhh! *crash*
Yeah, there's an idea. Can we have him under a spell or something so he has to drive the thing in reverse all the time?
Well, there's no turning back now, so here's the narrator of the story trying to convince you that you didn't just waste sixty cents:
When a comic is apologizing for itself on the second page of the first issue, you know you've really got something here.
So, anyway, U.S. is the blond guy's initials, and after his parents' untimely death, he gets really smart and athletic. Sound familiar? Marvel's legal team hopes not.
But U.S. gets in an accident himself, and when part of his skull is replaced with a metal plate, he finds he is able to pick up CB signals:
Considering no one was using a CB by that time in American history, this really wasn't much of a nuisance.
And he builds himself some cutting edge big rig, which is kind of like having the world's biggest Pog collection: No one cares.
Is there any way the ejector seat can launch us into a copy of Daredevil? Because it's 1983, and we're right in the middle of Frank Miller's classic run while you're talking about the tape deck in your truck.
Thankfully, right before I lose consciousness, there is an ad for a career change:
Hmmmmm... I can learn how to be a rugged outdoorsman without leaving my house? And what kind of peyote has that ranger been smoking, anyway? He's got a little too much glee going on there.
Oh, I'm sorry. Back to the story:
Yeah, that's what Duel: The Official Movie Adaptation probably would have read like in comic book form. That's probably why they never did one.
If there's any excitement to big rig trucking, it hasn't shown up yet. Probably because the combatants are pretty much confined to one long straight line of asphalt, giving the big conflict all the excitement of watching your little brothers play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
But the really scary part? We have eleven issues to go. Think about that as you try to go to sleep tonight.
Stay safe! I'll see you Monday!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wow. Don't they look freaked out?
In the Batman story, we learn that a bomb is a very dangerous thing:
Which you can apparently prematurely detonate with an arrow. Which is a good thing, because bombs didn't seem to hurt you even if they went off six inches from your head. Explosive are tricky. That's why it took the Chinese to figure out fireworks.
and lo, the University of Phoenix was born!
Who would be so brazen as to kidnap a guy carrying five million bucks?
Well, I presume anyone who wanted five million bucks. Good luck, gumshoe!
It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm)
And, since it's almost Halloween, here's a little dress-up dance party for ya:
See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Anyway, it's a Brave and the Bold project, which means lots and lots of team-ups. I saw a clip that had Bats and the Blue Beetle, but it was the new version, which I poo-poo. Ted Kord was the only Blue Beetle for me. I'll still watch it, though.
History time! Did anyone have this?
My board game collection is pretty anemic. I have the X-Men Alert game with all of the figures painstaking painted by Yours Truly (though the game itself is dreadful) and the Justice League version of Monopoly, which I occasionally look at but have never played because Monopoly requires an attention level I don't have.
But, as to the Cap game, I see there is a Bucky card. What do you suppose it said on the other side? My guess is: Kid sidekick blown to bits. Lose turn for the next 60 years to whine about it.
Bucky should have stayed dead. Dead should mean dead in comics.
I came upon some oooooold World's Finest comics, so expect some rare panels in the days to come!
In this very early Superman story, Superham is capable of catching bullets and stopping large machinery, but could get beaten down by two normal guys. I guess they hadn't really figured out how the whole "super-powers" thing was going to work yet. I enjoy watching Superham get smacked around. If DC published a Superman Gets Smacked Around title, I'd buy two copies every month.
Like the Golden-Age Sandman, the Golden-Age Crimson Avenger was pretty badass until they took him out of the suit and Fedora. This was the result:
Wow. No one has a perfect body, but that leotard ain't doin' him any favors. That's the longest torso I've seen since Superman Returns.
And finally, we see that no one really understands the concepts of trademarks or intellectual property just yet:
Of course, DC Comics and Disney have never been remotely related, so I'm surprised no one was served with a lawsuit by Walt & Co.
And, some final history for serious geeks only:
From All-Star Comics #32. This, I believe, was the first time a Green Lantern said that phrase, which fanboys know would become the final lines of Hal Jordan's oath in the Silver Age. Am I wrong?
Don't we feel smarter already? Impress your friends!
See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
All I can say is, folks that gripe about Heroes are generally too young to remember when the action highlight of the television week was The A-Team. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Friend Kyle! Back in the day, a show half as good as the worst episode of Heroes would have blown our ever-lovin' minds. Spoiled kids, what with your Ipods and fancy coffee beverages!
Peer pressure, courtesy of Avengers v1 #32:
Hawkeye's an Avenger, Jan! He does what we do!
Ten minutes later, Cap introduced Hawkeye to meth.
Heh. Not really, but wouldn't that have been hilarious?
From All-Star Comics #31:
I don't normally post every use of the word "queer" in Golden Age comics, because it was used a lot. But a guy who makes queer toys? Come on, you wanted to see it! Don't act like you didn't. Especially with the gestures that guy is making? That's gold. Gold, I tells ya!
And you know what we just can't get enough of? Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm)
Oooooooo..... just what no guy wants to hear.
See you tomorrow!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Brendan Frasier is a better actor than Harrison Ford. Much.
That's right. Bring it! Defeat me and two more will take my place!
Hey! It's time for more Fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm) This one is courtesy of Batman #254, which I believe reprinted the Batman story from World's Best, which would become World's Finest at issue #2:
Okay, so the butler likes it rough. I'm not here to judge.
With Avengers v1 #28, Giant-Man returned. Unfortunately, he brought the Wasp with him:
And, as you can see, he changed his name to Goliath, which didn't make a whole lot of sense because not only was Goliath a bad guy, but a loser of Biblical proportions. Still, it sounded much more cool. Like "Cain" is a cooler-sounding name than "Abel," but you can't name your kid "Cain" without guaranteeing he'll go to jail at some point in his life.
