Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Special Halloween Bonus


They seem to hate this kind of thing over at Panel2Panel.com, so I'll inflict it on you. Happy Halloween, my lovelies!

Super Scary Pre-Halloween Tuesday!


Oh, my. Oh, my my my. That's.... quite a button your club has there.
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Hey, it happened to Siegfried and Roy. Sometimes, the animals you make a career out of pushing around decide maybe you shouldn't be in charge.
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Um, I think Buzzy glossed over a little something in that last panel. I, like everyone else, have an opinion on how responsible someone is for the sins of their ancestors, but this is just wrong. This makes it sound like slavery was just an aggressive Career Fair. This is not the proudest moment in comics.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Adventure Monday!

I normally don't do comparisons, because they aren't fair. I mean, we all have our assets and our liabilities, and there's really no one we have to be better than other than the person we were yesterday, right?

That being said:

That sort of thing doesn't happen to Batman.
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Yeah that's great, as long as you want to spend the whole day on the same ride. Whatta pal.
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Hey, kids! Talkies! As lame as this sounds, it actually was more fun to watch cartoons shown on a projector than on television. Whenever my grade school had a carnival, they'd drape a curtain over a classroom and show a roadrunner cartoon and call it a movie theater. It probably would have tanked except they gave away popcorn from a real popper. I'd go there at least twice and buy an assload of comics from the "General Store" for 10 cents each. Screw the Cake Walk! Adam wanted his popcorn and comics!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Safety Friday!


Think twice about answering any ad that begins, "Boy Wanted."
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I feel the same way, Seabiscuit. If I threw a chunk of Kryptonite at him, would he stop crapping up the DC Universe?
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Another gorilla sighting! You see, in the 1950's (as we've seen before), they didn't have their gorilla-containment technology down like we do today. It was kinda like polio - you just never knew when a gorilla was going to show up, throwing its own feces at you and your loved ones. I'm not sure what the vaccine was for it, but they seem to have solved the problem, because I rarely see gorillas in my neighborhood.

And check out the facial expression of Mighty Joe Young there in panel two. That's one bad-ass gorilla!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Take-the-High-Road Thursday!

You know, sometimes it dawns on me that I'll be 40 years old in less than 6 months, and I still enjoy comics just as much as I did when I was a child. And, contrary to the-man-once-known-as-my-father's prediction that I was doomed to fail in life because of my love for comics, I have a good career and a great home life.... so remember, kids, living well is the best revenge. Well, that, and watching people who mocked you go down in flames. That's pretty cool, too.

In celebration of this outburst of quasi-maturity, let's appreciate what comics have to offer us, not only in entertainment, but in valuable information:


Well, that's infotainment! I didn't know that's where oil comes from! That's marvelous! I should focus more on what we can learn from comics, don't you think?


Yeah, Roy! Keep my shaft greased! Heh! Shaft. Greased. Heh.

Well, that didn't last long, did it?
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I can only imagine what happens when an octopus pulls a boner. With eight appendages, you certainly have a lot of choices which one to use.

Get it? Masturbation humor never gets old, does it?

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Okay, we'll clean it up today with a look at what passed for high-tech entertainment in the 1950's. Wow. I can see that being really interesting.... the first time you go through the little film rolls.

That reminds me of this awful toy I had as a kid. It was called the T.E.A.M.M.A.T.E. Computer, and it sucked and blew. It didn't have a hard drive or a regular keyboard. It was like a calculator connected to a 4X4 LED screen, and you had to program the stupid thing every time you wanted to get to do anything (because it had no way to save anything, once you turned the power off, you had a blank slate). It would take you 45 minutes to program the thing to play tic-tac-toe. I think my parents got it as a punishment device. I mean, we all read the Consumer Reports review that said it was awful! And I think they dropped more than $50 on the thing back in the 80's. My parents didn't have the greatest judgment.

What's the worst toy you've ever encountered as a kid?

In Case You Missed It....

You owe it to yourself to read this if you haven't already:

Bully Says: Comics Oughta Be Fun!: Batman, Master of Timing!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Great Moments in Comic-Blogging


Yes, just like Superman. Because we all love those classic moments where the Man of Steel kicks Metallo's ass with a little plastic, fan-like thingie.
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Yes, because girls are terrified of getting their skirts dirty. The slightest hint of dust makes them scatter like cockroaches.
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That boy made me pull the shot of my shaft! How many times have we heard that old excuse on To Catch a Predator?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hectic Tuesday!