Thankfully, Hank got some new duds. How do we explain them?
Yeah, that's the ticket! Wanda just sits around sewing new costumes for former members in case they happen to drop by. Because she's a girl. And girls can't help but sew. It's a sickness, really.
More fun with Out of Context Dialogue!(tm):
Thank you, All-Star Comics #30!
What a Monday it's been. I feel the need to dance:
Aren't they precious?
See you tomorrow!
Friday, October 24, 2008
The creepy thing is.... it ain't all that much out of context.
That's a lot of promises there, Captain Meathead. The big question is: To whom will I be more attractive? Attractiveness is highly subjective, which is the beauty of the system: While one person may not find you so hot, the next person will think you're just dishy.
In any respect, I'm not interested in making other guys feel bad about themselves. Good to know what your motivation is..... you jackass.
Set up the problem on the scales of two linear potentiometers and find the answer by listening for the null point on the third potentiometer!
Wow, does that sound like the least fun thing to do, ever. I don't understand a word of what they're saying, but I sure am glad my parents didn't see this ad. I'd get it for Christmas even though I didn't ask for it, and then they'd yell at me for letting it sit in the box while I played Mattel Electronic Football.
Yeah, I'm sure that a speaker would give me a good-natured grin if I whipped this thing out. The sad thing is, I'd believe it as a child. This would explain my many trips to the vice-principal's office.
From Avengers v1 #24:
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Hope you went to Murphy's Steak House, Christian! Get a hot hamburger with extra gravy!
Enough of that. It's time for All-Star Comics #29!
The Justice Society fights Landor, "The Man Who Knew Too Much!"
.... except, apparently, where he left his trousers.
The Flash is singing again? He must get bored fighting crime and have the need to amuse himself. Anyone recognize this song? It sounds kinda dirty.
Dr. Mid-Nite fighting apes and elephants??? No, Dr. Mid-Nite - I'm the one who's dreaming! How awesome is that?
That will mean suffering for millions! Not to mention... is that elephant dung on my boot?
Clean up your boots later, Doc! It's time to fight a gorilla!
Now, that.... is one poorly-drawn gorilla.
Hmmmmmm... this is the kind of thing where, if you're going to say it out loud, you really don't want to skimp on the details. What do you need, Doc? A lozenge? Preparation H? Herpes cream? Do you really want me filling in my own blanks here?
Finally, the JSA has had enough and decides to solve the problem in Golden Age style:
They gang up on a disarmed foe and beat the snot out of him.
Landor decides he's had enough and goes back to his own time:
See? He's from the future. You know this, because for some reason, the people who are living in that time also refer to it as "the future." Why they do that is clearly too sophisticated for your primitive 21st Century brain to comprehend.
Now is the time in which we dance!
See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
What? No "Your mother's so greasy, she has a job at IHOP running pancakes across her forehead?" No "Your sister's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money?" Come on, Billy! Put some thought into it!
Stan Lee must have had pickles on the brain, though, because in the very next ish:
Yeah, Hawkeye! Better hope that first kid's uncle doesn't show up!
Pickles, pickles, pickles.... so much fun to say.... pickles, pickles, pickles....
Hey, speaking of Avengers v1 #23, it's time for "Fun with Out-of-Context Dialogue!"(tm):
pickles, pickles, pickles.....
.... now please remove your penis from my desk.
Hey, it's not my fault! It's Pickles Day! Pickles, pickles, pickles.....
What would $2.98 buy you in the 1960's? Disappointment.
Hey, Agnes! Come on over to my house and watch television through Saran Wrap!
Wow, I don't know how our grandparents survived. I really don't.
See you tomorrow! Pickles!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
You say this painting will come to life and kill me? Well, I suppose it can wait until after dinner before I destroy it! After all, tonight is meatloaf night! You have this deadly painting rolled up, right?
The first time I have ever seen a literal "thigh-slapper":
and here it is close-up, because it is that awesome:
I'm thinking I'll hang onto this so you'll know when you're supposed to laugh at my clever remarks. I acknowledge that sometimes it's hard to tell, and this can be like a visual laugh-track.
Super-heroes singing is always worth preserving for the ages. You're welcome.
Um... calling a woman "fast" is never a good idea, even when you mean it in the most innocent way, especially when she's capable of cracking your ribcage between two fingers. And is Johnny Thunder staring at Wonder Woman's chest? I think he is. The JSA was not the most progressive of super-hero teams.
There! You see how well that works?
See you tomorrow!
Monday, October 20, 2008
But that just gives us more to love with All-Star Comics #28!
I'm not sure if Hawkman has a question, or if he is using the paint jar as a tom-tom. I kind of hope it's the second option.
Hmmmmmm.... well, you can try and figure it out through ancient relics what nuyuk used to be, or you can go straight to the professionals:
I know... but when they lob a softball at me like that, I just can't let it go.
Now isn't the time to discuss your personal life, Green Lantern! There's murder afoot!
Seriously, what is with Hawkman's hands today? Between this and the cover, I'd swear he was detoxing....
Wow, someone's a bachelor! When you live with a woman, you don't get to hang up cool artwork like that. Instead, you hang up pictures of chihuahuas in sweaters and babies dressed up like adults.
You have to get out of here NOW!
But, Hawkman, you're holding me in place!
What? Why, so I am. What is with my hands today?
Oh. I think I just figured out why this guy is still a bachelor.
See you tomorrow!