You say Junior wants to be a celebrity stalker? One quarter will give him quite the head start!
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Pa Kent, mind reader.
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Not just a seaman.... he's Seaman of the Year!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Reality Television, Aquaman-Style

Sure, Mercy Reef was an awesome pilot that didn't get picked up, but you can still get your Aquaman television fix with:


Yes, A Day in the Life of Aquaman. Welcome to the ranks of the media whore, oh King of Atlantis!
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Hmmmmm.... no, telling me you use a clam shell only tells me how you shave, not who shaves you. I'd insist that you answer the question that was asked, but I'm afraid we're going to get into some intimate hygiene rituals I'm just not ready to see.
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Yes, screw PETA! My subjugated creatures exist solely for my amusement! Dance, puppets! Dance! MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Shameless Plug

Show the love and check out my new Procrastinator column (and do so every Friday night, won'tcha?).

This week - Jonah Hex's days on Bonanza.

Friday, October 19, 2007

What The---? Friday!!


Is it any wonder they lost WWII?

There must be no outcry!

Jawohl! For I am as swift as the cobra! DIE, PIG!!!!!

Dumbkoff! That means you, too! What part of "There must be no outcry" made you think it was okay for you to make noise?


This had to be a Hogan's Heroes bit years later....
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A boat job, you say?

I'm going to go ahead and say it, and spare Soup the trouble.

Is that a tugboat job you're pulling? Will it cost extra?
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Seriously, what the heck? You don't even have to do safety inspections on cars where I live. What exactly happened if your bike didn't pass inspection? Would she do something really scary like write your name down on that little pad of hers? I'd kinda like it if someone wrote down that I was a rolling menace...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Suggestive Dialogue Thursday!


You never want to suggest you are doing a "quick job" on someone when your hand has clearly been anywhere near another man's crotch....
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Heh, heh. Shaft.
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I don't know that I'd want people saying I was the greatest seaman of all time. That's like when Beloved calls me the biggest jackass who ever lived. It's kind of an accomplishment, but not really one I feel like advertising....

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Seduction of the Innocent Wednesday!


This guy has the worst super-hero name in the history of super-hero names. The Fighting Yank? If that's not a euphanism for an involuntary state of arousal, I don't know what is....

So, then, the teacher asked me to do the math problem on the board, but that cheerleader in the front row had given me this Fighting Yank....
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You're all fagged out? Hey, that's your business, Pyroman (who, oddly enough, has electrical powers). I don't assume anything when I read stories about full-grown men in tights.

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Two dollar wedding rings? Well, you can expect nothing but the best from the Harem Company, I'm sure.

I love you, my darling. Make me the happiest man on Earth and say you'll be my wife!

Why, it's a ring from the Harem Company!

Yup.... set me back two bucks. So whaddya say, baby?

Oh.... how could any girl say no?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Black Terror Tuesday!!!

Shakin' things up here with the Black Terror. The Black Terror holds the distinction of having a sidekick with an even less heroic name than that of Captain America's "Bucky." Yes, folks, here to kick fascist butt and take names is the dreaded, awe-inspiring "Tim."


Yes, that was the name of the child with the skull and crossbones on his chest stomping on what looks to be his collection of plastic army men. In costume or out, he was just "Tim." Secret identity problems aside, why would you pal around with a kid who has such a nonthreatening name if you're calling yourself The Black Terror? It's like me calling myself The Disemboweller and hanging out with my sidekick, Clovis.


The Black Terror either had an exaggerated sense of fair play, or a tremendous double standard. You mean to tell me that if you saw enemy soldiers parachuting on top of you, you wouldn't take a shot at them? I'm pretty sure that considered acceptable by all four branches of the United States Armed Forces.


Is Black Terror and Young Partner! Even the Japanese soldiers, who were considerate enough to shout to each other in broken English, had a hard time with Tim's name. I can understand that. It's one thing to say the Black Terror beat you up, it's another thing entirely to say that your combat training wasn't enough to take down "Tim."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Blog Action Day!

Someone decided it's Blog Action Day, which means some self-appointed Guardian of the Moral Code of Bloggers Everywhere decided we should all volunteer to talk about the same thing and this is going to somehow effectuate positive social change.

I'm not an oppositional person, but I think it's silly. I also think Bono is the lead singer of U2, and not Jesus. I'm kind of a goof in that respect.

But, okay. You want me to talk about the environment, I'll talk about the environment.


People! Don't make your seal cry! That's seriously not cool!
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Conserve energy! If you run out of power, you may find yourself alone in a room being violated in the dark by Green Arrow! Watch those hands, Oliver!
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And I'm not even sure what to make of this, but I'm pretty sure it's wrong for all kinds of reasons....

So, okay. There you have it. We're all better people now. Not as holy as Bono, but... better somehow.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Green Arrow Friday!


You know, it just doesn't matter which Golden Age Green Arrow story I read, it always looks like they're getting summoned right after they've been giving each other a bath or something. I mean, when the Bat Signal appeared, Bruce and Dick were generally in a smoking jacket and sweater, respectively, so you got the impression they were just lounging around Stately Wayne Manor. Not so with Oliver and Roy. They're always caught with their shirts off. What's that all about?
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This is why I don't have the patience to be a super-hero. I'd be happy to break up an assault or a bank robbery, but I don't know that I would cotton so much to being summoned by someone, especially if they aren't paying my mileage expenses. You want to see me right away? We can start with the word "please" and promises of discussing it over a nice meal.
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Um, shouldn't Oliver have trained Speedy a little in those battle tactics before sending him out to face armed, desperate men? Speedy is what, fourteen years old? I think it's iffy to take a teenager into any type of situation where they might get shot at, but this is ridiculous. You know, Oliver, you aren't giving the kid your last-minute play for the perfect Hail Mary pass in that high school football game against your crosstown rivals. No wonder the kid was mainlining horse all through the 1960's....

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Shame, the Book, and the Communication Age

Okay, before we try and make with the funny here, check out soup's take on a classic Hostess Fruit Pie ad. Just when I think he can't make me laugh harder, he does something like this.

How do I follow something like that? With Binky's little brother, Allergy, of course!

You know, I tried to cut Allergy a break, because everyone picks on people with weight problems, but he seems to insist on making it into the Costume Hall of Shame. So be it.


That's.... quite a bow-tie you've got there, son. Did you really mean for it to be so.... I dunno, friggin' HUGE?


There's a side-shot of the rest of the ensemble for you. It's like he just said, "You know what? My parents never loved me and they named me 'Allergy,' so I'm going to get the worst butchering Supercuts has to offer and wear short pants."
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The first thing that should make everyone suspicious is that I don't believe Oliver has ever read an entire book, never mind wrote one.
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He's summoned by a flare. I mean, you can shape it like an arrow all you want, but that's what it is. That's got to be the most unreliable form of communication since the smoke signal. I'm sorry I didn't make it in time to prevent the Governor's assassination, Chief! Speedy and I blinked at the same time and we missed the signal! What were the odds?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Guilt-Ridden Wednesday

I pass this on out of guilt:


Yes, even in the 1950's, people were told to get dental treatment for your dogs. I was negligent as to Gremlin, my shaggy little nine-pound ball of rabbit-killing fury. I finally got him in to clean his nasty choppers, and they had to pull nine (yes, NINE) of his teeth.

Fortunately, dogs have a lot of teeth and this doesn't seem to have slowed him down much (in fact, he seems to feel much better overall). But don't let this happen to you.
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Oh, eeesh. They're sleeping in the same bed. Don't try and tell me they aren't. I am now officially never going to look at Oliver and Roy the same way again.
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Green Arrow, corporate stooge. Any time someone tells you they are watching out for you and the insurance company, they're only watching out for the insurance company.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Greatest Find Ever

Prepare to drop your jaw and salivate. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.....


THE SEAMAN!
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Yeah, Artie. Everyone is totally interested in you and everything you do. You're sooooooo popular! *snort*

I don't think people would be interested in Aquaman if he was sodomizing a hermit crab.
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Well, Clark, don't worry. Those feelings are totally natural. You see, there comes a time in every boy's life when he starts to notice girls and begins growing hair where you would normally think hair has no business growing....


Oh.... a queer trance, you say? Uh.... never mind. Forget I said anything.
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Not funny, but here's a bonus in-house ad I saw for the very first issue of Showcase. The companies always claim that the new book they're launching will usher in a new era, but this one actually did!